30th anniversary celebrations for The Prince’s Trust, HRH Prince Charles,
and sons Wills and Hairy, will demean their Royal dignity to a fresh low in being interviewed by the oafish Geordie double-act, Ant and Dec.
While most readers of The Rockall Times are vaguely familiar with members of the Royal family, many have e-mailed the news desk asking “Ant and Dec…what the fuc*k are they?”
So, for the edification of readers, a concise bio’.
The Tyneside-sprouted pair first came together at a Newcastle unemployment centre where Ant, an apprentice tortoise polisher, and Dec, a skateboard mechanic, had staff in fits of raucous laughter with their reasons for claiming jobseekers allowance.
Recounted staff member Ms. Candida Twatrot, “They were so funny we were all pissin’ ourselves. Eventually the supervisor said they should be on television and gave them ITV’s address and phone number.”
After a couple of screen tests and a make-over the pair emerged with hair styles like microwaved porcupines and a slot on prime TV’s children’s drama
series Bikers Grove, in which they played the squirrels Mump and Slut.
Next came Pop Idol, which proved a partial success regardless of critics lambasting the pair as dog wankers and as funny as chemotherapy.
Their big break, Saturday Night Takeaway Spewup, eventually had to be pulled after viewers committed suicide while watching the broadcasts.
But popular success was assured when the pair hosted Reality TV’s “I’m a Celebrity, Shoot Me Quick and Put the Viewers Out of Their Misery !”
The programme featured has-been celebrities subjected to all kinds of asinine torments, usually naked, in the Tyneside Outback, which delighted the viewing public’s perverted sense of solid family entertainment.
One favourite spot in the series was the Bushtucker segment where each contestant had to stick their heads into a bucket of festering pheasant shi*t to retrieve their lunch, specifically a pickled pigeon’s prostate, all the while being heckled and cajoled by Ant and Dec, and poked with sharp sticks.
Staff at The Rockall Times offer sincere condolences to Their Royal Highnesses that someone of a more acknowledged academic or political background, such as Sir David Frost or David Dimbleby, or even Andrew Bat Ears Marr, are not available to conduct The Prince’s Trust Anniversary interview.