Trafford Council Launch Social Distancing Gestapo Squad
Bureaucrat flunkies step up
Plod Squad patrols to harass and fine people who dare flout social distancing
rules
safer.communities@trafford.gov.uk.
The UK's North-West Metropolitan
Trafford Council's Chief Compliance Officer, Jack Groaker, informed one gutter
press hack from the Dystopian Review that with Spring weather improving and the
Easter bank holiday approaching, the council were concerned that a 'minority'
of critical thinkers and anarchist type 'virus scufflaws' might be hell bent on defying the
government’s 'stay at home' 'crash the economy' distraction scam.
Groaker called for Trafford
residents to rat on any and all instances of social distancing guidelines not being
observed, such as their neighbours chatting over the garden fence - or groups
having a bit of a gossipy get-together in public spaces - by calling the Snitch
& Grassers hotline on 0161 912 3434 or emailing the safer.communities@trafford.gov.uk.
"It's no excuse when
people claim they have a problem gauging a safe social distance - so I advise
they buy a two metre yardstick and carry that around with them – and not the Aussie 1:5 meter 'short measure' version. One with a
sharp, pointed end - so if any bugger starts getting up close and personal when they're stuck waiting in a Greedy Grocer supermarket queue for a couple of hours,
they can give them a swift 'get back'
poke in the ribs."
"In serious cases,
where the community may be put at risk, our old Council Tax Collection paramilitary crew - now rebranded as the Social Distance Squad - will have the powers to issue Go
Home community protection notices and impose spot fines – and in blatant
disregard cases – arrest the offender under the revised 'one-stop' statutes of the Mental
Health Act."
Further draconian measures
include Council spies, equipped with binoculars, cameras and drones infesting
the byways of the borough to keep a beady eye on people frequenting Trafford's parks
and open spaces, ensuring they abide by the new regulations:
1) Only go outside for personal
health and safety reasons – if the house is on fire.
2) Limit outdoor exercise to
the back garden - and stay two metres away from neighbourhood cats
3) Do not speak
with radical agitators promoting mandatory Covid-19 virus toxic nano-chip vaccination conspiracy theories online or outside your own home - the Trafford Thought Police will be watching - and listening.
Cllr Ron 'Stasi' McScrote,
Executive Member for Public Safety Governance and Reform, told media hacks:
“The social distancing rule is there to be obeyed - so it's best the dumb
public comply with our orders and do as they're told – or else our patrols will
be on their arse double quick with a tape measure – and how are the silly twats
going to pay the fines if they have no job? Then it will be prison."
Classified ad's: 'Stay Safe'
2 metre long 'social distancing' yardsticks for sale - £35 each inc VAT.
Contact Trafford Council. Free p/p
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