Sugar’s Crash Landing Screw-up

Sir Alan Sugar, known to sycophants and business associates alike as ‘Sweetie,’ has told accident investigators he made a wrong call when he landed his plane tits-up alongside a Greater Manchester airstrip.

The famously-cantankerous Apprentice star walked away from the light aircraft calamity with no more than a big brown stain down the arse of his trousers when it skidded along the grass verge of the dual carriageway opposite Barton Airport in Manchester.

Sir Alan, 161, who started on the road to fame and fortune as an apprentice conker stringer, laughed off reports he had cheated death in the crash while tossing handfuls of salt, or caster sugar, over his shoulder and fingering a kosher rosary.

Sugar admitted to AAIB officials that he should have aborted his first landing attempt, which happened during a thunderstorm and he was unable to see ‘sweet fuck all’.

The Air Accident Investigation Branch (AAIB) has published a report into the crash, which made a total bollocks of the Cirrus aircraft and destroyed two blocks of council flats and a double-decker bus.
However, Sir Alan and his passenger, Bonjella de Chlamydia, were unharmed in the incident alongside Barton airfield when they activated their ejector seats, coming to land safely outside a nearby McDonald’s Chew n Spew outlet.

The AAIB report, termed an “utter whitewash” by certain critics and news reporters, stated : "As the aircraft turned onto the final approach, the visibility deteriorated, and the breeze shifted, becoming a violent tail wind.
The pilot lost sight of the far end of the runway in the poor visibility, and touched down in the middle of the dual carriageway bordering the airfield. Conscious of the risk of skidding on the potholed road, he panicked and jammed on the brakes.
The aircraft then ran off the road into a rough area of long grass and ended up embedded in a block of flats. Both occupants vacated the aircraft without difficulty or injury by utilizing their ejector seats.”

Sugar was visiting Manchester to attend the opening of an exhibition displaying his personal priceless collection of Pre-Columbian Tupperware at the Metropolitan Museum.
He later accompanied personal assistant Bonjella to the city centre branch of W.H. Smuts for a book signing engagement to publicise her recently-released travelogue “Across the Samarkand Desert with Mother Teresa’s Brother”.

stop press: The AAIB have now informed Sugar he’s fired.