UK Grannies Slated for Apprenticeships

In today’s 'You Couldn't Make This Shit Up' gender inequality compounded with political arrogance exposé edition we bring you the latest and greatest in politically-incorrect scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial

Guy Opperman, the bungling Nasty Party MP for Sexham - who also holds the low-level post of Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Pension Inequality & Financial Exclusion - yesterday went into career self-harm mode, had his passport to social acceptance revoked and committed his sorry arse to the annals of ignominious political infamy – branded as a class act misogynist.

Opperman - the type of obnoxious prat who inspires one to count their fingers if unfortunate enough to have shaken hands with him - provoked outrage and a furious response in Parliament after suggesting millions of older women - whose pensions will be delayed - should sign up for the apprentice charter – a 'Grannyship' - and work an extra six years until they reach the reset retirement age level.

As Opperman left the House of Conmans he was swamped by a shockwave of incandescent rage and heckled with shouts of 'Dog Wanker!', 'Knobhead!', 'Male Chauvinist Scum!' and simply 'Twat!' from a coven of irate post-menopausal broomstick merchants aligned with the Women Against State Pension Inequality campaign.

The gospel according to Hansard records the reality-detached Opperman as stating the government had no intention to repeal or ameliorate the 1995 or 2011 Pensions Acts – nor make any concessions to the so-called 'Waspi women', who copped for an out of the blue gobsmacking shock when informed they would have to wait an extra six years for their pensions.

The IQ-deficient tosser then proposed that women in their early 60's - who've paid National Insurance contributions all their working lives - should re-train and consider 'apprenticeship opportunities' – while truth be told, even the youth demographic and school-leavers can't find employment via the Tory Party's more scent than substance apprenticeship programme.

62-year old Croydon grandma and former school dinner lady, Gladys McSkanger, opined to one gutter press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette. "Wot the fuck am I supposed ter re-train as at my effin' age, I asks yer – an effin' brickie or truck driver – or one of them Lollipop Ladies outside the school in all kinds of shit weather – gettin' piss wet through an' freezin' cold and catchin' pneumonia? No fucker or their dog's gonna employ me at my age cos I'm gonna be spendin' more time off work on the sick wiv me hip problems, sciatica, diabetes an' heart condition than I am on the fuckin' job."

"Bollocks, I'm gonna be in me grave by the time 2020 comes round in three years an' I'd be 65 an' finally entitled ter me old age pension."
"This tosspot Opperman an' his Tory pals don't give a flyin' fuck about the common herd, wot wiv their guaranteed MP resettlement grants when they quit an' can retire at 55 - an' golden goose pensions linked at 37% of final salary wot's worth £27,750 – an' here's the likes of me meant ter scrape by on £550 quid a month. Little effin' wonder yer got mobs of grannies resortin' ter suicide over this delayed pension crap."

And the Nasty Party's official response to complaints and protests regarding the controversial 'Grannyship' programme? Go get a job in one of any major city's ubiquitous Rub n Tug massage parlours – where the grandma class will present an attractive appeal for clients wanting a happy ending gamarouche - as they've probably got false teeth already and can give the perfect 'gum job'.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, doubtless this comment will raise the feminist bloc's ire and hackles, but we don't seem to recall any shouts of 'inequality' from the female sector of society while they copped a state pension at 60 and men had to soldier on until 65.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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