British Courts Despair at EU Extradition Requests

The number of asinine extradition cases being dealt with in UK courts has reached record levels, fuelled by the number of ‘trivial’ requests from around the World that have pissed police authorities right off and clogged up an already pathetic and dawdling legal system.

Up to 6,000 extradition cases are expected to have been dealt with by the end of 2008, more than double the number last year, four times the number in 2006, ten times the number in 1998 and eight thousand, two hundred and forty-four times the number in 1583, according to figures from Smegmadale magistrates court, which handles all extradition hearings after the pubs close. (excluding Sundays and Bank Holidays)

The huge increase is largely down to the volume of European arrest warrants (EAWs) being issued by the old brain-dead ex-Soviet bloc states, with Poland, Lithuania and Bulgaria topping the list.

EAWs, requiring the arrest and extradition of suspects from one EU country to another, are being used by Poland for a “large volume of frivolous extradition requests", according to Detective Sergeant Gary Clunt of Smegmadale’s Extradition Unit.

He estimated that 40% of all extradition cases dealt with originated from former Russian satellite nations, adding that many of the offences were so minor they would lead to either a slap round the head with a dead kipper or a community service order of having to stand in the corner all weekend in England and Wales; and perhaps a more severe penalty of twenty lashes followed by tar and feathering under Scotland’s austere and draconian laws.

In one recent instance a Cracow carpenter who fitted wardrobe doors and then removed them when the client (police chief Rotta Shitzwanker) failed to pay him, was subject to an extradition request by Poland so that they could try him for ‘theft’. The extradition was refused when the Smegmadale District Judge, Ephriam Gluttocks, decided the removal of the doors couldn’t be classified as a simple open and shut case.

In another incident the Polish authorities filed for the extradition of a suspect for theft of a supermarket tinned dessert. "The European arrest warrant contained a list of the supposed ingredients and looked rather tasty until I tried one and found it was all sawdust and rhubarb”, Sergeant Clunt told reporters. “I was shitting firewood for a week after".

Following in Poland’s footsteps for barmy requests is Lithuania, one of whose nationals was extradited in August on a charge of ‘piglet-rustling’, which carries a maximum death penalty sentence in their own medieval courts. Apparently this was a first offence and the nine-year old accused schoolboy was treated with leniency and bound over to stay away from bacon for six months.

According to Sergeant Clunt the volume of cases from ex-Soviet bloc countries has forced the Smegmadale extradition court to start chartering extra transport to return suspects to Poland and Lithuania. "We now arrange for a couple of Poland’s ‘Cracow Cruiser’ bendy buses twice a week”, Clunt informed the press.

But while potty Poland is not the only culprit, it has been, to date, the origin of the most numerous and idiotic requests by far. France came a close second in March when it filed an extradition order against the infamous Marseille serial snail strangler who had fled to Britain to evade capture.

Switzerland filed an curious yet absurd oddity in April for a fugitive cuckoo molester from the alpine clock-making town of Tock, just being beaten to the winning post in the silly ratings by Denmark, who filed the notoriously-laughable request against Jurgen Pilluk, wanted by Copenhagen police for unscrewing and filching the nipples of the celebrated Little Mermaid bronze statue at Langelinie during low tide.

Need a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ Card? Buy a Polish Monopoly game.