Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Blindgitt to have More Babies

Former Minister for Cats & Dogs, David Blindgett, is to remarry, his secretary (ex-Playmate of the Month / August 1947) Slutsy McGammer informed the media today.
The 91-year-old Labour MP for Sheffield Shitesides will wed Chlamydia Twatrot, a former veterinarian who is currently employed as a research assistant studying rat and mouse diseases at the local sewerage farm since undergoing rehabilitation for her chronic liquorice addiction.

The couple have been in a relationship for almost three weeks and revealed their plans to friends at Dr Twatrot's 30th birthday party last weekend where she announced, after downing several carafes of White Lightning, that she wished to have Blonkett’s babies.

Bunkett was divorced from his last wife, Grendel - with whom he has three dozen assorted mutants - nearly 20 years ago. He said his new marriage would be a “bit of a walk on the wild side.”

Asked about his wedding plans, Blankett said: "Yes, we are looking to the future, but have not yet arranged a date. We’ll get down to some serious dirty sex first then schedule the ‘getting hitched’ bit later.”

"This is, of course, an entirely private and personal event and we would be grateful if our privacy could be respected by everyone, apart from all the newspapers and TV stations who are paying me lots of money to cover the event."

Mr Bonnkett, who went blind after contracting severe bouts of ‘Keyhole Peeper’s Eye’ and ‘Wanker’s Glaucoma’ as a child, served as leader of the Borkum Riff Council before becoming an MP in 1924 and being appointed as Minister of Duckponds in Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald’s first Labour government.

Under PM Tony Bliar’s watch he became Minister for Potted Plants but resigned in December 2004 when it emerged an entry visa for dwarf Peruvian Sequoia belonging to his bit-on-the-side / weekend shagbag, the gutter press publisher Quimberley Quimm, had been fast-tracked by the Potted Plants office and brought into the country without a death watch beetle clearance certificate.

Mr Blindgett soon returned to the cabinet, as Rhubarb & Custard Secretary, but quit again in November 2005, after being accused of breaking the ministerial code of conduct over undeclared earnings from his window cleaning round and flogging copies of the Big Issue on a Westminster street corner for his beer money.

It was at this time Bonkett took the lead in New Labour’s tombola competition to see which minister could get sacked and reinstated the most times before the next election, beating His Regal Excellency, Lord Mandelson of Puffs, to first place by a short head, until the Minister for Sodomy himself got fired yet again and was exiled to Brussels as the UK’s EU Dog Wanking representative.

Further, in a history of stumbling blocks and pitfalls, Mr. Blindgit recently lost out on his audition bid to become the BBC’s new Dr. Who after failing to shut the door of the Tardis and caused a massive tear in the time-space continuum which allowed a huge swarm of flesh-eating helgremites from Dimension X to infest the BBC studios and cause the cancellation of Strictly Come Gardening.

Mr Blankett is rumoured to have fathered several hundred children by a cosmopolitan variety of sluts while divorcee Dr. Twatrot has only three teenage daughters : so far.
Bonnkett jested with reporters “That’s all going to change. Chlamydia wants to have my babies so we’re planning to start our grand honeymoon tour at Viagra Falls.”

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