Mr. Welung Tuwat, a Feng Shui consultant, told The Daily Squib’s Far East correspondent, Charlie Pong, “I get sentenced to six weeks in jail for non-payment of a parking fine. Business not good, no money, cannot pay fine, so nice vacation in jail, all okay la’. One night the egg flied rice taste kinda funny, maybe drugged, then fall asleep and next morning I wake up in the prison hospital and my bollocks are missing. The guy who share my cell, he wake up with one kidney gone and his gold teeth removed.”
Regardless of demand exceeding supply, the scandal deepens darkly when considering Chinese courts are now imposing capital punishment sentences for what were, until recently, considered common and minor civil offences. These range from duck buggery or defecating in a public place to female infanticide / baby fly-tipping without a permit and the possession of U2 CDs and / or Bono posters.
Rumours of Chinese Olympic athletes being targeted for organ transplant harvesting if they fail to win gold medals became rife after the Chinese Freestyle Hopscotch supremo Two-Step Pling was found dumped in an Olympic Village wheelie bin missing all his internal organs and feared dead.
Pling, who had been hopping up to 50 kilometers a day during training and living on a strict diet of unleaded green tea and decaffeinated tofu, was
beaten in the Freestyle Hopscotch final heats the previous day by International Hopscotch Grand Master Garry Sodoff of Patagonia.
Olympic commentator Harry Slagrat opined that Sodoff’s win over Pling might
be accounted for by the fact Pling was wearing rubber flip-flops while Sodoff
was clad in a pair of Nike Springheel Jumpers.
China’s organ transplant business, both legal and illegal, has seen the rise
of a burgeoning cottage industry dealing in transplant surgery.
Mr. Wang Gang-bang, a former rickshaw mechanic, took a crash six-week NVQ 1government training course in organ transplant surgery at the prestigious Beijing Morticians Institute before establishing Happy Wang’s Transplant Clinic, run out of his garden shed in downtown Shanghai.
Wang told The Daily Squib’s’ Charlie Pong, “I gets lotsa people here every week…..from America an’ Europe…anywhere they got lotsa money and need new organ. My wife keep all our donor organs in the big chest freezer with the dogmeat and fish…all very fresh.”
“Sometime we buy organs from India an’ Pakistan…they like to sell the odd kidney or two for cash…can live with one, see…..then they have money to buy job in Iraq….dialysis very cheap in India….so sometimes sell both kidneys and send wife to Iraq as housemaid instead.”
“Next month gonna start transgender surgery here too…have new shed…..much bigger one…….order from Ikea in Beijing….give you my card
if you wanna try sex change maybe. Turn you into real Western-style slapper…..big boobs…tight pussy……the lot.”
However, the scandal gets worse, with reports that even state hospitals are now illegally removing healthy organs from living patients.
Mr. Tiger Poontang, a Falun Gong counsellor from Wanking Province, checked into Nanjing’s Sun Yee On Medical Clinic recently for routine surgery to remedy an ingrowing foreskin problem. Awaking from the anaesthesia following the operation, he complained of pains in his abdomen and right side.
The attending physician, Dr. Know Fuc*kall, pronounced that several meters of Mr. Poontang’s lower colon, and his gall bladder, had been removed, along with his entire penis.
Police investigating the incident stated the hospital files showed no record of Mr. Poontang being admitted to the hospital.
Chief Inspector Shifty ‘Big Ears’ Tong opined to the media that the excisions may well have been the work of medical students performing a sick fraternity initiation stunt and not carried out by Nanjing’s infamous Triad transplant organ snatch gang.