Scameron: Afghan War is Won (Que / WTF?)

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s Con-Dem Coalition Prime Minister, Posh Dave Scameron, this week stated for the public record that British troops can leave Afghanistan and come home to a well-earned redundancy with their heads held high – but not too high – just in case the Taliban snipers are still watching – so best ignore that last bit and continue to duck instead.

Flabby Dave, sporting a camo’ flack jacket to hide his swelling man tits, met with squaddies from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and 14th Body Bag Brigade, stationed at Camp Killzone in the opium rich Bellend Province, and informed them (with tongue in cheek) they can return to the UK with the satisfaction it was mission accomplished – the Taliban’s Saracen Scallies were in retreat, the heroin supply contract secured - and as the US arbitrary drone attacks now directed on Pakiland, there were no more wounded non-combatant civilians for the cabbage head Marines to snuff.

Scameron tucked into a traditional full chew n spew Afghan breakfast of goat meat and stale paraki naan with the troops, claiming ‘a basic level of security’ was being achieved as the incidence of ‘green on blue’ attacks had dropped off since rogue Afghan military and police personnel – basically Taliban and al Qaeda moles who had infiltrated the national armed forces – had been purged from the ISAF equation following a NATO- enforced lie detector test campaign to root out radical Islamic salafist elements bent on driving the Western infidel aggressors out of their country.

Unfortunately this vaunted ‘ISAF equation’ algorithm has overlooked – or purposely ignored – the blatant fact that Afghanistan’s historically tribal culture – and hence fractious, back-stabbing society - is riddled with graft and corruption throughout the dog n pony show that the Great Satan’s shill President Hamid Karzai and his Kleptocracy Party cohorts have the brass-necked audacity to call a government. Thus the Taliban mujahideen and their extreme Islamic fundamentalist supporters have a veritable Fifth Column in place, ready and raring to go as soon as the Brits and Yanks drop their numbers - and guard.

Then the Russian charade will be repeated, al la Najibullah, as the Taliban’s Jolly Jihad Battalion and al Qaeda’s Shaheed Semtex Warriors, led by the Saudi Arabian ultra-Wahhabist fanatic Sheikh Liwat ibn Himar (nom de guerre Ras al Shitt) once again seize power, then loose their Mutaween – the Kafkaesque Vice & Virtue Squad – to burn the opium crops and dispense fifty lashes to any shufty bint found wearing a see-through burka.

Questioned by one embedded war correspondent from the Jolly Jihad Gazette if British military personnel were heading home in the New Year to join a queue at the Jobcentre due the MoD’s cutbacks implemented under Defence Secretary Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, Posh Dave accompanied by former England soccer player Michael Owen, acting as his ‘offsider’ (sic – no pun intended) and to help out with ‘the funnies’, confided, on condition he didn’t tell more than a dozen, that it was hoped to have the lot re-deployed into Syria by Easter to enforce a spot of Libyan-style humanitarian intervention and overdue regime change.

After impressing his intellectually-challenged squaddie audience with a stream of well-crafted soundbites and propaganda, and joining the circle to play a daredevil game of ‘pass the frag’ as a sign of ‘fellowship bonhomie', Scameron was handed a standard issue SA-80 rifle to fire a few rounds of 5.56 tracer and A-P at the windows of a nearby school.
Prudently Dave’s press secretary Scabby Bertin had the nuance to whisper “No fucking way” in his ear before he had chance to loose off half a clip in front of the watching gutter press hacks – with the PM joking “Not today chaps, I’ll leave that kind of thing to you fellas. Of course, the only things I’ve ever shot are grouse on the moors at Balmoral when we venture north of the border for the Glorious Twelfth and the opening of the Highland’s kiddie fiddling season at Loch Balbuggery.”

"But let’s get one thing straight here, even though our troops will be pulling out and returning to the UK to claim their ‘homes fit for heroes’ reward, we are not going to abandon Socal’s pipeline and the opium crops – or President Karzai and his crooked gang of nepotistic pals. That’s why I’m pushing the austerity drive back at home and given the order for Chancellor Osborne and the DWP’s Iain Duncan-Shit to implement all these budget cutbacks and slashing welfare benefits that Lord Rothshite says are necessary – so we can go on funding the Afghan National Army and police – plus building an officer training academy in Kabul early next year - which will be run by Wallace and Gromit Military Solutions.”

Thought for the day. To misquote George Santayana: “Those who do not observe history’s mistakes and learn from such are doomed to repeat them.”
To wit, there’s a very sound reason for the Afghanistan’s nom de guerre title of ‘Graveyard of Empires’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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