Saturday, 20 January 2018

Carrilion: Where Incompetence Pays Dividends

In this week's 'Corporate Casino Roulette' exposé edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all critical thinking non-conformists, aspiring proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial - and harbour zero respect or empathy for the privilege-abusing authoritarian 0:01% oligarchy that believe they rule this world and all upon its mantle.

The scramble to control the fallout of the Carillion collapse continues, as it emerges the firm's total financial obligations stand at a gob-smacking £5 billion nicker and the corporate cretins responsible for this Biblical scale fuck-up go into 'cover-yer arse' mode as the gutter press banner headlines report that yet another 'too big to fail' PFI outfit which outgrew its own boots has – er 'failed'.

Carrilion's company tentacles had, by design, squirmed and wriggled into all sectors of government – thanks to a total lack of (or deliberate avoidance of ) due diligence and prudent Parliamentary oversight - with a ridiculous excess of 200 public service entities signing some willy-nilly form of contract with the company during the last five year period.

Commenting on Carrilion's bankruptcy and looming liquidation - plus the stark reality of project closures and a possible 43,000 staff lay-offs globally – during an interview with the Ripoffs Gazette, the Official Receiver, Sir Jarvis Dingbatt OBE, opined that the funds squandered by the government on Carillion were preposterous – the type of sums banksters refer to as 'lots and lots of money' – with their biggest customer, the Ministry of Defence, pouring £2.2 billion quid into Carillion's 'Black Hole' coffers since 2012.

"This more at scent than substance bail-out offer from the City's banks to firms left high and dry by Carillion's collapse amounts to a pathetic band aid solution – especially now I'm scrutinising the dodgy 'two-tier' accounting system and discover that, as far back as December, Carillion's head office tea lady quit when the petty cash fund was depleted to the extent there was no money to replenish the board room's tea bags, milk and biscuit stocks – and they received notice from the Zurich-based Bank of International Usury that their current account was £290 million quid overdrawn - and bills were pouring in from the 30,000 small scale contracting firms Carillion owed money to."

"Further, I have today informed Westminster mandarins that the Pension Protection Fund will be obliged to step in and provide compensation to 28,500 pension scheme members, with the total bill likely to be in the £920 million range."

(And that is utter bollocks. A pension fund should be Vestal Virgin intact – unless, alike the case of bloated, arch-vulgarian slug, Sir Philip Greed, it's virtue was three-hole violated, then criminally squandered on luxury yachts to the extent of some £300 million nicker.)

A corporate pension fund – if operated with prudence 'and' honesty by the management exec's and bean counters (some chance) would primarily be used to make mortgage loans to its members – and not finance hare-brained Ponzi schemes or invest in sub-prime / derivatives / loan swap fiscal suicide pacts with the likes of Michael Milken, Ivan Boesky or Bernie Maddog.

Sir Jarvis continued his caustic commentary: "I've had a problem with this for-profit privatised agency scourge since its inception back in Maggie Twatcher's day - specifically the 'Cartelism' aspects of PFIs – and the shady likes of Crapita – and the G4S and Serco Renta-Thug agencies - contracted to do the lazy-arsed government's work for it - and paying top dog execs mega-bucks salaries - just another bad idea in a long line of very bad ideas."

"Personally my view of this government culture of 'outsourcing' to Private Finance Initiative companies is one of corporate responsibility and corporate incompetence going hand in hand - and I'm of a mind that the chief executives who caused this mess should be thrown in one of Her Majesty's Carillion-run prisons."
"Unfortunately this isn't practical as Carrilion's unpaid staff have walked out and quit – with the Carillion-run jails now operating on an 'open doors' policy and the prisoners sent home as volunteer staff from the Samaritans and local Community Enforcement Officers have no funds to feed them."

As to Carillion executives who have done a tactical 'exit stage left' move and quit the company since it became 'insider-obvious' that the shit was going to hit the fan – and those still employed – are scandalously due to pick up all manner of self-devised Croesus-level golden handshake deals – including post-departure payments, iron-clad pension guarantees and mega-bucks 'performance bonuses'.

Bonus? Que? WTF? Who gets a bonus for fucking the company up and then doing a runner when they realise the company can't afford to buy a jar of coffee for the board room cappuccino machine.

Blundering chief executive Richard Howson was paid £55,000 a month basic salary – even though he quit last July after the first of two dire profit warnings and sneaked off to his private £1.2 million hidey hole farmhouse mansion near Skipton, North Yorks – yet was due to rake in a £660,000 salary and £28,000 in benefits until October 2018 as part of his sweetheart departure deal - despite Carillion’s insolvency collapse .
For the public record, Howson 'earned' (sic) £1.5 million quid in salary, bonuses and pension payments in 2016 alone - and raked in more than £6 million in pay and perks during his five years at the firm.

Former chief bean counter Zafar Khan, who skipped the portended Carillion disaster last September, was due to receive £425,000 in base salary for 12 months.

Finance director Richard 'Dick' Adam, who retired in December 2016 after nine years at Carillion, received £1.1 million nicker in salary and bonuses for 2016 – and has earned £6.6 million in pay, bonuses and pension rewards since 2009.

(No shit, how much would the bonuses have been if the company had cut a profit and didn't go bankrupt on their watch?)

Interim chief executive Keith Cochrane is due to be paid his £750,000 salary until July, despite leaving the star-crossed company in February.

The Carillion chairman, Philip Green – (not another bungling Philip Greed – in the footsteps of namesake boss of Brokeshop, Topman, Wallis & Gromit, Good 'Evans, Gone fer a Burton, Miss Selfish, Dorothy Porkins, and Shitfit?) - has collected more than £500,000 in payments for his 'once a week' appearances since taking over in 2014.

Green, whose 28,500 Carillion pension fund members face hits to their retirement incomes in the wake of the company’s collapse and bankruptcy, was found to be in 'breach of trust' by the Pensions Ombudsman after a company he headed 25 years ago also went tits up.
The breach of trust and maladministration finding against Green back in 1994 came following a whistle-blowing exposure that he and two fellow trustees allowed pension scheme money to be used to buy a luxury flat from a close colleague at an inflated price.

Welcome to the 'Top Rung' corporate ladder version of the great Ripoffs Anonymous graft & corruption game.

And as this shower of shits have deliberately devised these guaranteed cover yer ass payments ready for the company going tits up - so too will other former chiefs and exec's continue to pocket wages for months to come – as ordinary common herd staff and outside contractors face being dumped with next to fuck all – if they're lucky.

Littler wonder at the mounting fury viz the fact executives at the construction giant, also involved in the HS2 rail line fubar, were paid so much, despite being perfectly aware they were in big time financial troubles – yet were still handed – and imprudently accepted - additional government contracts.

Carillion hurtled towards collapse, putting 20,000 jobs at risk, while the fat cat bosses ¬continued to line their pockets with the barrow-loads of public purse cash supplied by their Tory Nasty Party cronies. A classic case of rewards for failure – with taxpayers’ funds siphoned off into private boardrooms – and the top dog Carillion exec's feasted at the fiscal trough while their workforce were denied meaningful pay raises and forced to live a hand to mouth existence.

Thus once again the taxpayer is left to pick up the bill for another failed PFI company in a bid to rescue the public services it had contracts with - such as schools, prisons and hospitals.

Yes, hospitals. Carillion Care Trust's 11,500 in-patient hospital beds – and a further 50,000 hospital trolleys and sleeping bags for patients doomed to doss in the hospital corridors – and zero funds to pay doctors and nurses – or buy aspirin. We can thank the smarmy National Ill-Health Service minister, Jeremy Kunt, for this one.

Meanwhile, some fucker or their dog involved with the Insolvency Service investigation, still possessed with a couple of ounces of common sense regarding the health (and wealth) of the taxpayers' public purse, has made a command responsibility 'decision' to block bonus payments to Carillion directors.

These include all manner of executive scam golden handshake 'severance payments' to former bosses - as well as salaries due to current directors after the date of liquidation. Ouch – we bet that one's gonna hurt.

Thought for the day.
The $64,000 dollar question – at the end of the day, who the fuck is to blame for Carrilion's collapse?
Transport Secretary Chris Grayling’s decision to terminate the East Coast rail contract is viewed as the worst abuse of public funds since the last 'worse abuse' case - and accelerated the demise of the Carillion construction giant.

Political fallout from squandering hundreds of millions of taxpayer’s cash to end the contract with Virgin Trains East Coast and Stagecoach forced Terry Mayhem's Nasty Party government's hand to pull the plug on their plans to keep Carillion afloat.

Mind you, anything and everything this wanker Graything – (the same prick who, as Justice Secretary, banned books in prisons) - has ever touched turns to shit.

Richard Howson - the disgraced CEO of Carillion - the firm handed millions in contracts by the Tories which went into nose dive liquidation this week leaving thousands of employees and small businesses facing bankruptcy and unemployment - is now director of Wood Group – the engineering and technical services company in charge of inspections at Hinkley Point C nuclear power station.

Oh my – another Chernobyl or Fuckupshima Mk2 in the making?

In July last year, Howson, the incompetent former Group Chief Executive of Carillion responsible for the bankruptcy debacle – stood down and disappeared on the same day the company’s disastrous finances were revealed - but only after awarding himself £1.5 million in pay and tens of £££ thousands in bonuses and perks - leaving the firm with an initial £800 million pension deficit and debts of £1.4 billion.

Hmmm, Socrates was coerced into drinking hemlock for his sins - and Japanese corporate transgressors commit ritual seppuku. What if?

Carbon Credits Cap & Trade Offset Exchange (aka Global Warming / Climate Change Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration.
While a hefty score of conscience-stifled rabid royals, noncing nobles, political Parliamentary ponces, perjurious legal beagles, the City's money-laundering Square Mile banksters and corruption-ridden porky plods might have become collateral 'fear and alarm' casualties and thrown into paranoid psychosis states of scandalous exposure anxiety attacks, no innocent non-combatant women and kids - and especially so Muslim migrant refugee 'Junior Jihadi' sprogs – or trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees, small furry 'felcher friendly' sized mammals – ferrets and stoats, voles, moles, white mice, bum rats, chinchillas, hamsters, guinea pigs, gerbils, miniature coypus, dwarf beavers, etcetera, et al – were harmed in posting this insurrectionist Truthsayer epistle.

Conversely, a large number of the NSA – GCHQ / Five Eyes Alliance’s Prism / Tempora / Carnivore / Echelon / X-Keyscore / SIG-INT I-Spy super snooper ‘Nosy Bastard’ wire-tap / IMSI catchers / eavesdropping Dachau DVD / Eco-Giraffe data mining / TOR sniffing / JTRIG / Umbra Ultra-encrypted system’s nasty network electrons on Hubble Bubble Road in EMF smog-bound Cheltenham were shocked into high anxiety states and temporarily inconvenienced by our act of disrespect for political correctness.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness.
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