Thursday, 8 January 2009

UFO Attacks X-Files Wind Farm

Enthusiasts from the UFO organisation 13th Planet are claiming the massive damage to a Smegmashire wind farm turbine was caused by a mystery alien spacecraft from the planet Nibiru.

One of the 300 foot high turbines at Doggers Clough lost a 66 foot (20m) blade and another was badly damaged late on Saturday night.

Local landowner and Tory councillor for the area Narville de Plonk told reporters from the Wind Farm Weekly News "I'd just come out of the pub after a spot of Xmas cheer and was staggering down the lane towards home, as one does, when I stopped for a quick slash and actually saw a series of white and coloured lights - round, coloured pulsing lights that seemed to be hovering. That was just before I fell arse-over-tit into the ditch."

Ego-tricity, which manages the site for the Ministry of Defence's X-Projects division, said while investigations continued they were not ruling anything out - but the extent of damage was "unique" as the central hub of the turbine was splattered with blood and white feathers. At this time they discounted a deliberate act of sabotage by one of the many anti-wind farm militant groups.

Both the Catholic and Protestant churches have been inundated by hysterical calls from Christian fundamentalists, alarmed by the Ego-tricity "blood and white feathers" announcement, questioning whether one of God's Christmas angels might have flown into the turbine by accident.

The turbine is one of 20 at the Doggers Clough site, which has been only been fully operational since April 2008. A section of one broken blade has been recovered from where it plunged through a neighbouring cottage roof and is being examined by a team of unemployed Polish boilermakers.

Local ufologists meeting in the Doggers Arms public house to discuss the incident over Guinness and meat pies told the media they had received many reports of activity in the area and had teams searching for clues.

One theory is that the flying saucer responsible for the damage may have received orders from its mother ship to fire a proton torpedo at the wind turbine blades as they were upsetting the balance of the Earth Mother's Gaia spirit.
This speculation is apparently backed by a graffiti-style message stating such that was spray-painted across the wind farm gates – written entirely in fluent Klingon – and signed by Wort the Merciless.

Conversely the UFO lunatic fringe group Bonkers is making claims that an alien flying saucer hit the wind turbine due the fact the blades are not fitted with hi-viz reflectors or lights, and once their craft is repaired they will return for revenge.

"It's gonna be just like that new fuckin' movie, "The Day the Earth Went Ape-Shit", when all them radioactive titanium cockroaches get loose and eat every fuckin' thing in sight. Blow yer effin' mind, mate," their chief spokesnut, Vinnie Scrunt, informed a group of amused media hacks from the tabloid gutter press.

On a saner note, police are currently examining the corpse of a wayward thirty foot wing-spanned Kierkegaard's Giant Albatross - discovered by octogenarian pensioner Ms. Candida Muffrot while walking her dogs – in a terminal state of mortal disarray in the nearby Knee Trembler Woods, with the leading edge portion of a wind turbine blade embedded in its skull.

Early assessments by forensic experts reveal the dead seabird may possibly have been involved in the previous night's incident.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic : a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Zionist lobby.

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