Ruthin School Wins Ripping Yarns Award

Once again, the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering counter-culture hot gossip exposé from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding anti-authoritarian non-conformists, proto-nihilists and those eclectic career radical, pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg recusant bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial - and harbour zero respect or empathy for the privilege-abusing authoritarian 0:01% oligarchy that believe they rule this world and all upon its mantle.

The head teacher of a top notch Welsh public school could prove to be the strictest headmaster in the known Universe – after a leaked email reveals he intends to expel any pupil - and fuck up their chances of a university place (by issuing crap references) - for having a boyfriend or girlfriend - or being 'intimate' with transgender persons.

However, Toby Bellend, headmaster of the £34,500 quid-a-year fees Ruthin School, a co-educational boarding faculty in north Wales, and a former Welfare Officer at Iraq's infamous Abu Ghraib Prison, is no stranger to controversy – and harbours little fear of being exposed as a manipulative control freak 'educator' (sic) intoxicated on a high octane cocktail of unqualified arrogance and ego on steroids – who runs the 800 year old academic institution with a dynamic of paranoid psychotic domination.

In a leaked email to shell shocked – and somewhat petrified – staff, Bellend stated "I strongly disapprove of boyfriend / girlfriend relationships at my school - and such will negatively affect any university reference I write – and to make this clear for the IQ-deficient members of the faculty - any students caught in a 'beast with two backs' – or muff-diving or tribbing relationship – or having a knee trembler behind the cricket pavilion - will definitely cop for a shitty reference from my desk."

Under Bellend's fascist control freak culture not only are platonic romances verboten, but inclusivity has been thrown to the vagaries of the four winds and the attendance of transgender pupils is right out – as too are acts of sodomy - and a full week's detention for any boy caught with an erection (stiffy) in the showers following sports activities.

The paranoid, authoritarian head has vowed to draw up a hit list of Year Eleven and Lower Sixth form students who have been caught 'in flagrante delicto' relationships on I-Spy CCTV security camera footage in any number of secluded and discreet nooks around the school's woodland grounds – all of whom will be looking for a new school next September.

"Okay, if they want to start some sordid relationship, those can begin at university – but not at Ruthin School while I'm Head Master – as these relationships inevitable lead to academically underachievement."

"There are hundreds of students whose parents have more money than sense and can afford our fees and are gnawing at the proverbial bit to attend Ruthin School - without the diversion of romance."

"To wit, Ruthin School is oversubscribed and we need to shed the chaff so I can up the fees ante - hence these will be the students replacing the sad tossers whose focus is on boyfriend or girlfriend relationships – and not our academic curriculum."

As to being no stranger to controversy from his Abu Ghraib Prison days and allegedly overlooking human rights abuses by military personnel buggering Iraqi inmates senseless – a mere three years ago the diplomacy-deficient Bellend passed a most politically incorrect comment to media hacks that state school pupils in Wales were 'utterly dense' and 'thick as pigshit' due the fact they focused on learning a 'dead language' - Welsh.

To add to his record of totalitarian intolerance, Bellend has insisted that pupils of any age are forbidden to smoke, drink alcoholic beverages or visit the boarding house of the opposite sex, and can expect to be unceremoniously expelled for breaking his 'Four Ings' rule: smoking, drinking, wanking and fucking.

Bellend's fascist regime further punishes students who fail to keep their bedroom tidy – and imposed a ban on pupils visiting nearby parks or ordering smelly curry takeaways.

Hmmm, Ruthin School, under the aegis of Chief Enforcer, Mr Bellend, sounds like some fucked-up dystopian nightmare - straight out of the Monty Pythonesque 'Tompkinson's Schooldays' - with new pupils suffocating in the paranoid fog atmosphere and forced to wrestle the school grizzy bear – then getting crucified on the front gates by the School Bully for any minor infraction.

While perhaps not quite possessed of the auspicious reputation of Eton or Harrow, the Ruthin School's origins – and reputation as a disciplinarian establishment - dates back to 1284 when it was run by monks affiliated to St Sodom's Church for Latter Day Pederasts - where erring pupils copped 50 lashes for a minor offence – got buggered by the Abbot for late homework submissions - and might well have their tongue ripped out for classroom backchat

One is left to speculate if this is where the martinet Bellend (a paranoid psychotic who never had any toys as a child) has sourced the theme for his oppressive, autocratic 'terms and conditions apply' regime - where any pupil caught transgressing the unwritten rules might end the day on the ducking stool - or strung up by the thumbs and miss afternoon tiffin.

The mind boggles at the insanity – and Bellend's squirly ideology might just be contagious as the shit has hit the proverbial fan at St Mary's College for Voyeur Studies in Wallasey, Merseyside – where the school administration has taken an irrational and bizarre decision to tackle anti-social behaviour – by demolishing the privacy wall fronting the girls' toilets.

Okay, gotta admit, the Ruthin School skit was embroidered with modest portions of yeast logic and minor exaggerations – but this one is the bee's knees and straight up – and has sparked a furious backlash from outraged parents at the removal of the wall in front of girls' toilet block, leaving it open to a main transit corridor - and a live internet-streaming CCTV camera.

Mrs Chlamydia McSkagg, mother of 11-year old school pupil Candida, opined to one gutter press hack from the Catamite's Gazette that " They reckon the wall was knocked down ter tackle anti-social behaviour – an' this new layout means the kids won't be able ter skive off an' hide in the bogs ter use their cellphones ter take naked selfies ter post online - or have a quick drag or shoot up."
"Yeah right – sounds like a load of old bollocks ter me - more likely ter cater ter the onanist voyeur fetishes of paedo school staff."

You really couldn't make this shit up – and guess what's coming next? The school intends to follow suit with the wall fronting the boys toilets. We bet the sodomite pederast contingents of school staff are chomping at the bit - smart phone cameras at the ready.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness.
An anti-authoritarian counter-culture alternative opinion blog and free radical alternative media source 'not owned' by Raving Rupert Mudrock's News Corp and the ultra-racist Edomite Mafia 'Kosher Nostra' bankster crime syndicate - and committed to the relay of open source information – plus 'hopefully' immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

(Unless one has the audacity to support the pro-Palestinian BDS campaign and criticise Zionist Israel's human rights abuses and war crimes – or dare mention the dirty dealings of the Met's PPU (Paedophile Protection Unit ) or expose, name and shame the membership ranks of Nottingham's Nasty Paedo Club or Scotland's Masonic Speculative Society 'Nonce Ponce' Magic Circle arse bandit / Violate BD/SM Club VIP (Very Important Pederast) kiddie fiddling Edinburgh / Balmoral / Glencoe / Cringemonogate / Aberdeen-based cabal – along with their Westminster and Holyrood Parliament / Crown Office / Secret Squirrel Security Services / Plod Squad sodomite - paedo-enablers / cover-up protectors).