Celeb vs Asbo Schools: Pros & Cons

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The excrement has hit the proverbial fan, eliciting a storm of indignant outrage from the peasant classes following the Toronto Film Festival screening of The Riot Club - a booze, drugs and sodomic / paedo sex-filled parody aimed at UK PM Posh Dave Scameron's Tory Party 'Zillionaire's Club' cabinet and their halcyon salad days as students at Oxford's prestigious Scumbag College and members of the notorious Bullingdon Vandals Club whose sole aim was to get pissed and smash up the property of those contemptible useless-eater common herd - reviled in the film as 'poor people'.

The character of Oggy van Oick (great-grandson of the notorious Ottoman-Turkish dignitary Kamal Attaboy bin Oick - aka 'The Buggering Bey') is a direct parody of thatch-haired London Mayor and serial adulterer, Bonkers Boris Nonsense; with his inbred blue blood vulgarian chum, the train fare dodging future Tory Chancellor, Georgie Bunglebutt, (Osborne) blowing (literally) a king's ransom on top grade Peruvian snorting coke while attending a disciple session at Mistress Cruella's Spank-a-Rama Dungeons in Chelsea's prestigious Max Mosley Gardens - while the Posh Dave Scameron character, Rupert 'Man Tits' Armitage-Shanks, cops a painful rite of passage 'forced' initiation to the college's Felchers Club when a trio of amphetamine-boosted gerbils get bunged up his sissy rectum.

While certain educational institutions around the globe might boast extraordinary clusters of the distinguished great and divinely good amongst their former pupils, others, such as Barky Hussein O’Barmy’s Jakarta-based ‘Cheesy Crust School for Latter Day Cuckoos’ – or Tony Bliar’s ‘Durham Chorister School for Venal Gits - and Twatts Nonce College, Edinburgh – end up with the dubious distinction of being saddled (or cursed) with ‘nigga in de woodpile’ impostors – or inveterate liars cum psychopathic money-grubbing war criminals – on their honour rolls.

Simply take a butcher’s at your old school's Wicked-Pedia page, which usually hosts a section listing notable past pupils. Some will be household names – knob-headed celeb' media presenters, corrupt politicians, Masonic paedophiles posing as law-abiding Scottish sheriffs and Dr 'Happy Harold' Shipman-style NHS psycho serial killers – plus a diverse assortment of other such bottom-feeding society shitbags.

If you can't locate such an alumni section it may well be due the reason no-one from your school ever amounted to fuck all or became rich or shameless – or that your class wasn't in one of these celebrity school catchment areas that cost a couple of £££ zillion quid in term fees.

Cambridge, for instance, while founded in 1209, is still, much to their chagrin, reluctantly bestowed with the cape of notoriety for churning out shirt-lifting treasonable brown hatters, career alcoholics and Soviet spies – of the ilk of Maclean, Burgess and Philby – plus another of Queen Lizzie's royally-adorned fudging pederast perv's - Anthony Kunt - and barely graced with the one dubiously redeeming fact they also nurtured sculptor Antony Gormless, creator of the iconic Angel Cake of the North.

Whereas in contrast Gordonstoun, Eton, Charterhouse and Rugby are cursed with infamy for their track record of turning future kings into plant whispering head cases - and hosting embryonic poufters of the effeminate brand, along with kiddie fiddling paedophiles - most of whom turn out to be famous alumni – alike Posh Dave Scameron – the 19th British prime minister to attend Eton, and one lucky enough to waddle out of there with his sphincter stretched, but still intact – or Gordonstoun’s uxoricidal Prince Chazzer and his nasty piece of work Greek Nazi sociopath father, His Royal Rudeness, Prince Stavros of Edinburgh.

Other pupils from the edifices of learning that dot our once green and pleasant land might be unknown to the telly-addicted public, but are still at the zenith of their fields, such as Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the Tory Minister for Duck Islands & Moat Dredging; or prominent scientists who create weapons of mass distraction like the handy-sized micro-nukes used in a Mossad false flag terrorist attack to devastate Bali's Sari Club and kick start the Aussies into war mode - plus not overlooking HAARP scalar warfare armaments - the source of 90% of earthquakes, tsunamis - and souped up hurricanes steered to the desired maximum calamity areas - New Orleans / the Philippines' Visayas etc et al.

And let's not overlook the incompetent banksters who cause economic chaos on a global scale - and dodgy diplomats that get us into any old illegal foreign conflict going, simply to appease their Rothshite crime syndicate Zionist Chabad masters and cop a promise of a lucrative private corporation directorship down the road.

At the bottom end of the social scale, London’s Scumborough Hamlets Asbo Comprehensive also boasts a mixed set of famous students – including the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Millipede and his Sulk-a-Thon brother David - plus three members of the Yardie hip-hop group Cocoa Spliffs - and former Tory MP, Jacko McScrote, recently sentenced to 12 months imprisonment for fiddling his Parliamentary expenses.
Premier League soccer players Biffo McSnott and Bazzer ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher are also former students, as is actor Candida Mingerot, who plays barmaid Bev Titwank in the BBC soap, Bellenders.

Over on the other side of the nation’s capital is St Sodom’s School for Latter Day Catamites. Nicknamed St Sod’s, the north London Catholic boys' school gained the veneer of Guiness World Records paedophile infamy title in 2009 over St Bede's College, Manchester, when head teacher Fr Cornhole McTadger was sentenced to 15 years hard labour on Dartmoor’s Marmite bogs after being found guilty of rupturing the sphincters of the entire Year 7 leapfrog team.

Regardless of being smeared with this negative notoriety, the school has positively produced Ron Scrunt, the England and Slagheap Dynamos mid-field soccer star – Minjeeter Cameltoe, the chart-topping dyke lead singer from the Dog Wankers girly band - along with 16-year old mother of three Fellattia van der Gamm, a runner up in the 2005 X-Factor contest with her hilarious 'tit-wank' act - plus former Jimmy Choo-Choo fashion model Shabby Ackrobatti, now human rights and wrongs activist-director of Kunt-Watch – along with the first black UKIP MP for Old Scrotum - Mr Wormhole Jaffacake Esq – who gained a NVQ 1 diploma in Welfare Benefit Fraud at age 15.

Speaking to one gutter press hack from the Daily Shitraker outside his north London Golly's End two bedroom terrace, Mr Jaffacake put his worldly success down to ‘pushy parents’ and having ‘lots of reading matter around the house’, explaining “Dat’s cos me Dad was on Jobseeker’s like, so he used ter go down the effin’ library every day an’ rip off mobs of books fer me ter read – an’ tell me if I didn’t do me effin’ homework before I went out nickin' cars an' joyridin’ then he’d kick me fuckin’ teeth in – an’ dat’s wot kids need today ter succeed in life – more effin’ discipline.”

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area and whilst purposely blending slanderous comments and unbridled conjecture with wild rumour and hard facts, may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.