Tuesday, 19 August 2008

Deputy PM Prescott Hospitalised with Wrecked Rectum

Deputy Prime Minister John 'Two Shags' Prescott was rushed to hospital yesterday after suffering a massive fart attack during a heated Parliamentary debate.

Doctors at Paddington Bear MRSA Health Care Trust declared Prescott to be in a stable condition after undergoing surgery to repair a ruptured anal sphincter and replace five meters of prolapsed lower colon dangling from his rectum.

Resident proctologist Dr. Harold Turdprodder informed media reporters “Mr. Prescott’s digestive system’s as muddled as his syntax and housing policies. We discovered during surgery that he’s actually a ruminant, possessing four stomachs. Partially digested cud from his lunchtime silage salad fermented and generated copious amounts of gas which caused an anal eruption of Biblical proportions.”

Parliamentary press secretary Sir Gwyned Le Twit told The Rockall Times “John just keeled over and vented a tremendous burst of flatulence which blasted the seat out of his trousers and left the front bench covered in diarrhoea and intestines. It was a very messy follow-through, but such is the price of gluttony.”

Prescott earned the Pythonesque moniker of Parliament’s own Mr. Creosote after bragging at a New Labour sleaze party banquet he could “eat two more taters than a pig”, a boast he lived up to by guzzling a firkin of pickled herrings and two buckets of chocolate mousse as an appetiser.

The Hansard record for the past week’s Parliamentary session show Prescott making twenty-three visits to the lobby pie stall, four urgent calls to the vomitarium and receiving several cautions from the Speaker for eating Pol Pot instant noodles on the front bench.

Labour back bencher Eric Grassintwat, MP for Scun*thorpe East, told reporters “You should ‘ave seen what ‘e ‘ad for ‘is lunch, I was sat at the next table. Two plates of tripe an’ pig’s trotters, a double ‘elpin’ of cow ‘eel puddin’, then a soddin’ great bowl of silage an’ three pints of extra fat yoghourt. It’s no bloody wonder the lardy tosser’s ar*sehole exploded.”

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