Downing St Appoints Fake News Mandarin

In today's 'Big Brother Cometh' fake news clampdown exposé we bring readers the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering counter-culture hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding anti-authoritarian non-conformists, proto-nihilists and those eclectic career radical, pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg recusant bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial - and harbour zero respect or empathy for the privilege-abusing authoritarian 0:01% oligarchy that believe they rule this world and all upon its mantle.

Following Nasty Party PM Terry Mayhem's top secret meetings with the COBRA Snake Bite Committee and the National Security Council yesterday, Downing Street's gender neutral 'spokesperson' James Slack publicly announced that a new Ministry unit is to be established to tackle that most heinous of socio-political destabilising mediums - 'fake news' – a bulletin swiftly questioned by media sources and branded as an early April Fools' stunt – and too Orwellian in nature to be true, and hence - in and of itself – establishment-spawned 'fake news'.

Conversely, Downing Street's official Director of Communications – and sole surviving member of the Bee Gees family - Robbie Gibb, rushed to the rescue and addressed Doubting Thomas gutter press hacks outside No 10, where, in the presence of an attending Bishop, he swore on a King James Bible to confirm that Slack's earlier media release was 'not' fake news.

Gibb elucidated that Mrs Mayhem had already appointed a Minister for Fake News, rescuing the 96-year old Brigadier-General Sir Dinsdale Figg-Newton from a life of retirement and obscurity following his being cashiered back in 2003 for ordering an RAF napalm strike on the CIA's opium crops in Afghanistan's Bell End Province.

Under Figg-Newton's aegis, a dedicated crack squad of 'web-savvy' techno-cons, to be aptly named 'The Spiders' is being cobbled together to counter fake internet news and outright black propaganda – in the vain hope of protecting national security – along with the government's flagging credibility.

This communications unit will be sanctioned to wage sub-nuclear online 'cyber battles' to counter the blockchain technology used to drive the fake news databases and saturation point disinformation releases peddled by belligerent foreign state actors – and 'unspecified others'.

The bogus news strategy follows in the wake of Terry Mayhem accusing Russian PM Vlad Putrid, of meddling in Broken Britain's 2017 general election and undermining the integrity of her previous House of Conmans Tory majority in an attempt to screw up the EUSSR Brexit negotiations.

Speaking to gutter press hacks at the NHS Harold Shipman Centre for Medical Excellence, while piped up to his kidney dialysis machine, Figg-Newton opined that "We are living in an era of phony baloney news and competing narratives – hence Mrs Mayhem's Nasty Party administration intend to respond with an added vigour dynamic and finally encrypt national security communications to tackle these interconnected, complex challenges."

“To meet this criterion we must build on our non-existent capabilities by creating a dedicated national security communications unit tasked with combating instances of cyber-espionage and disinformation being circulated by non-government propaganda sources – usually the Russians and Chinese – both of whom are hell bent on sowing discord in the West to undermine the revered sovereign institutions that run this country – specifically Parliament, the Freemasons, Tesco - and the Rothschild banks."

"Thus my priority as sham news Tsar will be to press gang a core element of staff from GCHQ, and run adverts for unemployed cyber security boffins – a battalion of keyboard warriors - in next week's copy of the Big Issue – with the obvious proviso that no Russians need apply."

"So there's the grand plan in a nutshell - fake news suppression – (unless, of course, it's Nasty Party generated fake news) – with an end game objective to stamp down on this out-of-control free speech phenomenon that has escaped the once-secure soapbox confines of Hyde Park corner and spread its noxious, virulent self across the length and breadth of our once-sceptred isle."

Well, there you have it, the government's scheme to eradicate so-called 'fake news'. And what is the qualified opinion of the common herd's typical gender-neutral 'person-in-the-street' to this proposed blatant infringement of free speech and civil liberties?

One press hack from the Daily Shitraker, doing a spot check opinion round of Greater Manchester's infamous Stench Hill sink or swim council estate, spoke with Bev McSkanger, a 16-year old mother-of-three – who confided she'd just graduated from Wythenshawe's Asbo Central Academy with both A-level and NVQ1 summa cum laude passes in Welfare Benefit Fraud.

"If yer asks me – which is wot yer are doin' – it sounds like a bad plot fer a remake of that 1984 movie – where it's okay fer the effin' government ter be puttin' out fake stories an' bullshit photo-shopped images – an' tryin' ter divert the public's attentions from shit like the fact little Maddy McCann woz choked on some Tapas Seven Freemason's paedo cock, an' probably abducted by alien Greys from the Draco constellation - or P an' Q, the Draper-Dearman siblin's, woz never sexually abused by the Hampstead Satan-worship Death Eater kiddie fiddlin' ring wot operated out of the Christ Almighty Primary School – cos the Plod Squad sez no such group exists."

"All these farcical tensions is bein' hyped by the government an' in the media over fake news an' competing narratives - aka the Truth - wot's destabilisin' the foundations of socio-political structures on a global scale is more scent than substance – a phenomenon only manifested since the advent of kamikaze hackers, whistle-blowin' cyber warriors like WickedLeaks an' Anonymous – an' Eddie Snowdon style 'cat outa the bag' bad publicity first strikes."

"Yeah, it's all bogus news when some canny street smart cyber warrior starts postin' obvious effin' truths on the net – such as the fact that the Israel Mossad an' the Great Satan's Mil-Ind complex Neo-Con scum did 9/11 – an' MI5 did 7/7 – an' the fact that there woz no Pakiland Muslim backpack bombers on the tube cos the stupid twats missed their trains – an' the bombs woz C4 military grade explosive wot woz stashed underneath the trains – an' why the carriage floors woz blown upwards – then that's all black propaganda fake news."

"Same wiv the 101 other false flag terror attacks wot Western governments have blamed on some other hapless wanker – like that 7/7 tube bombin' bloke, Mohammad al Patsy an' his mates wot got snuffed by the Met's SO19 gung ho psychos at Canary Wharf."

"Then we have bullshit stories of shampoo an' black pepper sub-nuclear explosive devices an' ricin bombs – an' bio-weapon virus infected ISIS 'suicide sneezers' - infiltrated inter the midst of Western society by Iran an' Hezbollah – all intent on causin' an infidel mass cull by coughin' and snortin' their way ter martyrdom an' Paradise."

"An' that's wot Mrs Mayhem's on about wiv this fake news crackdown bullshit – echoin' the same old clichéd saw - 'It's the Russians!' again."
"I ain't jokin', it's a strategic game plan straight out of the control freak pages of Kafka - or Huxley or Orwell."
"A Big Brother totalitarian panopticon society, run by some Common Purpose-NLP brainwashed psychotic Compliance Squad where they intend ter eviscerate wot the fuck is left of our civil liberties – an' free speech is gonna go the same way as the Dodo: ex-fuckin-stinct."

Thought for the day. So, if the fake news phenomenon and its authors are to be targeted then that will see the BBC shut down within the week – along with a strew of national gutter press dailies – and political party manifestos declared 'scriptum non grata' and shredded – along with all other manner of officialdom's spiced up 'dodgy dossiers'.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness.
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