Tuesday, 2 December 2008

Mars Rover Discovers Railway Sleeper

A leaked photograph from NASA’s ROV Mars Rover camera shows what appears to be a lump of shaped timber lying in a dried river course running parallel to the planet’s controversial Cydonia Mensae region, famous for it’s giant Sphinx-like face, Inca City and abandoned sawmills.

Rupert Sequoia, resident Alien Arbouralist with the Forestry Commission, and winner of last year’s Eurovision Clog Juggling Contest, told the media “This is definitely a section of shaped or machined wood that had drifted down the river and been left high and dry. We know wood grows on trees, so obviously Mars once had forests.”

Ms. Hazel Beech, chief analyst for Aerial Interpretations, opined to reporters “By referencing the Mars Rover’s arm for size comparison we can determine the distance to the timber artefact and its overall size.”
“At 2:6 metres it matches the dimensions of the railway sleepers or ties we use here on Earth to mount railroad lines, so hence we consider it a relic of the vanished Trans-Martian Railroad which once served the Cydonia region.”

However Astro-Archaeologist Professor Miles Offcourse ventured that the timber relic is tapered towards one end, proving it is a vertical plank from the enclosure that once bordered the Inca City. “Just wait ‘til they find the rest of the fence, then we’ll see who’s laughing,” he fired at giggling reporters.

With both conspiracy theorists and religious fundamentalist maniacs climbing on the speculation bandwagon, the entire issue went from positively daft to outrageously idiotic in one fell swoop.

Southern Baptist Brimstone and Fire preacher Victor McSodom claims the relic is part of the true cross, whereupon Lord Jesus was crucified, and was left on Mars as proof of his Divinity when he ascended to Heaven.

The Rev. Jeremiah Clunt, a pastor of the Church of Latter Day Morons, advised reporters the Angel Moroni told Joseph Smith that Noah’s Ark was transported to Mars by the hand of God during the Great Deluge and once its remains were discovered (like now) they would portend the End of Days and the Second Coming.

Wilberforce Bonkers, publisher of Conspiracy Weekly and the Paranoia Review, employing his usual mix of yeast and fish logic, claims to have seen top secret documents smuggled out of the Grey alien base under Dulce Mountain in New Mexico, written in an archaic Reptilian hieroglyph script.
These purportedly tell of the original Saint Nicholas being taken aloft by the prophet Enoch and landed on Mars. “So, it’s obvious what the relic is,” Bonkers related to Sky One’s Idiot Channel, “It’s part of Santa’s sleigh, one of the runners. Either that or a whoppin’ Cadbury’s flake for a massive 99’er.”
Going into totally silly mode, Bonkers further ventured “It might even be the Captain’s ‘LOG’ from Star Trek, the one that got jettisoned into deep space.
Could be part of a Martian tree house or a lump off the last Irish Mars space probe,” was his final wild, blabbering speculation before he spontaneously combusted.

Bridgit von Forkbender, spokeslut for NASA (Never A Straight Answer) gave reporters an arrogant one finger salute and announced “We already know what it is: a giant Mars Bar.”

Thought for the day, in memory of our late editor: If a tree falls on Mars, does the Pope hear it?

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