Tuesday, 19 August 2008

UK to Withdraw Several Troops from Iraq

Defence Fuhrer John RentaNazi Reid plans big pull-out
“British troops will begin arriving home from Iraq next week,” Defence Secretary John Yobgob Reid announced to reporters as he entered Parliament on Tuesday.
When asked if this was in response to widespread public opposition to Britain’s role in the Iraq war, Reid replied “ Actually no…….the new Iraqi government want us to start burying them back here and not cluttering the place up with military cemeteries.”
“Further, we need to get the lads back before they fall over with that nasty Gulf War Syndrome thing. It’s bad enough having them arrive back here in bits, stuffed into body bags, full of bullet holes and shrapnel wounds; never mind limping onto the runway with depleted uranium poisoning, coughing and spewing in front of the press, and making personal injury compensation claims against the government.”

Public opposition to the Iraqi war besides, attention was focused on the opinions of the deployed troops themselves again this week when a Fallujah-based 22nd Special Air Service trooper handed in his notice and walked back to London carrying a burned out souvenir Bradley fighting vehicle on his back.

SAS trooper Arthur Roughcunt told The Rockall Times war correspondent Dennis Whizbang “It was pure ’ell out there…the bloody Yanks are outa control……shootin’ every bastard fing that moves……..themselves an’ us included….and makin’ a lot of bad jokes like ‘Ow do yer like yer Iraqis :
Sunni side up ?’.”
“It’s not wot I signed up for……shootin’ wimmin an’ kids an’ dressin’ up in a sheet wiv a red gingham tea towel over me ‘ead an’ plantin’ bombs outside of mosques, makin’ out like I’m an Arab an’ mumblin’ Insh’Alla wiv a Manchester accent.”
“It’s all bloody daft and gone tits up matey.”

Trooper Roughcunt is currently being held in military custody while charges are concocted against him by MI6 for breaches of the Official Secrets Act and not playing the game according to the established rules of English cricket.

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