Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Rockall not Volcanic in Origin shock

Our sacred isle is a heap of fish and bird shi*te
Rockall, the magical North Atlantic island beloved by shipping weather forecast addicts the world over, was today astounded by new scientific evidence that its geological origins were not formed from volcanic granite quartz rock erupted from the seabed but rather monolithic layers of fossilized fish and bird shi*t laid down over hundreds of millions of years.

Test core samplings for the foundation study of the proposed Rockall International Convention Centre were recently sent for analysis at South Uist’s prestigious University of Geological Sciences.

“It was quite a revelation,” Dr. Angus McTwat, the University’s senior crapologist, informed the Rockall Times. “We subjected the deep core samples to spectroscopic analysis and discovered they consisted of fossilized coelacanth excrement from the late Silurian period.
The prehistoric fish had presumably been attracted by a thermal vent in the ocean floor and turned the area into a pelagic communal toilet, as fish are apt to do. In paraphyletic terminology it’s what is known as a shi*ttery.”

“Following the Mesozoic period layers we found the deposits consisted entirely of haddock shi*t to a height of five meters above the present mean tide mark, so obviously the ocean level dropped significantly eons ago and Rockall became the roost and communal shi*ttery for flocks of seabirds.”
“Analysis of the upper strata geology of the island reveals it’s composed of an exotic blend of compacted fulmar, gannet and guillemot shi*t, right up to the peak of Periwinkle Point.”

“Shock and bloody awe,” were the first words from Vince, landlord of the island’s Fighting Dog and Pikey pub, upon hearing the news. “We’ve all reckoned for years that Rockall’s a pile of shi*te but this takes the literal biscuit.”

Proposals to now change the island’s name to Shi*tall will be added to the agenda of articles to be debated in March at the next public council meeting.
Venue : Rockall Community Centre, Lamprey Gardens.

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