Saturday, 13 December 2008

Barclay Sisters to Quit Sark

Risking the perils of breaking their customary Trappist code of silence and avoiding publicity like the plague, the senile multi-zillionaire Barclay twins, Doris and Noris, are rumoured to be closing down all business investments on the tiny Channel Island of Sark.
This appears to be the latest display of their renown spoiled brat exhibitions of huff and pique over not getting their own way, which has previously earned them the moniker of the ‘Terrible Tantrum Twins’.

Sark recently held its first election since the dawn of time, due the Barclay’s self-serving political and legal manoeuvrings, to shrug off its peculiar feudal rule status.
The tantrum twins had positioned and backed several candidates to ensure their Pro-Reform party took power and seized control of the island’s government, so they could overturn the no-cars law and declare their neighbouring island of Brecqhou finally independent of Sark’s laws and legislative oversight.
However, the island’s ‘establishment’ obviously saw through their self-interest scheme and the public vote firmly rejected their candidates.

If the Barclay sisters do withdraw business investment and support from Sark then the possibility of massive unemployment must be seriously considered as 25% of the island’s sixteen residents, including two stray dogs, work for Barclay interests.

The Barclays, the eldest of thirty children, whose parents died of exhaustion when the twins were twelve, were Siamese twins, born conjoined at the wallet and separated by a Harley Street saddler at three months of age, with the wallet being successfully divided between them.

After studying Oriental Legerdemain at the prestigious Uri Geller Institute for Advanced Spoon-Bending they laid the foundation stones to their massive fortune with the invention of the left-handed corkscrew and a patent for camouflage wallpaper before going on to own several newspapers including the disgraced Hollinger tycoon Conrad Black’s national daily, The Smegmadale Shitraker.

The reclusive tax-exile twins celebrated their 125th birthdays last week at their palatial mock-Gothic Brecqhou Island care home (Alzheimer Towers ) where they revel in scandalous opulence, indulging in such hedonistic delights as indoor nuclear tests, vibrating commodes, hot and cold running Filipina chambermaids in every room, and solar powered stair lifts.

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