Benefit Cheat Penalties: Royals & MPs Exempt

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Below lies a novel definition of hypocrisy: let those possessed with intuitive knowledge and an understanding of the double standards duplicity that blights our successive Westminster governments draw their own logical conclusions from this.

Civil service supremo Sir Dinsdale Figg-Newton, top dog mandarin at the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, assisted by his think tank team of academic beardies and anoraks, have come up with the ultimate in welfare benefit cheating deterrents and yesterday joined the Crown Prosecution Service’s head honcho, Kier Stammerer, at a news conference where gob-smacked gutter press hacks were met with the palpitating shock that from here on in the UK’s career benefit cheats will cop for a ten year diet of nauseating porridge in one of the G4S / Serco mismanaged sodomite paradises - colloquially referred to as Her Majesty’s Prisons - for such rascally misbehaviour as dipping into the public purse under false pretences - and their name duly entered in every Jobcentre and DWP ‘Naughty Book’ across the length and breadth of Broken Britain.

Juxtaposed with this draconian snippet of card sharp legislation, House of Conmans whistleblowers working as deep cover moles for the hated bête noire Ox-Rat snitch and grassers government abuse exposé charity have leaked restricted documents ‘borrowed’ from the Parliamentary Standards Authority offices that reveal MP’s season tickets to ride on the taxpayer-funded Gravy Train Expenses Express are still being abused and flaunted on all manner of Lucullan feasts and materialist splurges.

Figg-Newton, addressing the press in his customary arrogant state of high dudgeon, made no secret concerning personal approval of the Them and Us culture which defines the boundary between the elitist 1% Haves and the 99% Have Nots who are forced to share breathing space on this, our once-sceptred isle of Albion.

“The Treasury coffers are depleted and we’re up to our necks in IMF debt, thanks to unemployed welfare benefit scroungers hobbling around on their silly NHS walking sticks and pretending to limp like real disabled blodgers. These parasites should be out on a self-creative job scheme as they do in Asia and West Africa – rooting around on landfill sites and recycling all kinds of materials they can flog at car boot sales – or weigh in at the scrapyard – or pawn at Cash Converters.”

“Just look at some of these teenage single mothers, sponging benefits for their troops of sprogs and tanning parlour sessions. Why aren’t they out on the city streets, around Slag Alley, or down the local Doggers Wood, flogging their cute jail-bait arses to some moneyed paedophile for £50 quid a knee-trembler shag instead of claiming welfare and child tax credits?”

In response, Ron ‘Bolshie’ McScrote, spokesman for the Taxpayers Alliance, had this to say to media hacks: “Wot the fuck is this tosspot Figg-Newton tryin’ ter do – start a fuckin’ revolution an’ mass uprisin’ of the unemployed non-workin’ class – wot’s now bin reinforced wiv the ranks of the disenfranchised ex-middle class – an’ who’s already had it up ter the back teeth wiv these la-di-da Hurray Henry dog-wanker toffs an’ their exaggerated sense of privilege wot’s derived from the fact they sport a double-barrel name adopted by some inbred mongrel twat wot achieved robber baron status back in the Dark Ages.”

“Fer fuck’s sake, we’re mired in a state of flatline economy stagnation an’ the likes of Figg-Newton an’ Ian Duncan Smith an’ Chancellor ‘Jeff’ Osborne are about as much use as the proverbial arse-end of a pantomime horse.”
“So it’s little wonder we’ve got a shitload of voters e-mailin’ our office ter ask wot the fuck is the point of havin’ a useless deadwood twat like Mick Clogg as the Deputy Prime Minister an’ payin’ the cunt £134,000-odd quid a year when they can get one of them noddin’ Churchill dogs wot sells insurance on the goggle box ter do the same job an’ keep sayin’ “oh yes” fer fuck all. Bollocks, in my opinion they’d be better off wiv a mob of effin’ meerkats runnin’ the cabinet office.”

“These tossers talk about austerity but the papers wot Ox-Rat have just posted on their website prove that the 649 piss-takin’ bottom feedin’ MP’s wot’s infestin’ the House of Conmans are a bunch of shekel-grubbin’ kleptomaniacs an’ still milkin’ the expenses system fer all it’s worth.”
“Just take a look at old Nutty Nadine Dorries, the mad menopausal Nasty Party MP wot woz on ‘I’m a Celebrity - Get Me the Fuck Outa Here!’ down-under in Ozzie an’ flipped out when she had ter give a crocodile a blow job. This bottle blonde-moment slapper has given both her skanger daughters a job at her office in Parliament on salaries wot range between £30,000 an’ £45,000 nicker per annum – so how’s that for a spot of blatant nepotistic corruption, I asks yer?”

“Nutty Nadine’s not on her own either, cos yer got 155 MPs employin’ members of their effin’ families, includin’ five cabinet ministers – an’ that’s the reason the total bill fer MP’s expenses an’ staffin’ costs shot through the fuckin’ roof last year ter a cool £98 million quid.”

“So much fer the Committee on Standards in Public Life wot woz formed ter put the block on these politico scumbags hirin’ relatives after the 2009 expenses expose scandal hit the streets an’ got overruled after an outcry by MPs – namely a pair of dog-wankin’ Tory twats - Christopher Chump an’ Peter Bonehead, wot paid their missus’s £49,999 nicker apiece.”
“Fer Christ’s sake, yer even got the likes of the effin’ Justice Secretary, Chrissy Graything payin’ his graspin’ slag of a spouse £40,000 nicker fer stirrin’ his coffee, sharpening pencils and staplin’ sheets of A4 together.”

“Then we have the transport ministry hard at it wiv both Stevie Hammond an’ Paddy McLoughlin employin’ their wives at £40,000-odd quid salaries – ter say nowt of Andy Miller, the Labour MP for Ellesmere Port, hirin’ both his missus an’ her cousin, Julie – plus Labour’s ginger-mingin Meggy ‘Piranha Teeth’ Munn employin’’ her own shit-fer-brains hubby an’ her sister-in-law.”
“An’ if yer want ter see real hard-faced graspin, yer got Laurie Robertson, yet another Tory MP, wot hired his estranged missus Susie an’ the current bedtime shag Anne Marie Sluttsky. Nowt like a tax-payer funded ménage et trios, now is there, eh?”
“An’ that’s just the effin’ House of Conmans gang, so fer fuck’s sake don’t get me started on Queen Bizzy Lizzie an’ Virus Man Stavros an' Prince Dobby an' the rest of the shape-shiftin' Royal Family 'divine right ter rule' parasites we got squattin’ in Buck Palace an’ castles an’ mansions around the UK.

Thought for the day. Perhaps Sir Dinsdale Figg-Newton and his crew of civil service brainiacs might embrace a radical solution to solving Broken Britain’s youth unemployment and yobster anti-social behaviour problems by convincing Posh Dave Scameron’s Tories to adopt the controversial, yet tried and tested, ‘multi-cultural’ Joseph Kony press gang military scheme for pre-teen hoodlums – and ship the lot out to Syria to reinforce the ranks of the Free Syrian Army rebels.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.