Austerity Jackboot Tramples UK Homeless

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The credibility-deficient Libservative ‘Austerity First’ coalition government has been urged to get Broken Britain back into building mode as a new report from the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money claims it’s on an equal par with Saharan Africa’s manky Mali and Burkino Faso in tackling the burgeoning national housing crisis.

The ‘Second Housing Report’, published by the bog standard National Housing Federation after Downing Street’s Cabinet ‘Nudge Unit’ inadvertently shredded the ‘First Housing Report’ states that Posh Dave Scameron’s Dog & Pony Show administration is failing on nine out of ten key issues.
These include a toxic combination of the non-availability of houses or flats, overcrowding, homelessness, slashing housing benefit while imposing this reviled second bedroom tax, and ill-affordability of accommodations in the private rented sector – all of which, according to the report, are getting worse at a geometric rate and a direct result of the wilful corruption and devolution of our society by successive governments – an active covert policy conjured, initiated and pursued by New Labour’s PM Tony ‘Miranda’ Bliar and Lord Peter Scandalson of the Felchers – aka Vermin in Ermine – way back in 1997.

The report states for the public record that the 109,020 new homes built in 2012 remain a full 38% below the 2007 peak of 175,560, and less than half the number predicted to be required annually to meet the demand for housing by Third World refugees and the hordes of economic migrants from the EUSSR arriving on the beaches of our once-sceptred isle to work for minimum wages – and hence qualify for housing benefit – along with DWP Minister Ian Duncan Smut’s all-new Universal Tax Credits - and anything else they can cadge and fiddle – while filling in their claim forms in Cyrillic which no fucker in the social services bureaucracy can read nor understand – yet gets granted regardless.

Further attention was drawn to the facts that the combination of escalating rents juxtaposed with the government’s slashing of benefit levels will make housing an impossible proposition for the low / zero income 99%’s family units and contribute directly to the increase in the number of homeless people dossing out in shop doorways - and on canal banks, in country lane hedgerow abandoned bird’s nests - and landfill sites inside cardboard boxes.

However the homelessness charity ‘Evicted’ claims that local authorities have done zilch towards improvements in empty homes and that mortgage and rent arrears due unemployment are responsible for the surge in repossessions and evictions – a phenomenon they blame directly on inaction by the office of Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles, the triple-chinned Communities & Local Government Minister - and incumbent Tory MP for the Essex-based Second Helpings constituency.

Bazzer McScrote, the director of Evicted, informed gutter press media hacks that Ripoff Repossessions, a debt collection agency which represents building societies, banksters and housing associations, have issued teams of bailiffs from the Renta Thug Security Agency with a stream of court orders since January this year to expel by force any and all erring residents occupying properties where either mortgage repayments or rents had fallen into arrears.

“Every day we here at Evicted see families up and down the country that have been kicked out of their homes and whose lives are being torn apart by the shortage of railway viaduct arches, motorway bridge abutments, affordable garden sheds and large weatherproof cardboard boxes. The Second Housing Report serves to illustrate that this Con-Dem Coalition’s efforts in addressing our national housing crisis, with the flatline economy now in triple-trouble dodgy dip recession, amounts to being as much use as tits on a bull.”

“Personally I put it down to the fact that Parliament and the Civil Service are infested with a mix of ponces and nonces, whose only claim to fame is that they went to public school and learned the meanings of pederasty, fellatio and sodomy at an early age – then joined their father’s Freemason’s lodge to practice the secret handshakes and now sit behind a desk all day playing with themselves, shuffling bits of paper around and waiting to collect their guaranteed early retirement pension pot - then take up some other lucrative position in the private sector that they’ve secured though years of political lobbying and generalised ‘influence peddling’.”

“They’re living, illustrative examples to the accuracy of the Hanlon’s Razor, Peter Principle and Flanagan’s Precept adages. These are the type of perv’s who revel in taboo venery and go off for long walks on the moors and come back with a smell of KY Jelly and wet wool about them.”

“They’re the Powers That Be - the 1% ‘Have’s’ of this world and they don’t give a flying fuck about us – the 99% ‘Have Not’s’. In fact the silver spoon Nasty Party Tories in government and the pondscum that comprise the ranks of the Civil Service still maintain the misguided and myopic view of the Victorian aristocracy that the common herd are poor due some congenital moral inadequacy - whereas the true reason lies with themselves and their exaggerated sense of privilege.”

“They are responsible for the purposely corrupt structure and mismanagement of the national fiscal model that’s fucked up our once-dynamic economy– specifically with money-lenders like the Rothshite crime syndicate’s Brussels Bank of International Bailouts – and the rest of the usurious shekel-grasping Shylock banksters – and their fatally-flawed practices of fractional reserve lending and gambling depositors’ funds on future’s markets – such as commodities and dodgy derivatives – and sub-prime loan swaps.”

“Perhaps more than anything, the unemployment and homeless situation is the best indicator of how truly fucked up our sacred Isle of Albion has become… and what a colossal failure the Crapitalist class system experiment has been – thanks to the global financial and political construct which legitimises systemic corruption run by these elitist bottom feeders and pondscum who worship before the altar of Mammon, for whom there is no such thing as ‘Enough’ – only ‘More’.

“Of course, before things go completely tits up Scameron and Co will resort to the same old tactics that bankrupt governments have relied on in the past and what we’re starting to see now with the desperate ‘drowning man’ flailings of Chancellor Jeff Osborne – compulsory leeching of pension funds, capital controls, and financial repression – and yet another round of quantitative easing.”

“Unfortunately the jury’s still out on whether public opinion will be polarised to the extent the long-overdue full peasant’s revolt scenario takes place across Europe and the US, when the proletariat finally ignore the illusion and see the reality. But that’s a bit like trying to shove butter up a porcupine’s arse with a red hot knitting needle when we have a brain-dead apathetic population mesmerised by the crap that’s on the corporate-owned television - the core pillar of a compliant stooge media that props up a graft and corruption-ridden political system – and all controlled by the likes of that lowlife Down-Under dingbat, Raving Rupert Mudrock’s News Corp and the pro-Zionist scum running the Biased Brainwashing Corporation.”

In response to McScrote’s damning diatribe, the ‘multiple personalities’ former Tory Housing Minister Grant ‘Schizo’ Shapp opined to media hacks that progress to get Broken Britain building was being made. “With the support of the PM Scameron my housing formula is taking centre stage in the economic recovery – by getting people out of the pubs and motivated to apply for non-existent jobs and helping homeless people to sign on their local council housing waiting list – well, that’s the idea anyway.”

Thought for the day: Just when everyone thought that local government bureaucracy couldn’t get any more moronic, council and housing association application forms – to be filled in by ‘homeless’ persons – now require a Catch 22 ‘home address’ before they can be considered for processing.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.