Barbed Wire Banned After Thief Scratched

Gardeners at Smegmadale’s Sunnysideup Allotments have been ordered by the local authorities to remove the barbed wire capping fences around their respective lots due a teenage vegetable thief filing a personal injury claim against the district council after scratching his arm while stealing a cucumber.

Vince Scrunt, a fifteen-year-old schoolboy studying for a GCSE in Advanced Vandalism at Smegmadale’s Asbo Central High, told reporters “Look at me fuckin’ arm like, a bleedin’ big scratch right down the side an’ through the middle of me nude Jade Goody tattoo. All I wanted woz a cucumber to give me bitch one wiv as I ‘ad a spot of brewer’s droop after the fifteen pints of Stella I’d supped.”

“Anyways, we woz up at the back of the allotments ‘avin’ a good old grope in the dark like and the bitch is all ‘ot an’ juicy an’ beggin’ me for it an’ I can’t get me cock up, so I tells ‘er I’m gonna ‘ave a slash an’ goes an’ reaches over the fence to grab a bleedin’ cucumber to give ‘er one wiv as she’s ‘alf pissed an’ wouldn’t know the difference. Anyways I grabs the thingy like an’ scratches me arm on the effin’ barbed wire these gardenin’ twats ‘ave put up round the veggies.”

“It’s not effin’ on, I woz at the bleedin’ A & E ‘alf the friggin’ night getting’ an elastoplast for it, fuckin’ blood everywhere, all down the front of me best Amy Shitehouse t-shirt. Me solicitor reckons I might be psychologically traumatised too, wotever the fuck that means.”

However, Jarvis Cobbledork, a former cormorant plucker and spokesman for the allotment gardeners, told the media “It’s utter madness, these young hoodie thugs come scrounging and sneaking around here at nights stealing our veggies and the tools out of our sheds and the council is saying we can’t safeguard our property?”

Smegmadale’s Sunnysideup Allotments gained fame last year when they were featured on the BBC’s Gardener’s World as a prize-winning source of organic produce such as octane-boosted cabbage, decaffeinated broccoli, unleaded onions, CPF-free carrots and their unique hybrid Smegmadale dwarf coconuts.

Smegmadale police investigating the ‘scratching incident’ yesterday confiscated a M60 machine gun and a grenade launcher from the gardening shed of allotment owner Wilf Alzheimer, a retired donkeystone vendor, and further cautioned pensioner Des Wankworth over the dangers of breeding razorback piranhas and Siamese farting fish in the moat around his vegetable patch.

Police forensics officers are currently studying blood and tissue samples taken from the bamboo punji spears lining the bottoms of several fall traps dug in the allotment’s pathways. The partially decomposed bodies of an undisclosed number of shell-suit clad chavs were recovered from the site’s communal compost heap and taken to Smegmadale’s Millennium Mortuary to determine the causes of death.

Inspector Harry Minge informed the media that a report will be passed to the Director of Public Prosecutions following the allotment’s impounded dried blood and bone meal fertiliser stocks testing positive for traces of both human and Neanderthal DNA.