Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Scribblers Cash in on Da Vinci Code

Religious mystery mania hits bookstores
A deluge of Da Vinci Code money-grasping spin-offs is due to hit the bookshops prior to the 19 May release of the movie adaptation of Dan Brown's bestseller, starring Tom Wanks.

The most controversial, written by Lancashire window cleaner Bert Crudhead and titled “Judas Iscariot : In His Own Words”, claims that Jesus was actually grassed up to the Sanhedrin and Romans by Slimy Simon the Canaanite, an apostle with an attitude problem.
The book further alleges Jesus survived a mock crucifixion and established Holy Trinity Hardware, a flatpack furniture factory, in Damascus with common law partner Mary Magdalene, whom Judas describes as “the best sha*g in Tiberias.”
Crudhead, founder of the Skelmersdale Iconoclasts Club, asserts the divine couple and their six children later moved to Srinigar, India, attracted by the temperate uplands climate and low house prices.
It was here, he claims, the holy family became heavily invested in old rope and eventually converted to Buddhism.

Vatican scholars are incensed that this current copycat stream of religious mystery writers are ignoring the New Testament record and digging into the secrets of non-canonical scriptures, such as the Apocrypha, the Gnostic Gospels and the Daily Sport, for chronicles of Jesus’ life, or any viable proof
of his actual existence; with some authors even professing the entire Jesus legend is a myth and Roman Catholicism the longest running confidence trick ever pulled.

To counter this trend, German ex-Hitler Youth thug Joseph Rat-flinger, the 265th pontiff and current Pope Benedict XVI, has instructed Catholic scribes
to publish selected extracts from the Vatican archives’ secret Galilee Weekly Gazette scrolls which purportedly contain eye-witness reports of the Messiah’s miraculous rise to popular acclaim right up to his being nailed aloft on two large pieces of wood at Calvary.

Papal spokesman Cardinal Torquemada, affectionately known around Vatican City as the Hammer of the Heretics, informed The Rockall Times religious correspondent Muriel McVicar that the work in progress, aptly titled
“The Jesus Diaries”, will prove conclusively that Christ died on the cross, was never married nor fathered any offspring, and did not own a flatpack furniture
shop in Syria.
“I speak for the Holy See, the guardians of the Christian faith, so know you’ll trust us on this one,” added Torquemada with a shifty wink, before being whisked off to attend the ritual bonfire burning of a Dangerous Dan Brown effigy in St. Peter’s Square.

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