Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Rockall Happy Slappers Gang Convicted

Sea bird beatings draw heavy sentences
Cheers erupted from the public gallery of Rockall’s weekly assize court yesterday as the Margrave of Rockall passed sentence on a gang of teenage asbos for their cowardly happy slapping attacks on the Promenades’ pet cormorant and puffin populations.

The gang of chavs and chavettes were weekend trippers from the neighbouring Darwin Mounds Scranger Industrial Estate, visiting Rockall to take advantage of the island’s relaxed drinking laws where anyone over the age of ten can consume alcohol, or aged six if accompanied by an adult.

Following a sea front boozing session the inebriated teenagers ran amok on the Promenade, happy slapping and kicking several defenceless cormorants and puffins, and seriously terrifying a roosting guillemot.

The entire violent episode was recorded by CCTV cameras outside the Promenade’s McDonald’s Chew and Spew restaurant, with gang members taking photos and videos of the attacks with their blue tooth cellphones and transmitting
the brutal events to the mainland UK’s happy slapping headquarters in Skelmersdale.

Ms. Yvonne Gorgon, a stylist at the Medusa Hair Salon, witnessed the attacks and gave evidence against the gang in court. The Rockall Times assizes reporter
heard Ms. Gorgon tell the court the attacks were initially started by Shantelle McSlagrat, leader of the chavettes faction, easily recognizable by her Croydon facelift hairstyle and the bling manhole covers hanging from her ears.

Summing up the case, the Rt. Hon. Desmond Shirtlifter, Margrave of Rockall,
castigated the violent attacks as despicable and sentenced each gang member to be pilloried and given thirty lashes with a smoked conger eel, followed by fourteen days confinement in the island’s maximum security guano pit.

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