EU President to Ban Soccer in Europe

The Czech Republic marked the start of its six-month term of the European Union presidency on January 1st 2009 with its deputy Prime Minister in charge of EU affairs, Alexander Armadildo, announcing he intends to enforce a prohibition on professional football throughout the EU member states.

However sports critics across Europe have condemned the proposal, stating it’s an act of spite on Armadildo’s part as the Czech soccer team all have two left feet and never win sweet fuck all unless there’s a Czech referee or linesman on the field.

Candida von Muffitch, official spokeslut for the Brussels-based anti-blood sports agency SoccerBan, who are supporting President Armadildo’s move, told the media “Professional soccer throughout the world has become a joke. The top league players are getting paid more each week than national leaders and corporate CEO’s. More than the Pope in fact.”
“The European teams are targets for money laundering schemes with most of them now owned and controlled by dodgy foreign politicians, oil-rich Arabs, exiled Russian oligarchs with a price on their heads, and their drug-dealing Chechnyan mafia compadres. It’s all got too far out of hand.”

Professor Lionel Crumpledforeskin, Senior Guessologist at London’s prestigious Tavistock Institute for Advanced Mindbending, informed Radio Numbskull’s sports desk “While professional soccer might have proved itself to be an ideal mind control tool for mesmerising the masses into a brain dead state, that’s all it does.”
“Good grief, just look at Smegmadale United’s supporters. They automatically go into a delta brainwave state as soon as a match kicks off. Zombies to a man.”
“We’ve even got fans praying to their idolised premier league players instead of God.”

“To really control the common herd of sheeple needs selective programming, which they can only receive through television as long as we still have to maintain this idiotic charade of democracy and free speech. The sooner a cashless society gets introduced and everyone’s micro-chipped the better, then we’ll be able to fine-tune individual wavelengths to do as they’re told.”

Superintendent Twatcher von Gammer, current head of EuroPlod’s soccer hooliganism task force, opined to EU reporters in Brussels, “It will be good for my officers if there are no more soccer matches to police. Now we can get on with concentrating on the violent antics of the cricket hooligans.”