Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Prince Edward Demonstrates the Royal Prerogative

The RSPCA has said it’s looking at claims Prince Edward may have struck a pair of beaters with his official scrote whacking stick on the Queen's Sandringham estate in Norfolk over the Christmas holiday period.
The investigation started after complaints following the publication of pictures of Edward, Earl of Wessex, holding his stick over a pair of terrified, screaming peasants.
Buckingham Palace said the prince waved his stick to break up a fight between the two servants who were squabbling over who got to keep a dead vole.

The RSPCA said it had started a fact-finding exercise, not a full inquiry, but spokeswoman Virginia Thrush stressed the complaint would be treated like any other even though His Highness was a Royal Prince, 16th in line to the Throne, and historically-entitled to beat the shit out of bolshie commoners under the ancient decrees of Magna Carta.

Ms.Thrush further told the press "We’ve received a very small number of complaints from members of the public who are concerned by this rather silly story they’ve read in the press and we're dealing with it as we would any other complaint."
When asked exactly how many complaints her office had received she sheepishly admitted “Around six million so far.”

The Royal’s traditional Sandringham New Year’s Eve “shoot anything that moves” party, planned for tomorrow afternoon, is mainly focused on feral game birds now the stocks of wild boar have been depleted to the point of extinction, and a 1927 Act of Parliament banned the nobility’s customary Yuletide “skewer the peasant” hunts.

This current incident involving Edward is a close replay of a Christmas 2005 event of when beaters disturbed a roosting flock of Arctic cassowarys ahead of the shoot. One flew close to Prince Philip, 184, a veteran sadist who gets off on shooting anything that bleeds. The geriatric Prince blasted the bird with both barrells but only succeeded in blowing its legs off.

Edward, who nobody trusted to play with a loaded gun, was picking up dead eagles, hawks and swans for dinner when he noticed the injured cassowary. Unlike the Queen, who carries a small gamekeeper’s claw hammer for dispatching wounded game and wingeing commoners, the Prince used a handy length of 4 x 2.

“The bird was flapping around the moorland as the useless cloth-eared cunt tried to hit it,” said a Royal onlooker who wished to remain anonymous (Gamilla Porker-Balls).
“He appeared to be trying to do the right thing by ending its misery — but it looked rather messy and clumsy. Most definitely a botched job.”
“It eventually decked him and grabbed his bollocks with its beak. That was when the screams started and his bodyguards moved in and double-tapped the poor creature. It really was an absolute Chinese fire drill. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”

Not that the Royal Family are strangers to scandals concerning their blood sports pastimes.
Prince Phillip was pilloried in the press in 2007 for being a party to a barbaric hunting event where an aardvark was ritually rogered with a cucumber then bludgeoned to death with ceremonial Masonic golf clubs.

Prince Ranga, the Royal Cuckoo, was questioned by police and the RSPCA in October 2007 on suspicion of going on a shooting spree with AK47 assault rifles with ex-school chum Spotty de Villiers and snuffing several breeding pairs of hen harriers, a protected and endangered species.
However, charges against the ginger minga were dropped after the police officer handling the case turned up with his pelvis nailed to the Plodshop door.

Prince Edward acquired his love of bloodshed while attending the Gordonstoun Academy for Sado-Masocism, in northern Scotland, where he was appointed Head Puff in his last term.
Known by the sobriquet Foggy as he was so thick and wet, and a bit of an all-round wanker, Edward went on to study at Cambridge where he earned the nickname Brown Windsor as he adored taking it up the botty.

He miraculously graduated from St. Sodoms College with a third class degree in Arts, only the fourth member of the Royal family to achieve this distinction due their incessant interbreeding and swimming at the shallow end of the gene pool, resulting in them being a bunch of thickies.

After turning down the job of King of Estonia, a position offered in 1994 by the leaders of Estonia’s now defunct loopy Royalist Party, Edward assumed the title Earl of Wessex. (just try finding that on your satnav)

In June 1999 Edward married the Welsh Princess Sophie Rhys-Slapper, who set a Guinness world record for screaming during the labour and delivery of their tenth child, and went on to achieve public fame by using her Royal connections to influence her personal business dealings, becoming known in Fleet Street as “that grasping twat Sophie.”

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