Five Ways to Slay the Beast of 2009

January kicks off 2009 with a few depressing issues. Remember that clot Gore and the global warming fiasco of last year ? (we’re all gonna sweat to death or drown due the melting icecaps) Remember the savings made by not having to fork out for anti-freeze for the car this winter.
Whoops, engine block and radiator frozen solid. Maybe a cracked cylinder head, definitely a couple of core plugs shoved out. Another unnecessary expense to lay alongside the mortgage you can’t pay since you were made redundant due the quagmire recession.

However, to help lift the gloom, we asked the government’s Ministry of Optimism to contribute some original, simple ideas for combating the slough of depression enveloping the nation and to boost the feel good factor.

"There are plenty of ways to explore the non-material aspects of life," says transvestite New Age guru and philosopher Vernon Dorkmonger, author of the best-selling self-help book ‘Who Give a Flying Fuck’.

"There are just so many concerts that people can go to for free, and lots of Salvation Army soup kitchens have them. At a choral Evensong Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at the back of Tesco’s you’ll get real quality music that might open you up to a new dimension in life: Really.”
“Even if you don’t get a spiritual buzz, then just sit back, shiver, and enjoy the soup.”

“Growin’ thee own food be th’ perfect tonic for kickin’ th’ New Year blues in th’ fuckin’ ‘ead” says celebrity gardener Morton Sodd.
“Just git out there wi’ thee sledge ‘ammer, chisels an’ pick axe an’ try an’ dig an’ ‘ole in th’ back garden in January wi’ all this effin’ frost around. Good all round exercise though.”

“Wot I normally do is stay in bed an’ stick another bun in th’ oven an’ ‘ave a root through me seed catalogues until March, then kick th’ wife’s arse out inter th’ gardens so she can start diggin’ an’ shit.”
“Bein’ self-sufficient an’ all that crap can be fun but with th’ price of seeds and compost bein’ so effin’ high now I usually say fuck it an’ get me fruit an’ veg’ from th’ local car boot. All imported fresh from Poland an’ it cuts out all th’ shaggin’ around with digging an’ bendin’ down an’ wot-ave yer. ”

“Exercise makes you happy”, says celebrity personal trainer Stevie ‘Starman’ Hawkins, who pushes boxing and martial arts exercise regimes from his mobility-friendly wheerchair office.

"My clients come in from the City stressed and angry and down in the dumps because they’ve made a total bollocks of some hedge fund and lost a few billion pounds. But then you get them on the pads and bashing the old bags who do the cleaning and they’re transformed.”

“We’re simply too civilised now, sitting in cars and offices, but fighting is how we survived when we lived in caves. Judging from the current mortgage and housing repossession crises, quite a few are going to be back in that situation before the year’s out.”

“However, boxing and kicking the living shit out of some hapless twat connects to our primeval survival instincts, releasing anxiety and improving fitness. It gets the adrenalin and serotonin pumping even better than a good wank or a nocturnal al fresco dogging session knee trembler, up against an oak tree, standing bollock naked in a bunch of nettles. Christ, do I remember those days.”

The key to injecting some excitement into a gloomy New Year, says Nigerian personality coach N’donga Amin, is to break up the old routines and meet some new people.
A ‘pisspot-luck’ dinner combines both ingredients, without having the credit card bailiffs kicking your door in again.
"Decide on a theme, such as Indian, get a group of homeless people together, or anyone sitting outside Samaritans doing a spot of self-harm with a Stanley knife blade.”
“Hand out simple self-printed invitation cards with your name and address on and everyone has to bring a contribution dish to the meal. You can do the smart-arse bit and order the main Indian course from the take-away a couple of hours before, then empty all the food into your own kitchenware, dump the fast food packs in the neighbour’s trash can and pretend you cooked it all yourself.”
“There’s nothing wrong starting off new relationships with a generous portion of bullshit. You might just get a ‘thank you’ shag out of it.”

“Anyway, your guests turn up. One might bring a starter, one a dessert, one a bottle of full bodied red, or even a bottle of meths: it all adds to the fun.”
“One guest turned up at my buddy’s house with his mates and they’d all brought their own guns, promptly had him bound and gagged, then cleaned the house out and buggered his corgi for good measure.”

Send love through Meditation, or with a note attached to a smart bomb as the Israelis do to the Gaza Palestinians.
Mongoose Annie, head Swami of the Smegmadale Buddhist Centre, heartily recommends learning metta banana meditation as the best way to feel happier in 2009.
“Metta banana means ‘the cultivation of yellow-skinned phallic fruit’ in Pali and there are five stages, each of which lasts about four hours for a beginner, so it quickly gets very boring and lots of novices quit and go down the pub.”

“But it is about helping individuals to cultivate positive emotion. In order to be happy one really needs to have plenty of money, then you don’t have to worry about paying bills or where the next meal’s coming from.”

“Anyway, if you don’t have money, then the next best thing is to focus inward and concentrate on your ‘metta’ energies. If you start to feel a deep, spreading burning sensation against your back, then you are perhaps sat too close to the fireplace.

Feel the metta, or love for yourself, as you stand on your head, naked, and inhale deeply, massaging your lingam a little faster with each breath until you sexperience a heavenly orgasm. Oh, it’s also wise keep your mouth closed at this stage.”
“However, I recommend you do this in the privacy of your own home and not while travelling on public transport.”