Wednesday, 17 December 2008

MP Censured for 999 Boiler Call

A London MP has been called a ‘dizzy twat’ for dialling 999 after hearing strange noises from her GCH boiler.
Hornsey and Wood Green Lib’ Dem’ MP Dimples Featherbrain called emergency fire crews as something mechanical went violently squirly inside her boiler causing it to spark, shake, rock n’ roll and make typical broken boiler noises.

But Bwian Gobbshite, Conservative chairman of London's fire authority and a close neighbour, said she wasted fire service time and should have called a plumber.

Miss Featherbrain said she feared the boiler was going to explode and cause massive devastation across the city.
The boiler in the basement of her home in Highgate, north London, recently purchased from a Belgravia car boot sale and installed by Polack Pete’s Plumbing Services, developed a fault at around 22:00 GMT in the incident last Saturday night.
"The floor was shaking, the Christmas tree fell over, the cat shit itself and the noise was so loud it could be heard in Hyde Park," Miss Featherbrain told BBC Radio London 94.9. “I was terrified too and pissed me knickers.”

She fled the house with her two Albanian male escort companions and called emergency services on her cellphone from a safe distance away.
"You don't run out into the street at that time of night in the freezing cold dressed only in leather bondage harmess, a peephole bra’, and a pony-tailed buttplug stuck out of your bum for frivolous reasons."

Firefighters arrived on the scene promptly and fixed the noisy boiler with several blows from a sledge hammer. Fire Officer Bert Lugnuts informed attending reporters “The noisy bloody thing were fucked anyways-an’ it’s definitely fucked now. It’s what is technically known as bolloxed.”

However, Fire Authority chairtwat Bwian Gobbshite criticised her actions, saying there could have been a serious incident elsewhere, such as a cat stuck up a tree, and it was a waste of time and money.

He described her actions as typical Lib’ Dem’ hysterics, and the after-effects of the White Lightning and meth’s Breezers she was seen quaffing in the local Pissed as a Newt pub earlier that evening.

"This was not a triple nine emergency. If your boiler is making a noise you switch it off. I think MPs, especially Liberal Democrats, should be setting a better example by taking night school courses in hands-on plumbing repairs and get a CORGI certificate."

Miss Featherbrain, who had a restraining order issued against Gobbshite last year for stalking offences, responded by saying she would do the same again if her replacement boiler went into self-destruct mode, and Mr. Gobbshite could kiss her big white botty: Not!

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