Rhubarbie Declares “Zimbabwe is Mine!”

Deranged African dictator Robert Rhubarbie celebrated his 138th birthday anniversary this week at Harare's prestigious McDinga's chew and spew burger outlet, declaring to press reporters that "Zimbabwe is mine, Lord Carrington and David Owen done gave it to me," and rejected calls from ANC leaders to step down as he has proven himself to be less than useless as a political leader, and a bit of an all-round wanker in most other departments of human endeavour.

The politically-confused Marxist-Fascist- Moaist Pancake Tuesday Adventist despot told delegates of his ruling Zanu-Bonkers PF party at the ostentatious birthday bash "I will never, never, never, never surrender,” adding profound emphasis to the last ‘never’ bit.

Mr Rhubarbie added he had sent a letter to the country's main opposition leader in Botswana, Morgan Unpronounceablename, inviting him to be sworn in as prime minister.
“However, it is not my fault if de letter is not delivered because de second class postage stamp has done gone and fallen off.”

However Mr Unpronounceablename told reporters he would pull out of power-sharing talks unless abductions of his supporters stopped as he was fed up of having to visit the mortuary every morning to identify them.
He said more than 4000 members of his Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) were missing and accused Rhubarbie’s Zanu-Bonkers PF party of orchestrating a campaign of terror.

Rhubarbie’s Gestapo chief, Rastus Mongrel (a hardened custard addict) challenged the veracity of this statement on Radio Harare’s Psychopath Hour “Dey am not missing at all. He done sure know where dey all is: buried in de shallow graves at de Harare landfill.”

Zimbabwe, which currently tops the UN’s Third World basket case list, is gripped by economic collapse and a cholera epidemic. The UN on Thursday reported that the death toll from the disease had risen to 1,123 and that 20,896 infected people had been issued on the spot fines for shitting in the street by the regime’s community genocide officers.

UK Assistant Secretary for Neo-Colonial Basket Case Affairs, Jendayi P. Dorkpuller, meanwhile told the press “Mr. Rhubarbie is as much use as tits on a bull and needs to step down. Half the country’s population are crapping themselves to death due the current epidemic and there’s no food on the supermarket shelves to feed them. In fact there’s no supermarket shelves either, as they’ve all been eaten weeks ago. So, cholera aside, you have a nasty case of : If you don’t eat you don’t shit, and if you don’t shit you die.”