Met Plods Arrest Royal Deadbeat

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Met’s Plod Squad boss, Commissioner Hulk Hogan, speaking to gutter press hacks outside Scotland Yard, today confirmed that the Buckingham Palace security contingent had accosted and detained a suspicious individual seen climbing out of the Queen’s bedroom window into the rear gardens with a painting under his arm – who was later identified as her second-eldest son, the career Mr Fix-It lobbyist, Prince Andrew.

The police duty patrol around the gardens has been stepped up in earnest following a burglary last week when thieves broke into the Duke of Edinburgh’s basement hideaway and stole his laptop computer - reputed to contain thousands of child porno’ piccies – along with a personalised ‘hit list’ of individuals fingered for extinction when he’s reincarnated as a deadly virus – and an index of contact numbers for his personal MI6 / 22 SAS ‘Increment’ assassination team.

Arresting officer, PC Jacko McThugg, informed a reporter from the Sunday Shitraker tabloid that “This geezer comes climbing outa Lizzie’s bedroom window wiv a portrait of Herself, QE2, tucked under his arm – the one painted by that Ozzie paedo bloke Rolf wot lets the kiddies play with his didgeridoo down at the BBC studios.”

“Well, as this pauncy git’s got a bit of a real scrote look about him I sez “Wot’s yer got there, pal?’ – an’ he replies “It’s a picture of me Mum I’m gonna take down ter Cash Converters now the artist’s bin arrested. Everything’s in order officer, I’m the Duke of York, so be a good chap an’ piss off.”

“So I sez ‘If you’re the grand old Duke of York where the fuck’s yer 10,000 men then eh, smart arse?’ – an’ he comes back wiv ‘My elder brother Chazzer – the one with the floppy ears - is going to be the next King – so watch your sodding lip’ – an’ I comes right back right quick wiv “Yeah right – an my elder bother’s an old Queen, so fuck you’ – then I pulled out me taser an’ decked the gobby twat.”

This isn’t the first instance that Plod Squad officers or the bungling G4S Renta-Moron security agency goons have accosted an ‘untouchable’ Royal - as per the arrest of the chain-smoking Gorgonzilla, Duchess of Cornhole, in June this year on suspicion of stalking Prince Dobby of Wales and police mistaking her face for a Poundland ugly mask, worn to facilitate a sneak entry to the Royal enclosure at Ascot.

In this latest fubar debacle the porcine ‘Backsheesh Andy’ had earlier attended another of his dodgy business deals at Shites Club on St James Street, lobbying Defence Minister Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond and profit-motivated BAE Systems sales reps to secure a lucrative WMD arms deal for his dodgy despot Mid-East Arab mate, Sheikh Fizzy al-Kaseltzer – an oil-rich zillionaire potentate who owns the hereditary grazing rights to every hotel lobby carpet in the Persian Gulf region and runs his Emirate on a strict no-nonsense Sharia law regime basis – where the penalty for daubing anti-government graffiti is the same for acts of sodomy: death by buggery.

Security has been breached on a number of occasions at Bucks Palace, most famously in 1982 when the back-to-front buttocks-conjoined Siamese twins, Felix and Freddy Fagin sneaked into the Queen's bedroom in the middle of the night on a double dare mission to get a sniff of her knickers.
The startled monarch woke to find the Fagin’s heads thrust under her duvet cover and alerted a troop of Dragoon Guards who promptly disembowelled the pair of intruders with their ceremonial sabres – much to the comestible delight of the attending pack of starving corgis.

Conversely, on this occasion, the Queen and her royal consort Prince Stavros have been at Balmoral Castle in Nonceland since the beginning of August for their annual Satanic sabbatical, torturing and sexually abusing kidnapped children (courtesy of the UK’s graft and corruption-ridden Child Protection Services) and performing ritual blood sacrifices on the castle dungeon’s Black Mass altar as tribute to their omnipotent God of Greed, Mammon - and are not expected to return south of the border before mid-October.

Following a few pints of Old Headbanger lager, PC McThugg elaborated on Prince Andy’s lucky escape from further harm, informing amused press hacks post-event in Westminster’s Felchers Arms pub saloon bar that “Tell yer wot, it’s a good effin’ job that PC Scrotum recognised the tosser an’ he looked nowt like one of them Brazilian electrician terrorist types, cos it would have bin a double tap job by the lot of us an’ no effin’ chance of any apology from yours truly.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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