US and UK to Disband Military Forces

In a shock and awe statement to the press this morning President Brush, accompanied at the podium by UK Sub-Prime Minister Gordon Brown, declared that the two countries had mutually agreed to disband their respective military forces forthwith.

Citing the reasons for their actions Brown explained that due the current credit crunch and galloping recession, the US and UK could no longer afford to maintain their military machines and fight multiple wars on a global battlefront.

“It’s so much cheaper now to turn the entire thing over to privatised military contractors and let them get on with it”, Brown told the media.
“They simply invoice us at the end of every month for the costs of whatever war they’ve started and we meet those charges with a rise in fuel, booze and tobacco duties”.
“Obviously we’ll hold an annual oversight audit to make sure they keep their activities centred around the Third World, so none of the contractors get carried away and invade somewhere entirely inappropriate, like Switzerland or the Vatican state, solely as an excuse for a spot of remunerative pillaging and looting.”

With the doors of free market enterprise for RentaWar now being thrown open to all and sundry, the major established private military contractors (PMC’s) such as Aegis, Sandline and Blackwanker Security, who have in the past made a killing (sic) from their participation in the joint US/UK illegal wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, and elsewhere, will now face tough opposition when tendering bids for the next upcoming conflicts as various UK High Street retail giants plan to climb on the bandwagon.

The PMC’s experienced military intelligence operatives have, to date, possessed the requisite knowledge to second guess where and when Mossad’s zionist loonies were likely to pull another 9/11 or 7/7 stint, or detonate one more Bali-style micro-nuke to kick start their next false flag operation with a bang major and force-feed the desired conflagration, such as the hoped-for invasion of Iran or possibly World War III. With that prior knowledge they had a permanent pre-emptive foot under the lid of Pandora’s box.

Now, however, they must face a home front of stiff, albeit amateur, competition, all vying for their fair share of the blood and guts market. Ratsco Extra and Dinglebury’s today launched a joint recruitment campaign, signing up every Tom, Dick and Harry, or Harriet, who had read an Andy McNob or Chris Ryan novel, as mercenary troops for their newly-formed Wars-R-Us retail military agency.

Barry Headbanger, a former Mothercare bouncer, now the official spokesman for Ratsco Extra’s ‘War’ division, told reporters “It’s a huge potential world-wide market for conflicts and we want our share of the blood spilling. Anybody signing up for a tour of overseas active service at one of our branches this morning automatically earns a thousand points on their in-store loyalty card and gets a free hi-viz stab jacket.”

General Sir Digby Fernsworth-Twat, Commander of the Allied Forces / Afghanistan, speaking on conditions of anonymity in Bellend Province, was interviewed today by Lenny Crunt, of Body Bags Weekly Review, concerning this morning’s official announcement.
“What a splendid all-round strategy. Now the Taliban can form their own PMC agency and sign up to fight each other. We can arrange a turn-key basis contract with them so they only get paid on their body counts. That should provide an incentive for shooting each other, what ho”.