Gordon Brown is expected to complete his ministerial reshuffle later, with New Labour’s notorious Scandal Kid, Peter (watch yer arses) Mandelson, returning to the cabinet as head of the Ministry of Corruption, which is to be relocated to the Millennium Dome.
Obviously Labour are now so far up shitcreek without a paddle they’ve passed scraping the bottom of the barrel and are now scooping out the crap from underneath it.
So, The Prince of Darkness, described by many as a champagne socialist, is out of the Brussels Buggery Club and back in Westminster. Good going for a politician who’s been fired more times than a gunslinger’s pistol.
Sir Dilbert Dorking, Conservative MP for Dorking-on-the-Wold, remembers Mandelson from his schooldays, where he gained a reputation for hanging around the toilets and cheating at conkers.
Sir Dilbert reflected on a few choice Hellboy anecdotes for the media reporters. “Later, when he got into Parliament, he used to wander around the Lower House leaving slime trails like a snail and anyone who shook his hand always counted their fingers after. So, as it’s third time lucky for ducky, maybe, I have no doubts he’ll be dancing a jig, or perhaps, more aptly, a Gay Gordon.”
“Joking aside, having Hellboy back in the Cabinet is a super plus for we Tories. Mandelson can’t help fucking up everything he touches, just like the useless Brown and Darling are doing, hence we’re a dead cert’ bet to win the next election. He’s bound to pull another Robinson loan or Hinduja passport stunt before too long”
Renown throughout government for his unqualified arrogance and allowing ego to surpass intellect, Mandelson is a past master in the arts of self-delusion and deceit who couldn’t tell the truth if he didn’t have a lie ready.
However, PM Gordon Brown told the media he needed "serious people for serious times" and it was in the "national interest" to bring in Mandelson, even if he is a prize twat, because of his past experience in foul play and political back-stabbing.
Brown said he wanted to "reinvent government" to cope with the major fuck-ups Labour had caused with the housing market, financial instability, oil and food price rises, and running illegal wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"Mandy’s built up a reputation over the last few years as someone who knows where most of the skeletons are buried or which wardrobes they’re rattling in, so he can twist a few arms and get shit done. He might have earned a reputation under Tony for being the Doctor of Spin n Sin but New Labour needs his disreputable talents right now.”
Former cabinet clot David (what scandal?) Blunkett, who holds the actual New Labour record for being fired from government office, described Mandelson’s appointment as a farsighted move. “Even a blind old git like me can see where Gordon’s going with this, can’t we Sadie.”
Denise Scrunter, Chief Dogwanker for the Liberal Democrats, opined to reporters "Resurrecting a slimy shitbag like Mandelson from the political graveyard is not going to breathe new life into Gordon Brown's zombie government."
Other key dildos and dunces in the political graveyard reshuffle include Geoff ‘the Loon’ Hoon, who has taken over from Ruth Kelly as Minister for Ferrets, with Nick Brown returning to the cabinet as Chief Flagellator.
Two of the Miliband triplets, Eddie and Freddie, have been exiled to the back benches for being a pair of back-stabbing pricks, with the Ministry of Climate Fuck-ups going to Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling now the Treasury has been bought by India’s famously corrupt Hinduja sisters.
Maggie Beckett takes over Carol Flint’s affordable housing portfolio as Minister of Tents and Bivouacs, with Ms. Flint leaving government to pursue a career as a pole dancer.
Lord Levy will regain his Blairite post as Chief Bagman, with Keith Vaz taking up the reins at the Ministry of Backhanders and former Home Secretary David Blunkett being assigned the newly-created Ministry of Small Dogs.
To close with an optimistic note, bookmakers William Hill are already offering odds of 100/1 on Mandelson resigning or being fired again before the next election.
Allergy warning : this article was written in Machiavellian Font 12 and may contain traces of conspiracy and intrigue.
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