Extremist Headbangers to be Barred from UK

Tougher measures to prevent extremists entering the UK are to be announced by Home Secretary Jacqui ‘Stabvest’ Smith as soon as they can dust the cobwebs off some semi-comatose senior civil service Mandarin and get him to cough up a few novel ideas that might withstand legal and constitutional scrutiny.

These will be designed to stop people, including so-called ‘preachers of hate’, stirring up tensions and kick-starting unscheduled riots or World War Two and a half, or an even worse cluster-fuck of Biblical proportions on the shores of Britain’s sacred green and pleasant lands.

Ms. Smith stated to the media that the right to come to Britain was a ‘privilege’ which should not be abused, and it was up to the individual concerned to prove they were loyal to the country by voting Labour and making a large donation to the party coffers.

There have been 230 people barred from entering the UK since 2005, but their identities have been revealed only when they started publicly whingeing about being excluded from a share of Britain’s social security cornucopia.

The 230 previously blocked have included neo-Nazis, Pancake Tuesday Adventists, Flat Earthers, the Minsk-based Basil Brush Holocaust Deniers Fan Club, Iranian football hooligans, Albanian swan-roasters, Mossad terrorist hi-fivers and hamster rights activists.
About 80 of them have been religious extremists who arrived at Heathrow Airport doused in gasoline and already smouldering.

The radical Muslim cleric Homer Bakri Mohammed al-Simpson was eventually banned from the UK after MI6 revealed evidence of his alleged involvement in the attempted Gunpowder Plot of 1605 to blow up the House of Parliament with co-conspirator Mohammed Guy al-Fawkes.

The then Home Secretary Charles ‘Porky’ Clarke used existing powers to exclude Mr. Mohammed as his unwashed presence and galloping halitosis were defined by Scotland Yard as "a potential biological health hazard".

Mohammed, known to friends as Mo’, was forced to fold his tent and duly deported from the UK in 2005, along with Sheikh Rashid al-Nastygit, for being what Immigration Judge Fletcher McTwat diplomatically termed ‘a pair of all-round nasty shit-stirring cunts’.

Patrick Mercer MP and Inayacht Bungusyerwallet say the proposals are another ‘gimmick’ to target anyone who goes against the British norm and stirs up anti-social behaviour by advocating violent methods to change society, which historically seemed to have worked perfectly well on domestic levels in both France and Russia.

Miss. Inayacht Bungusyerwallet is the Media Secretary for the MCB, not to be confused with Defra’s innovative Mole Counting Bureau, but the prestigious Muslim Council of Britain, whose primary purpose isn’t to determine how much Muslims pay in council tax but promote pro-Islamic propaganda.

Sir Darlston Snobbets, MP (Lab) for Dithering, introduced the ‘Barring Bill’ in Parliament earlier this month with the main intent of targeting Middle Eastern Islamic radicals coming to the UK to preach hatred and subversion to young Moslems in the madrasas.

However, opinion from the Conservative benches suggests that Snobbets, a former UK ambassador to Saudi Arabia, may have a personal axe to grind in filing this bill due his innovative Porkies Inc. hi-tech pig farming venture, based in Mecca, going tits-up bankrupt last year.

The BNP’s official news rag ‘The Xenophobe Weekly’, supported the Home Secretary’s announcement enthusiastically. BNP spokesthug Basil Bottomfeeder, a Luton-based tomcat scratcher, told the media “We’re ‘opin’ dis new law is gonna keep all de real dodgy one-eyed ‘ate-mongerin’ gits from der Middle East from comin’ ‘ere an’ preachin’ – er – ‘ate n stuff”.

Currently the number one target on the new Home Office / Immigration Top Ten shit list of ‘extremists’ is Sheikh Mohammed al Mohel, an unemployed Saudi Arabian foreskin trimmer, who has been classed by Smegmadale Community Service Officers as the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ, guilty of preaching nasty chat hate sermons in the town’s fish and chip shops.

Sheikh al-Mohel, who can trace his family bloodline back to the time of the Prophet, and holds hereditary grazing rights to every hotel lobby carpet in the Middle East, has been touring Islamic teaching centres, chippies and kebab chew n spew joints around the UK, flanked by his personal bodyguard of black-robed Tonton Macoutes.

Arrested by immigration agents at weekend, Sheikh al-Mohel is currently being detained in the high security bike shed behind Smegmadale Police Station due the Archer-Aitken Memorial Prison being full of very dodgy ex-politicians.