Thursday, 29 January 2009

Global Recession Heralds Armageddon

As many as 500 million jobs worldwide could be lost this year due the actions of greedy shitbag bankers and corrupt government officials causing the current global economic crisis, says the UN's Inept Labour Organization (ILO).

The UN agency states that would push up the world's unemployment rate to 72.1% by the end of 2009, compared with 16.0% in 1850, 3.7% in 1491 and only 1.35% during the heyday of the Roman Empire when crucifixion was a major industry.

The fact that unemployment stood at zero per cent during the 5th Century BC was due China building its Great Wall and the rest of the world’s population being browse eaters and enjoying lives of blissful ignorance, shacked up in caves.

By 410 AD the Visigoths had discovered a hundred and one uses for the wheel but not being a society of greedy bastards knew sweet fuck all about fractional reserve banking, financial derivatives, FICO scores or sub-prime loans and thus lived and prospered in a debt-free society.
NB: There is no word for ‘bailiff’ in the early Germanic languages.

The ILO's most optimistic forecast for the close of the first decade of the new Millennium is that 180 million unemployed in the Third World (US / Europe) will despair and commit mass group suicides due the hopelessness of their situations, and thus greatly reduce the unemployment figures.
It says developing countries will suffer most from additional job losses, especially people who have never had a job in the first place and those who don’t even know what a job is.

Speaking to ILO researchers at a JobCentre Plus in Chad, Sayeed al Mange, an unemployed lumberjack who previously worked for a local branch of the defunct Sahara Forest Trading Company, related that the last thing he chopped up was his mother-in-law’s camel, which had died of thirst.

In the Philippines ILO personnel spoke to Ronnie de Guzman who has been unemployed since birth and had only seen people with jobs on a neighbour’s television set. However, not wishing to appear a total dork, he confided that his cousin knew somebody who had once applied for a job (unsuccessfully).

In the UK the deepening recession is going to hit February hard.
While all other months of the year have 30 and 31 days, for 2009 New Labour’s Minister for Bankruptcy, Alistair Starling, (formerly Minister for Train Crashes) has decided cut the February allowance to a mere 28 days.
The cabinet are hoping that consumer confidence can be restored promptly with a reckless display of credit card spending, so the month of March will get its usual annual allotment of 31 days.

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