Thursday, 25 December 2008

Queen’s Xmas Speech Broadcast from Slum Tenement

The Queen and other members of the Royal Parasites are spending their Christmas holidays at a slum tenement squat in Liverpool’s dilapidated Kensington district as a change from their normal festive season retreat to their plush Sandringham estate in Norfolk.
This is being done as a gesture of magnanimous goodwill and to display their ability to rough it along with the rest of the recession-hit British public.

The family arrived for an early morning sausage and bacon barm’ breakfast at a Kensington Salvation Army soup kitchen and Christmas car boot where they participated in prayers and a shared roll-up with other less fortunate members of society.

Princes William and Harry, clad in their best charity shop hoodies and Doc Martins, joined local yobs for an informal football match at Newsham Park on Christmas Eve, enjoying a few spliffs and meths breezers before moving on to vandalise the neighbourhood.

The Queen traditionally delivers her address from Buckingham Palace's music room, where she stands in front of a grand piano that displays family photographs, with a large Christmas tree in the background.
This year she posed, legs astride, clad in wellies, a hi-viz donkey jacket and beanie, outside an Onslow Road slum terrace with the windows boarded up, leaning on a burned out Vauxhall Astra, smoking a roll-up.

Her Majesty’s Christmas Day speech voiced concern over the economic downturn and deepening recession, and the financial turmoil it may bring to the Royal coffers if the British public don’t get their fingers out and work harder.
The Queen, in an unusual candid aside, went on to say: "People are touched by events which have their roots far across the world, such as the price of bananas in the Philippines or if Somali pirates also celebrate Christmas."
"Whether it’s the fucked-up state of the global economy or violence in a distant land, the effects can be keenly felt here at home as this shit-house Labour government have been the cause of it all."

During the broadcast the Queen mentioned the recent 60th birthday of her eldest son, Charles, the Prince of Wales, and speculated she would have to remain enthroned as head of state and forego retirement as “Charles is such a cloth-eared clot, good for talking to the house plants and not much else.”

Prince Philip, interviewed by reporters while scrounging through dustbins on Prescott Road for worthwhile cigarette ends, expressed a personal opinion that this wasn’t exactly the Kensington he knew, and found Europe’s Capital of Culture 2008 to be a “mingin’ shithole.”

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