Princess Meghan to Pen Own Bio’

Royal biographer, Tom Bower, has this week speculated that, based on insider publishing house chat - and rumours ricocheting around and out of the Montecito gossip pit, that Meghan Markle, in a fit of jealousy sparked by her paramour, Harry’s literary success – and rumoured whisperings of his biography 'Spare' being nominated for the 2024 Nobel Prize for Literature - is set to follow in the ‘literary’ (sic) footsteps of her royal author husband, Red Harry (the Spare) and intends to pen her own ‘personally-drafted’ memoir – in the vein of Omid Scumbie's second book, Bell End Game, in which the gender-obscura writer focuses on the sordid, self-indulgent lives of these celebrity buffoons – the Montecito-exiled Hewitt couple – an embarrassment to have as neighbours.

This controversial new biography, to be penned by Meghan’s own hand through the spring and summer months of 2024, is expected to unleash yet a further barrage of her personal brand of simpering victimhood, and racist accusations, against Broken Britain’s all-white – and up-tight – past its sell-by date monarchy.

There again, the English monarchy has, since time immemorial, survived abdications; sordid adulterous and incestuous affairs; patricide; matricide; and numerous instances of filicide; plus copious beheadings of dynastic nuisances - so shall doubtless survive whatever back-stabbing calumny a grifter of Meghan’s ilk might concoct to smear them with.

Blowing her own trumpet recently, at Variety's Power of Women gala in Los Angeles, Meghan morphed into loose lips self-delusional mode after a couple of flutes of Chateau de Plonk, and boasted of the future big bucks projects she and her ginger-minging dunce of a husband, Harry, are working on – after Netflix shit-canned their utter excrement entertainment output.

The Duchess of Hewitt later pretentiously flaunted her authorship ambitions during an interview with one low life gutter press hack from the Sunshine State’s prestigious Shit-Stirrers Gazette, stating: "I can't wait until we publish my biography – my ‘memorable memoire’ – of life in England around the wicked Windsor royal family - as we are so proud of what I’m creating all by myself back at home in the US” – then further gloated “Everyone will want to read it, and how horrible the wrinkled old troll Camilla – and that snotty bitch Kate - were towards me. I’m married to the spare Prince, so I should have a Princess title and a diamond tiara too – just like stuck-up Katie Middleclass."

Well aware that royal scandal is always a major dollar-spinning material income source for the mass media, Meghan intends to finger the member of the royal household (anyone like a 10 to 1 bet on arch-gobshite Prince Andrew?) who purportedly once ‘voiced concern’ viz the predicted colour of the Hewitt’s first child - Archie's - skin, when it became public knowledge she was preggers by the Royal Cuckoo – (this related to Meghan’s African maternal gene stock) – while purportedly joking with the late Queen’s Fuckingham Palace ladies-in-waiting that ‘the little bastard’s going to pop out a permanently sun-tanned version of its ginger minging Hewitt cuckoo Daddy’’.

Unfortunately the bird-brained Meghan’s inflated ego took quite a bump recently when a senior editor at the illustrious Los Angeles-based Scandal-Mongers Press refused to meet her demand for a cool $ ten million bucks advance on the yet-to-be written bio’ after reading a mess-of-pottage draft of the first chapter - scribbled in blue ballpen on a lined school exercise book – and advised the Hewitt couple to buy a word processor and either take a crash course in literary style, grammar, and spelling – or re-hire Harry’s ‘Spare’ volume ghost writer to formulate Meghan’s ramblings into a coherent and readable state of ‘The Queen’s English’.

Hmmm, perhaps that should now read: ‘The King’s English’. (just to keep HRH Chazzer happy).

Apparently the ‘first chapter’ draft copy of her manuscript was returned to the illiterate Meghan covered in bright red pen proofing marks, with a 0 out of 10 / D for Effort / Must Try Harder score.

Ah well, no surprises there, as Meghan was once described by Aaron Squash, creator of the original ‘Suits’ legal drama, as ‘intellectually constipated’ – a charitable euphemism for ‘fucking stupid’.

Allergy warning: for readers suffering from HSS (Hypersensitive Snowflake Syndrome) – there is no known EpiPen medication remedy for adverse reactions to the 'politically incorrect' – aka the Truth.

This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane unorthodox irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour and caffeine-boosted public interest factoids with socio-political satire - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references, 5G electrosmog radiation, and a chemtrail residue of genetically-modified nano-particle bush telegraph innuendo.