New Labour to Field Paedos for MP Slots

In today’s ‘Enhanced Brazen Cheek’ arrogance-plus edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel strumming down the Westminster grapevine is rife with scandalous whispers that New Labour's hierarchy are planning to field raving alcoholic necro-sex, fish-fucking paedophiles as their MP candidates in a desperate move to win seats in the forthcoming May general election due a shortage of wannabe politicos jumping ship from the three major parties and signing up with UKIP and the Greens.

Grotty Grimsby's incumbent Labour MP, the geriatric back bench Austin Mitchell, is being blamed for the rumours after speaking to one gutter press hack from the Fishmongers Gazette after quaffing several pints of Old Headbanger lager in the town's notorious Slippery Eel pub, where he let indiscretion rule his senile brain while commenting on his imminent retirement from politics - 'and Grimsby' - as, in his own words "every fuckin' thing stinks of fish" - claimed Labour would hold the Grimsby seat even if they nominated some infamous kiddie fiddling scumbag like Jimmy Savile or Leon Brittan or Greville Janner as their candidate to replace him.

Going into typical politician style 'denial mode', the 129-year old Mitchell, who has been the Parliamentary expense-fiddling MP for Grimsby since the Boer War and was previously known as Albert Haddock, Austin Cambridge and Michelin X before settling on his current political nom de guerre, denied this pisshead faux pax incident, claiming on Twitter that the paper had misconstrued what he actually said and was a victim of malicious journalism, and such constituted an attack not only on Grimsby but too his replacement New Labour candidate, Ms. Melanie Onn-Off.

When contacted by the Daily Shitraker for his version on the veracity of the Fishmongers Gazette story Mitchell stated for the public record, quote: "It's all a bag of crap" – albeit repeatedly refusing to deny having made the scurrilous comments, and instead attempted to steer off at a tangent and change the subject, saying the north-east Lincolnshire town was "dyed in the wool loyal Labour" - adding - "as far as the inference that the people of Grimsby are stupid, its not true – a bit thick perhaps, which doctors put down to them eatin' all that effin' fish."

Following failed attempts to contact Labour's child prodigy leader Ed Millipede for his take on Mitchell's error of political judgement due 'Wallace' being busy with reorganising his train set as a practice run for sorting out Rattle Track and Notwork Rail when he's elected Prime Minister in May, Labour's shadow business secretary, Brick Chuka Ummuna admitted he personally didn't agree with the Grimsby MP's reported comments.

"We have to make allowances though for our older House of Conmans members, and poor Austin's dementia does seem to be getting worse. First it's sexist comments and fiddling £10,549 quid in Parliamentary expenses for fictitious mortgage payments – and now this – nominating paedophile alkies to run for Parliament. Let's hope the silly old sod isn't trying to sabotage Melanie Onn-Off's chances of getting elected."

Meanwhile, the indestructible UKIP leader Nigel Farage, speaking to a media hack from the Turncoats Review, opined that Mitchell's comments were a massive publicity boost for his party, which is mounting a challenge for the vacant Grimsby seat at May's general election with ex-EDL defector Ron McScrote – (rumoured to be 'olfactory impaired' after getting head butted in a night club scrap) – standing for the MP slot and declaring "I don't give a fuck how bad the place stinks of rottin' fish cos I can't smell owt."

Do you live in the Grotty Grimsby area? Would you knowingly vote for a raving kiddie fiddler to be your MP? Do you realise that half the MPs in the House of Conmans are fudging sodomites with rabid pederast tendencies who download child porn on their iPads during debates - then sod off round to Dolphin Square or Barnes Elm Guest House to bum little boys on loan from care homes - and strangle them?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a nice cosy money-spinning sinecure on your local council
A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and address so the party whips 'and' Operation Spewtree detectives know where to find you.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour 'and' hard public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

http://rustyskewednewsviews.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/new-labour-to-field-paedos-for-mp-slots.html

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.