Thursday, 1 January 2009

Cynics Predict 2009 as Totally Bonkers Year

Cynics worldwide are predicting 2009 will be the barmiest year in recorded history to date, and there may well be some accuracy to their claim as even leaders of the Church of Perpetual Optimism are agreeing with them.

Professor Theobald Headbanger, Senior Cynicist at Princeton’s Institute of Advanced Guesswork, informed the media “A quick glance at the astrological charts for 2009 show some very serious negative alignments. It won’t be so much of Murphy’s Law applying globally, but more at Flanagan’s Precept.”

Asked by reporters to elaborate, Prof. Headbanger explained “Flanagan’s Precept states Murphy was an optimist.”
He went on to proclaim “Chinese New Year on the 26th January sees the end of the Year of the Festering Rat and ushers in the Year of the Spitting Ferret: a wholly malevolent mythical creature whose manifestation is a harbinger of disaster.”

The clots we supposedly vote for to govern us magnanimously are repeatedly proving themselves to be primarily agents of self-interest who eventually rise to achieve their greatest level of incompetence. One ponders what they have in store for the New Year.

A swift eyeball-twisting scan of the online world news for the 1st January indicates that not much is going to change in the immediate future.

Silly season 2009 kicks of with Norway passing legislation to confuse both whores and their clients equally: making it a crime to pay for sex, but not a crime to sell it.
The UK New Year honours list, normally biased and given to political positive discrimination, this year pays tribute to alternative transport by giving a bloke who rides a bike a Knighthood. Another bloke with a great sun tan gets an MBE for driving a car round in circles.
In the US the next president gets ready to assume the mantle of Supreme Leader. A coloured Islamic radical who can’t even prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he’s actually an American citizen.

In the Middle East we have a conundrum to ponder. The Palestinian population are reportedly in dire straights and suffering malnutrition as no food or medical aid is reaching them but seem to maintain an inexhaustible supply of rockets and mortar rounds to fire off into Israel on a daily basis, then whinge like hell when Israel drops bombs on them.

As the world gets both feet firmly mired in the deepening global recession, the Brainiacs in Brussels announce that the EU will stave off the effects of said recession due the fact the populations of member states are free to travel to whichever EU country they desire : to claim unemployment and social security benefits, and sleep rough as homeless itinerants.

The bonny Scots got off to a Merry Madness Highlands Hogmanay celebration by holding their usual al fresco New Year’s Eve Haggis Hunts and street parties in temperatures as low as minus 15 Centigrade, with first malt whiskey icing over in glasses as revellers sang Auld Lang Syne in Edinburgh’s Prince’s Street at midnight.
Hundreds of couples had to be thawed out with steam hoses by emergency services teams this morning after being frozen solid while enjoying a spot of nocturnal Hogmanay dogging in Holyrood Park.

In Glasgow Hector McScrunt, head Jock of the clan McScrunt, was admitted to the Gorbals Park Memorial Hospital in the wee hours and underwent emergency genital surgery after he mistook a feral tomcat for his dropped sporran and attempted to reattach it to his kilt. McScrut, who has a past history of small furry animal and bagpipe abuse, will be interviewed by RSPCA officers later.

To cap it all, in the UK, disaster strikes to the heart and sears sweet memories as everyone recalls their childhood’s favourite shoplifting outlet, Woolworths, now it ceases trading and closes the doors forever, never again to be pillaged by juvenile larcenists.

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