Ringo Too Busy for Autographs

Former Beatle Ringo Starr (real name Harris Stilton) will no longer sign memorabilia for fans and has declared he intends to throw away all fan mail received in the future.

Starr, who shares a birthday with Paddington Bear and is 168 today, stated in a celebratory video message on his website:
"Don’t send any more effin’ fan mail cos I’m bleedin’ sick of the shit. An’ as for autographs, nowt’s gettin’ signed after the 13th of October. If that’s the date on the envelope then it's gonna get tossed in the shitcan.
I'm warnin’ yer wiv peace and love, bruvvers, I’ve got too much to do lookin’ after me nose and these effin’ ‘emorrhoids.

Dressed like a Sicilian undertaker, in black clothes and dark glasses, Starr said it was "a serious message to everybody watching". He added: "No more fan mail and no objects to be signed. Nuffin’, Nada, Nowt, an’ fuck the lot of yers”.

Starr, who released his latest album ‘Liverpool Sucks’ in January, recently completed a tour of the outer planets in our solar system.
The Scouse-born musician currently divides his time between Los Alamos, Calcutta, the Outer Hebrides and living in a cardboard box in Surrey.

In April a 20 foot-high foliage sculpture of Starr’s head, grown on the forecourt of Lime Street train station in Liverpool, was de-beaked by vandals and the base sprayed with the slogan “Trunky’s a Fuckin’ Traitor”.

The rhino-featured performer had reportedly angered Scouse diehards when he disclosed on BBC One’s ‘Friday Night with Jonathan Tosspot’ show that he missed nothing about the shithole of a city where he was born and raised, then fatally commented on live television, “Liverpool : European City of Culture 2008 ? Wot utter bollocks!"

Starr, who started out on the road to fame and riches as a toucan impersonator at the Liverpool Bird Park, came from a poor family whose parents struggled to afford to drag their children up.
Their Toxteth neighbourhood was so poverty-stricken that if anyone paid the rent twice in a month the police came round to investigate where they’d got the money from.

Ringo’s younger sisters, Bingo and Dingo, recalled their brother never attended school but occasionally played with children who did.
“’e wuz allright, our Ringo, like. Always practicin’ ‘is drummin’ like an’ makin’ a fuckin’ noise,” Bingo informed Radio Scouseland. “’e couldn’t afford any drums like so ‘e used to go round Toxteth beatin’ the shit outa the dustbins wiv ‘is nose an’ a couple of chair legs.”

In response to this, Ms. Candida Twatrot, chairthingie of the Ringo Starr Fan Club, told reporters “We consider it a disgrace he has adopted this selfish attitude. His faithful followers, who have spent good money filling his pockets over the years for a return of crap albums, are now to be denied the occasional autographed get well note or a photo."
"Surely he can assign one of his bodyguard lackeys or some slapper from his stable of bitches to process the fan mail even if his haemorrhoids are playing him up. Bloody celebrities! I hope he chokes on his own arrogance”.