As Food Bank Britain now faces a crippling oil and gas energy crisis and burgeoning fuel / heating costs – all thanks to Bad Vlad Putrid invading the Ukraine – (or so we are expected to believe) - some bright spark in our Tory Nasty Party government has commissioned the British Geological Survey to advise on the latest scientific evidence regarding the efficacy – and safety - of fracking.
This comes after growing pressure from backbench Tory MPs with ‘conflicting’ personal investment £££ interests to overturn the ban on fracking, which has been in place since the negative 2019 incident when Cuadrilla’s Lancashire Preston New Road fracking site’s operations caused a seismic disturbance of 6.5 on the Richter scale, that sent the iconic seafront Blackpool Tower into ultra-wobble mode, and resulted in scores of viewing platform tourists shitting proverbial kittens.
Thus, the Tory ‘Let’s Party’ cabinet ministers are now considering all possible alternative domestic energy sources – including carbon-unfriendly peat from bonny Nonceland, firewood, and dried methane-rich cow dung – to fuel and warm the UK’s zillions of insulation-deficient homes.
Eager to watch his back and avoid being accused of brown-nose lobbying for his Cuadrilla pals, Energy Secretary, Kwasi Warthog opined to one gutter press lackey from the Hack & Burn Gazette: “Regardless of the fact Cuadrilla CEO Roy Franklin and I belong to the same Masonic Lodge, or I have shares in the AJ Lucas / Kerogen Investments parent company, my department have always been, and always will be, guided by the shaky science regarding shale gas extraction.”
“While fracking in England might take years of exploration and development – along with earthquakes and contaminated groundwater supplies - before commercial quantities of gas can be produced to keep Granny and the kids warm in Winter, there is the argument that fracking can provide for the ongoing demand of oil and gas - since Moscow have cut Britain’s supplies off due us imposing economic sanctions on them – and supplying the Ukraine with all manner of nasty high tech’ weaponry - to kill Russian troops.”
Conversely, the London School of Economics senior environmental auditor, Dumbledork McMoron, doesn't believe fracking would be the best way to drive down the crisis.
Speaking exclusively to Extinction Weekly, McMoron opined “The idea we should use fracking as a solution to the energy crisis is an effin’ joke. We need to accept the cheapest energy plan to bring down consumer bills in the UK requires a two-point strategy.”
“One, forget all about global warming and climate change for a couple of years while we invest in getting Broken Britain’s homes fully insulated – and two, radically reduce the cost of household energy bills for the working – and unemployed – common herd demographic to an ‘almost affordable’ amount - by taking cold showers and wearing thick socks, a sweater, and gloves around the house.”
So, are the government and Kwasi Warthog gonna be guided by the British Geological Survey’s ‘science’ estimates report – or the likes of Cuadrilla’s clout around Worstminster and the House of Conmans – and the mega-bucks profits linked to the inevitable political donations, and corruption-riddled kickback payoffs?
Fer fuck’s sake, regardless of how many shale oil / gas holes they drill n frack, or earthquakes they trigger; or zillions of decalitres of groundwater reserves they poison with the ultra-toxic radioactive shite they pump down hydraulically to split the Earth’s geology, the natural gas production is never gonna come close to what is required for nationwide daily consumption – boiling Granny’s kettle - nor will the cost ever be at pennies in the £-pound.
Cuadrilla & Co’s associated ‘for profit’ environmental pillagers don’t give a flying fuck about climate change, or green energy, or saving the planet – and are singularly turned on by company share price increases, and the prospect of mega-bucks production bonuses.
Do you live in one of Cuadrilla’s drilling zone areas? Have you had all your family memorabilia bric-a-brac tumble off the mantlepiece due an inundation of fracking-related earthquakes?
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a whole Winter’s supply of firewood ‘and’ two bags of prime anthracite steam coal.
A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and address, so Insulate Britain activists can call round and lob bricks through your front window.
Carbon Credits Cap & Trade Offset Exchange (aka Global Warming / Climate Change Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration / allergy warning. For Woke readers and Extinction rebellion activists suffering from HSS (Hypersensitive Snowflake Syndrome) – there is no known EpiPen medication remedy for adverse reactions to the 'politically incorrect' – aka the Truth.
This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane unorthodox irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour and caffeine-boosted public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references, 5G electrosmog radiation, and a chemtrail residue of genetically-modified nano-particle bush telegraph innuendo.
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