Reputed gangster and organised crime boss Arthur J. Pewty, a shop worn and rather threadbare former Monty Python sketch character (1969: series 1 / Episode 2) was today found dead at his Neasden flat in Norman Wisdom Tower Village. Yes dead, really dead, at long fucking last.
Police forensics officers investigating the death are not ruling out fowl play as it appears he was beaten to death with a blood-stained rubber chicken that was rammed up his rectum post mortem : beak first.
Rumours abound that Pewty was targeted for a gangland hit in retaliation for encroaching on the Smegmadale Cartel’s drug turf.
However, police intelligence sources claim the murder bears the classic trademark of a serial killer known to stalk online satire news sites, bumping off resurrected fictional comedy characters who are long past their sell-by dates and keep popping up on front pages when they should be gathering dust in the archives.
Police detectives are studying CCTV footage, recorded in the hours prior to Pewty’s death, showing someone dressed in a suit of medieval armour and carrying a rubber chicken over his shoulder, entering the deceased’s block of flats.
Pewty’s next door neighbour, Alice Slagrat, told reporters he wasn’t a happy man and had been receiving medical treatment for depression since Deidre, his long-term spouse, cuckolded him and took off for a new life in South Ossetia with their iffy marriage guidance counsellor, Eric Idletwat.
“’e woz pinin’ for somethin’, but I’m fucked if I knows wot. The fiords maybe, or just ‘avin’ Deirdre back so ‘e could double-tap ‘er”.
Neasden Community Service officer Wilton Minge informed the press “Hopefully that’s the last we’ve seen, or heard, of the annoying little twat on The Spoof’s front page, or elsewhere, unless he pulls a fuckin’ Lazarus and pops up again in a Celebrity Diary section”.
Patrons of the local Fighting Dog and Pikey pub remember Pewty for his hilarious Michael Palin impersonations, dressed in a grubby off-white flasher’s mack’, trying to sell a dead parrot to the landlord, Elsie Kray, and singing songs about a popular brand of luncheon meat.
Funeral to be held at Neaden sewerage works, Wednesday 10:30am. No flowers.
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