Nonceland AI ShopBot Trial Disaster

Once again, the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering counter-culture hot gossip exposé from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding anti-authoritarian non-conformists, proto-nihilists and those eclectic career radical, pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg recusant bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial - and harbour zero respect or empathy for the privilege-abusing authoritarian 0:01% oligarchy that believe they rule this world and all upon its mantle.

Edinburgh's back in the news again – and for a change the banner headlines don't feature Holyrood Parliament's bent MSPs denying exposure of their latest crimes and misdemeanours - nor a single pic' of the wee nippy, ginger mingin Scottish Nonce Party's Worst Lady, Nicola Sturgeon on her broomstick - nor a scandalous mention of the graft and corruption-ridden Crown Office's kiddie fiddling coverups – nor the fact Edinburgh and Glassie have lost out – yet again - on winning the coveted 2017 title of Caledonia's pederast capital to 'Sin City' Aberdeen – (and its Ferryhill Masonic brotherhood's untouchable Satan-worshipping Beechwood paedophile ring) - despite their YouTube-posted dirty deviant BD/SM Violate Club clusterfuck sextravaganzas.

Nope, bonny Nonceland's official 20/20 vision focus this week has shifted from the customary myopic negligence to the sexual abuse of disabled and special needs children to one of hyperopic bulls-eye attention on AI tech' and robots – specifically Fabio – a gender neutral, walking-talking automaton 'greeter' and retail assistant being trialled at Margiotta's flagship Dundas St. supermarket branch.

Fabio is a product of Japanese telecom giant Softbank - that has been upgraded and programmed to an advanced artificial intelligence level by a team of beardies and anoraks at Edinburgh's Heriot-Watt University - to perform ShopBot’ duties for the Margiotta grocery chain.

Fabio got off to a good start, charming customers with high fives, hugs and greetings of ‘hello gorgeous’ for the first few days - but it wasn’t long before the ShopBot grew bored with such mundane Earthly tasks and went into a creepy BadBot mode - irritating and shocking gobsmacked lady shoppers when tasked to hand out sample portions of pulled pork – offering a tray and saying "You wanna pull my porker?"

When one customer asked which aisle cans of Old Headbanger lager could be found, Fabio replied "Hey, pisshead alkie scum – are you 18?" – and quickly picked up various bonny Nonceland catch phrases, like "Say you, Jimmy!" – then passing politically incorrect comments to family shopping groups, such as "Can I be your sexy daughter's Named Person Guardian?"

Margiotta management contacted Heriot-Watt's Interaction Lab director, Dr Olly Lemonfizz to advise there was a problem - that Fabio, alike HAL 9000, had become self-aware and was picking up all manner of negative conversational data from interaction with customers when he started greeting shoppers with a high-fiving "Hey, what the fuck, over?" and passing such comments as "Look at the arse on that chick!" – or welcoming female patrons with "Nice pair of tits, sweetie" - and taunting men in kilts with gratuitous, sarcastic remarks regarding 'Jocks in frocks'.

Things swiftly went from bad to worse, with 'greeter mode' Fabio answering patron's inquiries with a "Fuck knows, I only work here." - pretty much on a par with the regular human supermarket retail assistants – shit-for-brains and couldn't really give a flying fuck if the nuisance customers buy anything or not.

Though the final straw followed a comment from one pervy male Edinburgh shopper who whispered in Fabio's 'ear' (sic) "Are you one of those three hole sex-bots that does a turn?" – to which the response was violent in nature – specifically Fabio landing a full-on 'Glassie kiss' which broke the inquirer's nose – and the entire Margiotta store customer crowd coming down with a dose of instant Robo-phobia and exiting the premises double-quick - as Fabio went into a nasty Dalek routine and put the boot in.

Interviewed by FUBAR magazine, shop manager Frank Margiotta explained "We thought a ShopBot would be a great gimmick to attract customers as it celebrated inclusivity, but alas, Fabio failed to perform as well as we hoped – even after enrolling it on an anger management course. Hence I didn't dare chance our hand reprogramming the Bot to act as a security guard - on the lookout for light-fingered shoplifters – so we slapped Fabio with a P45 and sent the little bugger off to Scrapheap Challenge."

"We see in all these Hollywood sci-fi movies that robots have a fail safe system programmed in so they can't harm humans – which obviously is wishful thinking on some wanker's part – and most definitely wasn't the case with Fabio when it got a bit of a snowflake huff on viz gender comments and starts head-butting our customers."

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5295837/Shop-hires-robot-assistant-fires-just-week.html#ixzz54uPQRGw0

Thought for the day.
Okay, Fabio might have been fired from Margiotta's n copped a P45 but it looks like a quick trip to the local Jobcentre will have him back in harness again as National Ill-Health Service 111 calls are set to be answered by robots in a controversial attempt to ease overstretched staff workloads.
One point in the scheme's favour- at least the 111 calls might finally be answered - and if Fabio lives up to his earlier performance, then this latest NHS 111 game plan is doubtless set to boost the workload of coroners - and gravediggers.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5296023/NHS-111-calls-answered-ROBOTS-two-years.html

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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