Monday, 8 December 2008

Centenarians Top UK Workforce

Phyllis Scrunge, a Smegmadale great-grandmother, celebrated her 100th birthday today by receiving a telegram from the Queen then going out and doing an eight hour coal heaving shift.
Mrs. Scrunge, who has buried five husbands (two while still breathing) told the BBC “It’s the exercise that keeps me fit, luggin’ hundredweight bags of nutty slack down coalholes. Then I go for a few pints of bitter down the pub, just to keep me bowels regular like. I used to sup the Guinness but it plays merry bleedin’ hell with me piles these days.”

Wilf Crunt, the only surviving licensed polecat straightener left in Shropshire, who passed the 108 mark last July, still puts in three days a week and spends every spare hour of his leisure time on the golf course, usually knocking out two sets of eighteen holes every Saturday.
“It’s th’ arthritis got to me ‘ands a coupla years back, but I can still get a fair grip on a ferret or polecat to get th’ kinks outa it. Me grasp of a golf club ain’t too bad either.”
Quizzed by reporters as to the secret of his longevity and good health he opined “I puts it down to givin’ up smokin’ when I were 85 an’ ‘avin’ a quick wank in th’ bath every night. Keeps me prostate active.”

Charlie Scrotum, a former Skidmark-on-Sea mole stamper until well into his 90’s, will reach 110 years of age on New Year’s Day. “Always a good excuse to get doubly-pissed,” he joked with press reporters. “I ‘ad ter give up the mole stampin’ cos I were gettin’ tunnel vision, but I got a job down at the local garden centre as a wheelbarrow mechanic. That keeps me busy seven days a week. I need the overtime, yer see, ter fund me bad habits – goin’ out clubbin’ every weekend an’ payin’ fer sexy escorts. I still like the young pussy, yer see.”

Charlie had a parting word of advice for the press and today’s youth : “If all you buggers want ter stay fit an’ healthy like, then eat a bucket of stewed rhubarb a day. It keeps my old tadger up, I can tell yer.”

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