In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Membership of the dystopian EUSSR is starting to cost Britain dearly and not only in terms of gross financial waste through the kleptocracy’s inherent graft and corruption. Now the Eurocrats are pressing to enforce chilling new 'Big Brother' surveillance and investigation powers on the UK’s population.
While scattered gaggles of like-minded individuals, driven by the founding principles of Magna Carta and moral conscience, are intent on protecting Britain's civil liberties and preserving the already-fragile integrity of our criminal justice system, the enemy without – Brussels – is dead set on subjecting British citizens to chilling new EUSSR Kafkaesque laws wherein their (foreign) officials can travel to the UK and immediately assume the powers of our own Plod Squads.
These Stasi Gruppenfuhrers would be able to order undercover-spying missions, demand DNA and even pursue people for crimes which are not recognised in UK law - such as criticising government officials, heresy, scrumping, failing to fit a cupboard door and ‘stealing the cherry off the top of a cream dessert’ (ref The State vs Mr Oleg Fuckwitsky – Cracow 2008)
The EUSSR’s Brussels-based head of Interplod, Commissioner Kelly la Bonk, informed a reporter from the Autocrats Gazette “These new powers are known as European Investigation Orders (EIO) and are intended as a partner to our European Arrest Warrant (EAW).”
One point worth focusing on is the fact that the member countries demanding the new powers on behalf of the EUSSR include ex-Eastern Bloc Soviet states Poland, Bulgaria, Estonia and Slovenia – and Germany – which thrived on Fascist rule itself from 1933 to 1945 – with all of the above being renown for their miscarriages of justice and civil liberties abuses.
A decision on signing up for – or opting out of – the EIO will be taken by Parliament in the next two weeks - with Fair Trials International - the human rights (and wrongs) charity - leading demands for Britain to tell Brussels to ‘stick it’ as we already have enough problems with our Social Services Mafia jobsworths who abuse the power of their bureaucratic positions to play out their addiction of imposing their perverse will on others.
Fair Trials International has warned of its grave concerns about the proposal as such would afford foreign Plod Squads the legal right to carry out the ‘real time’ interception of communications, monitor a person’s bank account , demand bodily samples, DNA or fingerprints from a person in another EUSSR state.
Hmmm, so the Posh Dave Cameron / Mick Clogg Libservative government are ready to axe 60,000 Plod Squad jobs in an effort to offset Gordon Broon’s accumulated debt package from 13 years of Labour misrule while the Lib-Dum side of the dodgy coalition maintains its manifesto policy to 'Keep Britain part of international crime-fighting measures such as the European Arrest Warrant, European Police Office, Eurojust, and the European Criminal Records Information System - while ensuring high standards of justice' (with 60,000 less plods).
Thus signing up for the EIO warrants European police to order whatever British plods remain after the job slashing cull, to embark on wild-goose chases to investigate and prosecute suspects who might be guilty of committing a crime that isn’t recognised as a civil nor criminal offence in the UK.
Yeah, right – well, that makes sense, I don’t think. Does the right hand actually know what the left hand is doing in Downing Street?
Hmmm, while Orwell’s prophetic ‘1984’ provides insights to what a dystopian Big Brother state might manifest as, the book in itself was never meant to be used as an instruction manual to achieve such – Totalitarianism for Dummies.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.
Monday, 19 July 2010
Sunday, 18 July 2010
NY’s Finest - Liar! Liar! Scumbags
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
A former New York cop faces four sphincter-stretching years in one of the state’s numerous (74) sodomite paradise penitentiaries after an internet video exposed his bid to prosecute a cycling protester for running into him as a big porky pie.
Police Officer Patrick Pongo claimed activist Chad McScrunt steered into him purposely and knocked him down during a demonstration in July 2008 – where Pongo had been assigned to keep order and watch out for traffic violations as a bike protest called Critical Mass passed through Times Square.
However a YouTube video seen by every fucker and their dog on the planet who owns a computer with an internet connection has exposed him as a liar – with the video footage showing Pongo purposely striding over to intercept the cyclist and shoving him off his bike with violent malice aforethought, causing McScrunt to impact the ground and sutain injuries.
McScrunt was acquitted of assault charges and received a $65,000 payout from the city’s police – commenting to reporters at the time “No shit, that’s a handy wad of tax-free cash seeing I’m unemployed an’ ain’t had a holiday since fuck knows when. I’m gonna get my ass down to Vegas and do a few tracks of coke an’ get me some of that first rate pussy for hire.”
As a result of the felonious arrest Pongo, who was a rookie recruit at the time of the protest two years ago, has been fired from his job in disgrace and was recently convicted of perjury.
When the case opened in New York and the presiding judge announced “Call the first witness!”, the defence counsel replied “YouTube, your Honour”- with the short video of the entire incident of Pongo’s attack on McScrunt, taken on a tourist’s digicam, screened for the court – and jury. Hence case dismissed.
Pongo was subsequently charged with breaking the 9th and 11th Commandments respectively: “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour – or cyclists” - and “Thou shalt not get caught out telling nasty porky pies”.
On hearing Pongo’s case the judge refused to entertain a petition for leniency owing to the fact the accused had suffered the embarrassing indignity of having the entire New York Police Force shouting "Liar! Liar! – Pants on Fire!" every time he walked into the station.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
A former New York cop faces four sphincter-stretching years in one of the state’s numerous (74) sodomite paradise penitentiaries after an internet video exposed his bid to prosecute a cycling protester for running into him as a big porky pie.
Police Officer Patrick Pongo claimed activist Chad McScrunt steered into him purposely and knocked him down during a demonstration in July 2008 – where Pongo had been assigned to keep order and watch out for traffic violations as a bike protest called Critical Mass passed through Times Square.
However a YouTube video seen by every fucker and their dog on the planet who owns a computer with an internet connection has exposed him as a liar – with the video footage showing Pongo purposely striding over to intercept the cyclist and shoving him off his bike with violent malice aforethought, causing McScrunt to impact the ground and sutain injuries.
McScrunt was acquitted of assault charges and received a $65,000 payout from the city’s police – commenting to reporters at the time “No shit, that’s a handy wad of tax-free cash seeing I’m unemployed an’ ain’t had a holiday since fuck knows when. I’m gonna get my ass down to Vegas and do a few tracks of coke an’ get me some of that first rate pussy for hire.”
As a result of the felonious arrest Pongo, who was a rookie recruit at the time of the protest two years ago, has been fired from his job in disgrace and was recently convicted of perjury.
When the case opened in New York and the presiding judge announced “Call the first witness!”, the defence counsel replied “YouTube, your Honour”- with the short video of the entire incident of Pongo’s attack on McScrunt, taken on a tourist’s digicam, screened for the court – and jury. Hence case dismissed.
Pongo was subsequently charged with breaking the 9th and 11th Commandments respectively: “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour – or cyclists” - and “Thou shalt not get caught out telling nasty porky pies”.
On hearing Pongo’s case the judge refused to entertain a petition for leniency owing to the fact the accused had suffered the embarrassing indignity of having the entire New York Police Force shouting "Liar! Liar! – Pants on Fire!" every time he walked into the station.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Taliban Resort to Monkey Business
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Afghanistan's Taliban fundamentalist Muslim insurgents, fighting to the death to kick out the NATO foreign devil invaders and their ethnic stooges – such as President Hamid Kami-Karzai - from their country for the past nine years, have resorted to training monkeys to use weapons and attack American troops, according to intelligence reports coming in from Bellend Province.
War correspondents from the Rumour Mongers media agency also spotted and filmed several "monkey soldiers" brandishing AK-47 rifles and being trained to construct improvised explosive devices in the Tizwazstan tribal region close to the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The report and photos have been widely spread by media agencies and internet web sites across the world.
The gospel according to one report claims that the American military hierarchy have labelled them as ‘Muslim monkey terrorists’ and claim this is simply the latest Taliban move in their evolving strategy of asymmetrical warfare against the NATO forces and their Neocon-inspired ‘Operation Enduring Warfare’.
The United States launched their illegal invasion of Afghanistan on the strength of the sinister constructed falsehood that the non-existent Al Qaeda were based there and were further responsible for Mossad’s false flag terrorist attacks against the US on 9/11.
They kicked started their little Zionist war using the world's most advanced weapons such as highly-intelligent robots to detect IED bombs on roadsides and unmanned Predator drone aerial vehicles to attack major Taliban targets – such as herds of goats or caves with a front door and letter box fitted.
In response, the Taliban forces have tried any possible means to retaliate and figured out how to train monkeys as "replacement killers" against American troops.
This was first demonstrated when the monkeys were fitted with C4 explosive suicide vests and trained to make contact with personnel wearing a NATO military camouflage uniform – or anyone with a red neck and speaking with a shit-for-brains Yankee accent - whereupon a concealed spotter would detonate their vest via a radio signal.
Significantly, a US trooper from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment was attacked and killed by an anthropoid hit squad last week when he unwittingly offered one of the apes some peanuts and ended up stabbed to death with a combat banana.
Recently-fired NATO Commander in Afghanistan General Billy Bob McBlabberwocky made the mistake of relating to Rolling Stone magazine that “Hey, really, this is fast becoming a most serious embarrassment for us. These platoons of monkeys the Taliban are fielding across the battle front are displaying a greater level of intelligence than our marines. No shit, this has given a whole new meaning to the term ‘gorilla warfare’.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Afghanistan's Taliban fundamentalist Muslim insurgents, fighting to the death to kick out the NATO foreign devil invaders and their ethnic stooges – such as President Hamid Kami-Karzai - from their country for the past nine years, have resorted to training monkeys to use weapons and attack American troops, according to intelligence reports coming in from Bellend Province.
War correspondents from the Rumour Mongers media agency also spotted and filmed several "monkey soldiers" brandishing AK-47 rifles and being trained to construct improvised explosive devices in the Tizwazstan tribal region close to the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The report and photos have been widely spread by media agencies and internet web sites across the world.
The gospel according to one report claims that the American military hierarchy have labelled them as ‘Muslim monkey terrorists’ and claim this is simply the latest Taliban move in their evolving strategy of asymmetrical warfare against the NATO forces and their Neocon-inspired ‘Operation Enduring Warfare’.
The United States launched their illegal invasion of Afghanistan on the strength of the sinister constructed falsehood that the non-existent Al Qaeda were based there and were further responsible for Mossad’s false flag terrorist attacks against the US on 9/11.
They kicked started their little Zionist war using the world's most advanced weapons such as highly-intelligent robots to detect IED bombs on roadsides and unmanned Predator drone aerial vehicles to attack major Taliban targets – such as herds of goats or caves with a front door and letter box fitted.
In response, the Taliban forces have tried any possible means to retaliate and figured out how to train monkeys as "replacement killers" against American troops.
This was first demonstrated when the monkeys were fitted with C4 explosive suicide vests and trained to make contact with personnel wearing a NATO military camouflage uniform – or anyone with a red neck and speaking with a shit-for-brains Yankee accent - whereupon a concealed spotter would detonate their vest via a radio signal.
Significantly, a US trooper from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment was attacked and killed by an anthropoid hit squad last week when he unwittingly offered one of the apes some peanuts and ended up stabbed to death with a combat banana.
Recently-fired NATO Commander in Afghanistan General Billy Bob McBlabberwocky made the mistake of relating to Rolling Stone magazine that “Hey, really, this is fast becoming a most serious embarrassment for us. These platoons of monkeys the Taliban are fielding across the battle front are displaying a greater level of intelligence than our marines. No shit, this has given a whole new meaning to the term ‘gorilla warfare’.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Saturday, 17 July 2010
Just So: How Badger Got His White Stripe
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
In what might well be a take on one of Kiplings ‘Just So’ stories - 'How The Badger Got His White Stripe', council jobsworths on hire from the manual labour pool at Renta-Moron and tasked with painting white lines down the centre of the A369 road between Kuntsbridge and Twatford, left a gap in their work by rolling their line-marker straight over a dead badger - claiming it was not their responsibility to move it.
Smegmashire County Council’s ‘Compliance Director’ Ms Candida Mingerot confirmed the workers followed HSE procedures throughout and did what they thought "was best" due the fact that while it is the mandated obligation of the emergency services to remove dead human road kill from the highways it’s the district council's job to dispose of animal carcasses.
Ms Mingerot added that inter-departmental communications had been somewhat confused since the new Libservative coalition came to power and their phone service had been cut off as part of Chancellor Oddball’s ‘No Pain – No Gain’ emergency ‘Slasher’ budget.
Ron Bogbrush, a reporter with the Fuckwits Gazette, was lucky enough to catch up with one of the road painting crew in the Yobsters Arms at lunchtime yesterday, and persuaded him to stop texting on his new Crapple 4 ‘No Signal’ iPhone for ten minutes in exchange for a couple of pints of Bitch Thumper lager and explain his side of the story.
17-year old Duane Scrunt, a former skateboard mechanic, related “When we comes around the bend of the A369 opposite Doggers Wood there’s this big furry thingy crouched down in the middle of the road lookin’ all evil an’ intent on some aggro’ like. So havin’ just watched a pirate copy of Twilight Eclipse the other night wiv all those vampire twats an’ werewolf thingies in it, I sez to me workmate Norm “Fuck this – let’s go an’ have a smoke up on the hill ‘til Cujo fucks off like.”
“Anyways, after about an hour the bleedin’ thing ain’t moved – even when a Pestco Greedy Grocer delivery truck ran straight over the fucker - so Norm went down an’ had a closer look like an’ gave it a good poke up the arse wiv his paint pole an’ he shouts up that it’s some animal wot’s escaped from the zoo and got twatted by a motor and killed.”
“So then we sez ‘ah fuck it’ an’ carries on wiv the line paintin’ – but cos the dead werewolf’s all bloated up an’ stinking we just paints straight over it. I mean like, we’re not touchin’ the efiin’ thing just in case we cop a dose of the dreaded lurgie or the mange.”
Likewise, Duane’s live-in girl-friend Chantelle McSlagg, a 16-year old mother of three, spoke with one reporter from Radio Numpty in the pub car park “Yeah right – me bloke did the right fing not touchin’ the effin’ body cos it could ‘ave ‘ad some disease - like rabies or swine flu or Badgeritis an’ then yer catch that an’ yer grow an effin’ big white stripe down the front of yer effin’ ‘ead.”
Ms Kelly la Bonk, Environmental Protection Officer for Smegmashire County Council, related to Pox News that "We would usually liaise with our colleagues at the district council who dispose of animal carcasses on the highways to ensure the badger was removed before the white line painting crew did this stretch of road. However, since the phones were cut off in May we’ve had to contend with a massive communications failure. Really, things were never this bad under Labour.”
Rita Fuctifino, spokeswoman for the council contractor Dorks-R-Us, confirmed that “Staff from our Renta-Moron sub-contractor are not licensed or trained to deal with the disposal of road kill. However, the badger’s carcass has now been removed from the centre of the road by Kostas, our local road kill pikey butcher. Furthermore, the gap in the white line has been filled in – and at no extra cost to the council tax payer."
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, several cetes of badgers were temporarily upset by the bad news.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.
In what might well be a take on one of Kiplings ‘Just So’ stories - 'How The Badger Got His White Stripe', council jobsworths on hire from the manual labour pool at Renta-Moron and tasked with painting white lines down the centre of the A369 road between Kuntsbridge and Twatford, left a gap in their work by rolling their line-marker straight over a dead badger - claiming it was not their responsibility to move it.
Smegmashire County Council’s ‘Compliance Director’ Ms Candida Mingerot confirmed the workers followed HSE procedures throughout and did what they thought "was best" due the fact that while it is the mandated obligation of the emergency services to remove dead human road kill from the highways it’s the district council's job to dispose of animal carcasses.
Ms Mingerot added that inter-departmental communications had been somewhat confused since the new Libservative coalition came to power and their phone service had been cut off as part of Chancellor Oddball’s ‘No Pain – No Gain’ emergency ‘Slasher’ budget.
Ron Bogbrush, a reporter with the Fuckwits Gazette, was lucky enough to catch up with one of the road painting crew in the Yobsters Arms at lunchtime yesterday, and persuaded him to stop texting on his new Crapple 4 ‘No Signal’ iPhone for ten minutes in exchange for a couple of pints of Bitch Thumper lager and explain his side of the story.
17-year old Duane Scrunt, a former skateboard mechanic, related “When we comes around the bend of the A369 opposite Doggers Wood there’s this big furry thingy crouched down in the middle of the road lookin’ all evil an’ intent on some aggro’ like. So havin’ just watched a pirate copy of Twilight Eclipse the other night wiv all those vampire twats an’ werewolf thingies in it, I sez to me workmate Norm “Fuck this – let’s go an’ have a smoke up on the hill ‘til Cujo fucks off like.”
“Anyways, after about an hour the bleedin’ thing ain’t moved – even when a Pestco Greedy Grocer delivery truck ran straight over the fucker - so Norm went down an’ had a closer look like an’ gave it a good poke up the arse wiv his paint pole an’ he shouts up that it’s some animal wot’s escaped from the zoo and got twatted by a motor and killed.”
“So then we sez ‘ah fuck it’ an’ carries on wiv the line paintin’ – but cos the dead werewolf’s all bloated up an’ stinking we just paints straight over it. I mean like, we’re not touchin’ the efiin’ thing just in case we cop a dose of the dreaded lurgie or the mange.”
Likewise, Duane’s live-in girl-friend Chantelle McSlagg, a 16-year old mother of three, spoke with one reporter from Radio Numpty in the pub car park “Yeah right – me bloke did the right fing not touchin’ the effin’ body cos it could ‘ave ‘ad some disease - like rabies or swine flu or Badgeritis an’ then yer catch that an’ yer grow an effin’ big white stripe down the front of yer effin’ ‘ead.”
Ms Kelly la Bonk, Environmental Protection Officer for Smegmashire County Council, related to Pox News that "We would usually liaise with our colleagues at the district council who dispose of animal carcasses on the highways to ensure the badger was removed before the white line painting crew did this stretch of road. However, since the phones were cut off in May we’ve had to contend with a massive communications failure. Really, things were never this bad under Labour.”
Rita Fuctifino, spokeswoman for the council contractor Dorks-R-Us, confirmed that “Staff from our Renta-Moron sub-contractor are not licensed or trained to deal with the disposal of road kill. However, the badger’s carcass has now been removed from the centre of the road by Kostas, our local road kill pikey butcher. Furthermore, the gap in the white line has been filled in – and at no extra cost to the council tax payer."
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, several cetes of badgers were temporarily upset by the bad news.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.
‘Cat Burglar’ gets New Definition
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The owners of a larcenous manky moggie have reported their pet to the local Plod Squad after it started stealing dozens of items of underwear and pairs of women’s knickers from neighbouring garden washing lines.
Mrs Hilda Titwank of Smegma Hamlets at Scumborough-on-Sea adopted the 12-year-old feline kleptomaniac from the Twatford Prison for Wayward Pets last Christmas when he came up for parole on the Reformed Criminal Mousers website.
However, no sooner had Fagin, a marmalade ginger tom, settled in than he started carting home his stolen hauls.
In recent weeks the thieving cat has heisted an excess of 100 items leading his owners to inform the police. Mrs Titwank told one reporter from the Scallies Gazette that Fagin first started bringing home gardening gloves but quickly moved first onto socks and tea towels, then concentrated on ladies knickers – especially so frilly crotchless styles.
Hilda’s husband Wilf related that as the pilfered haul built up they became concerned that neighbours would think he was the thief “Seriously, I’ve already got me name on the Sex Offenders Register since I woz caught shaggin’ a sheep up on the moors last summer. All I need is now is the neighbour’s findin’ a bunch of stolen bra’s an’ panties here wot Hilda’s effin’ moggie’s nicked from their washin’ lines.”
“When we let him out fer a roam around he started bringin’ back gardening gloves and old condoms - and then he went up market and got inter thievin’ women's knickers – an’ it’s women’s kex wot’s his effin’ favourite – probably cos they still stink like fish – even after they’ve bin through the laundry.”
Chlamydia Mingerot, director of veterinary services at the Feline Probation Bureau, informed one reporter from the Thieving Tonk’s Review "Cats generally bring prey or other items back to the core area of their territory where they feel safe, usually the house for domestic cats.”
"This is a natural behaviour that is completely normal and wouldn’t be a cause for concern if it wasn’t items of female underwear that were being stolen."
“However one must remember Fagin is a tomcat so it’s quite possibly that pussy is being attracted by the smell of pussy.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
The owners of a larcenous manky moggie have reported their pet to the local Plod Squad after it started stealing dozens of items of underwear and pairs of women’s knickers from neighbouring garden washing lines.
Mrs Hilda Titwank of Smegma Hamlets at Scumborough-on-Sea adopted the 12-year-old feline kleptomaniac from the Twatford Prison for Wayward Pets last Christmas when he came up for parole on the Reformed Criminal Mousers website.
However, no sooner had Fagin, a marmalade ginger tom, settled in than he started carting home his stolen hauls.
In recent weeks the thieving cat has heisted an excess of 100 items leading his owners to inform the police. Mrs Titwank told one reporter from the Scallies Gazette that Fagin first started bringing home gardening gloves but quickly moved first onto socks and tea towels, then concentrated on ladies knickers – especially so frilly crotchless styles.
Hilda’s husband Wilf related that as the pilfered haul built up they became concerned that neighbours would think he was the thief “Seriously, I’ve already got me name on the Sex Offenders Register since I woz caught shaggin’ a sheep up on the moors last summer. All I need is now is the neighbour’s findin’ a bunch of stolen bra’s an’ panties here wot Hilda’s effin’ moggie’s nicked from their washin’ lines.”
“When we let him out fer a roam around he started bringin’ back gardening gloves and old condoms - and then he went up market and got inter thievin’ women's knickers – an’ it’s women’s kex wot’s his effin’ favourite – probably cos they still stink like fish – even after they’ve bin through the laundry.”
Chlamydia Mingerot, director of veterinary services at the Feline Probation Bureau, informed one reporter from the Thieving Tonk’s Review "Cats generally bring prey or other items back to the core area of their territory where they feel safe, usually the house for domestic cats.”
"This is a natural behaviour that is completely normal and wouldn’t be a cause for concern if it wasn’t items of female underwear that were being stolen."
“However one must remember Fagin is a tomcat so it’s quite possibly that pussy is being attracted by the smell of pussy.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Friday, 16 July 2010
Israelis Invent ‘Remote Psychopath’ Video Game
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The all-new Israeli military innovation – the SSPS (Spot & Shoot Palestinian Scum) may look like a video game but the figures on the screen are real people – Palestinians in Gaza – who can be killed with the touch of a button on the joystick.
Female soldiers belonging to the 21st Psychopaths Brigade operate the video units from a communications centre miles away yet are responsible for aiming and firing remote-controlled heavy machine-guns mounted on watch-towers every few hundred metres along the electronic fence and Great Apartheid Wall that surrounds and besieges the disfranchised and bullied population of the Gaza Strip ghetto – which recently won the Concentration Camp Review's coveted 'Biggest Open Prison on the Planet' award.
The system is one of the latest “remote killing” devices developed by Israel’s Rafael armaments company, the former weapons research division of the Israeli army – but now a separate governmental department turning out clandestine dirty bombs and micro nukes for their forthcoming spate of false flag terrorist operations.
According to Ms Jenny Cidal, Rafael’s vice president, remote-controlled military hardware such as SSPS is the face of the future – and she expects that within a decade at least a third of the killing machines used by the Israeli army to control the land, air and sea around their illegal full-fledged apartheid state will be unmanned – hence totally devoid of any form of conscience - social or moral - much as the entire Knesset is today.
Rapid progress with the technology has raised alarm at the United Nations, prompting Ghengis Mctwat, its special rapporteur on extrajudicial executions, to issue a warning last month of the danger that a “PlayStation mentality to killing” had emerged in the Israeli rogue state.
According to analysts, however, Israel is unlikely to turn its back on hardware that it has been at the forefront of developing – using the occupied Palestinian territories, and especially Gaza, as a testing and proving ground for the effects of their advanced weaponry on humans – much as the Nazi did in their nasty concentration camps on hapless prisoners - and too the Japanese war criminals with the Kempeitai’s Unit 731 in Manchuria.
Well, the SSPS eh – definite proof of this vaunted Jewish higher intelligence and propensity for the arts - and higher culture - demonstrated yet again.
Another Israeli kikester first – murder by remote control, no less. WTF - who but Freddie Fagin and the Shylocks could come up with anything so inhumane?
According to an IDF recruitment advertisement in last week’s Intifada Gazette – “If you’re over 16 and interested in video game training and can use an X-Box or Play Station 2 - then you’re qualified to be an IDF assassin.”
Well what can we expect with Israeli Prime Minister Binman Nuttyahoo in charge of the outlaw state - a bloke who believes U.S. Middle East policy ought to be based on his interpretation of Old Testament prophecy.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy or Palestinian body parts.
The all-new Israeli military innovation – the SSPS (Spot & Shoot Palestinian Scum) may look like a video game but the figures on the screen are real people – Palestinians in Gaza – who can be killed with the touch of a button on the joystick.
Female soldiers belonging to the 21st Psychopaths Brigade operate the video units from a communications centre miles away yet are responsible for aiming and firing remote-controlled heavy machine-guns mounted on watch-towers every few hundred metres along the electronic fence and Great Apartheid Wall that surrounds and besieges the disfranchised and bullied population of the Gaza Strip ghetto – which recently won the Concentration Camp Review's coveted 'Biggest Open Prison on the Planet' award.
The system is one of the latest “remote killing” devices developed by Israel’s Rafael armaments company, the former weapons research division of the Israeli army – but now a separate governmental department turning out clandestine dirty bombs and micro nukes for their forthcoming spate of false flag terrorist operations.
According to Ms Jenny Cidal, Rafael’s vice president, remote-controlled military hardware such as SSPS is the face of the future – and she expects that within a decade at least a third of the killing machines used by the Israeli army to control the land, air and sea around their illegal full-fledged apartheid state will be unmanned – hence totally devoid of any form of conscience - social or moral - much as the entire Knesset is today.
Rapid progress with the technology has raised alarm at the United Nations, prompting Ghengis Mctwat, its special rapporteur on extrajudicial executions, to issue a warning last month of the danger that a “PlayStation mentality to killing” had emerged in the Israeli rogue state.
According to analysts, however, Israel is unlikely to turn its back on hardware that it has been at the forefront of developing – using the occupied Palestinian territories, and especially Gaza, as a testing and proving ground for the effects of their advanced weaponry on humans – much as the Nazi did in their nasty concentration camps on hapless prisoners - and too the Japanese war criminals with the Kempeitai’s Unit 731 in Manchuria.
Well, the SSPS eh – definite proof of this vaunted Jewish higher intelligence and propensity for the arts - and higher culture - demonstrated yet again.
Another Israeli kikester first – murder by remote control, no less. WTF - who but Freddie Fagin and the Shylocks could come up with anything so inhumane?
According to an IDF recruitment advertisement in last week’s Intifada Gazette – “If you’re over 16 and interested in video game training and can use an X-Box or Play Station 2 - then you’re qualified to be an IDF assassin.”
Well what can we expect with Israeli Prime Minister Binman Nuttyahoo in charge of the outlaw state - a bloke who believes U.S. Middle East policy ought to be based on his interpretation of Old Testament prophecy.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy or Palestinian body parts.
July Skewed News Views Roundup
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
President of Brazil Seeks Spanking Ban.
Brazil's President, the 69-year old Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, has sent a bill to Congress which will ban the use of spanking as a corporal punishment for children – and erring husbands.
The bill’s ratification will outlaw any cruel or degrading treatment that humiliates or seriously threatens the afore-mentioned victims – specifically getting their bum spanked.
Lula informed a reporter from the Flagellants Gazette that “At last, now I am President I can get this passed into law and prohibited as a punishment.”
“Ever since I was a child my mother would pull down my pants, bend me over her knee and spank the cheeks of my bare ass. It was most embarrassing – especially so when she did it in the middle of the street or supermarket.”
“Now, my mother she tells my wife how to discipline me, so every time I am late home for dinner or have lipstick on my collar – or around my cock – then down come my pants and she spanks me just like Mama used to do. Seriously, from a personal viewpoint I’m sick of it – hence my new anti-spanking bill,”
UK Crimes at Lowest Level Since 1981
The number of crimes committed in England and Wales has fallen to its lowest level since records began in 1981, official figures have shown.
In 2008-2009, crimes committed by criminal types fell to 9.6 million - 9% below the previous year, indicating that the recession has not caused so much of an increase in offences as was forecast. The veracity of this point was challenged and criticised on the hypothesis that victims simply weren’t bothering to report crimes since 50% of the police force has been laid off in the Libservative coalition’s ‘Slasher’ emergency budget.
The actual up-to-date figures for the last year 2009-2010 were unavailable as the report containing the statistics was stolen during a recent burglary at the British Crime Survey offices.
The BCS claims that while there was a "notable" drop in internet copyright piracy, unfortunately shop-lifting and cattle rustling (cows, sheep, chickens and the Queen’s deer) had been on the increase since most of the UK’s workforce had been made redundant – and homeless – with rumours abounding that the entire country was being plagued with a Biblical type surge of people coveting their neighbour’s possessions - especially so the edible type.
In Scotland, the equivalent of the BCS is the Scottish Crime and Justice Survey whose last report, for 2008-2009, stated the number of crimes experienced by the Scottish public totalled 5,194,623 - equating out at one per each member of the five million population.
Topping the crime list offences north of the border are still aggravated alcoholism and instances of ritual bagpipe rape - followed a close second by kiddie fiddling around the pederast strongholds of Grampian’s Aberdeen crime capital and the Highlands’ Masonic lodges.
BP Ready to Nuke Gulf Oil Well
In yet another Wiley T Coyote style attempt to staunch the flow of crude oil and other noxious pelican-killing pollutants spewing out of their fubar drill hole in the fractured permeable seabed of the Gulf of Mexico, the executive incompetents comprising the ruling hierarchy at BP, in conjunction with Snafu Oilfield Services, are preparing to deploy a small nuclear device in a frenzied rush against time to quell the cascading catastrophe before it spreads into the ocean proper - halting the circuitous flow of the North Atlantic Drift together with its northern extension towards Europe, the Gulf Stream – causing another Ice Age.
Now these idiots impersonating geophysicists have opened Pandora’s box, and finally realised they can’t get the lid back on, they’re desperate to try any and all Heath Robinson solutions to stop this becoming a bigger environmental cataclysm of Biblical proportions than it already is.
So, while every bugger and their dog always has a Plan B up their sleeves, BP have now run the whole gamut from B through to Plan X – with as much luck or success as a leper looking to get laid.
In a desperate attempt to stop a vast area of the Gulf ocean floor from rupturing due to subterranean methane gas – which would unleash a calamity no living human has ever seen the likes of before – BP’s about to tear a page from science fiction fantasy with the Omega Plan - and flirt a nuclear EPFCG charge down the aborted Deepshit Horizon rig drill hole and detonate it.
Jesus H Christ and WTF? We can’t trust these bungling twats to drill an oilwell without causing the biggest environmental disaster since the Chicxulub Asteroid hit the Gulf of Mexico dead centre some 68 million years ago and initiated the K-T boundary event that snuffed all the dinosaurs and anything else old enough to croak.
And now we’re gonna let BP play ‘mad scientist’ with a bunch of micro-nukes – the ones that don’t exist - those the Israelis don’t have – the same type that didn’t go Ka-fucking-Boom! in a monsoon drain outside the Sari Club in Bali in 2002.
Hmmm, this might just turn out to be a bigger extiction level event than the one they’re attempting to avoid.
UK Bans Iroquois Lacrosse Team
Foreign Secretary Willy Vague today informed the media that the UK will refuse to allow a Native American lacrosse team to travel to the country using passports issued by the Iroquois Confederacy.
Vague has instructed the Borders Agency that the team will only be granted a visa at immigration on arrival if they are in possession of documents considered valid by the UK, including US or Canadian passports – or those stolen and cloned by the Israeli Mossad.
The Iroquois Confederacy consists of six Indian nations that oversee tribal lands stretching from upstate New York into the Canadian southern province of Ontario.
The UK's decision not to accept the confederacy's travel documents came just one day prior to the commencement of the Lacrosse World Championships in Manchester, during which the Iroquois team were due to play England.
One Borders Agency whistleblower working under cover for Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers charity, told a reporter from the Blabberwocky Gazette that “It’s all down ter national effin’ pride, isn’t it. This Iroquois team are reckoned ter be real shit hot cos they’ve bin playin’ it fer over a thousand years and wiv England just getting’ their arses kicked in South Africa in the World Cup soccer tournament, the new Libservative coalition don’t want the same thing happenin’ again – well, not so soon after the last fuck up.”
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.
President of Brazil Seeks Spanking Ban.
Brazil's President, the 69-year old Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, has sent a bill to Congress which will ban the use of spanking as a corporal punishment for children – and erring husbands.
The bill’s ratification will outlaw any cruel or degrading treatment that humiliates or seriously threatens the afore-mentioned victims – specifically getting their bum spanked.
Lula informed a reporter from the Flagellants Gazette that “At last, now I am President I can get this passed into law and prohibited as a punishment.”
“Ever since I was a child my mother would pull down my pants, bend me over her knee and spank the cheeks of my bare ass. It was most embarrassing – especially so when she did it in the middle of the street or supermarket.”
“Now, my mother she tells my wife how to discipline me, so every time I am late home for dinner or have lipstick on my collar – or around my cock – then down come my pants and she spanks me just like Mama used to do. Seriously, from a personal viewpoint I’m sick of it – hence my new anti-spanking bill,”
UK Crimes at Lowest Level Since 1981
The number of crimes committed in England and Wales has fallen to its lowest level since records began in 1981, official figures have shown.
In 2008-2009, crimes committed by criminal types fell to 9.6 million - 9% below the previous year, indicating that the recession has not caused so much of an increase in offences as was forecast. The veracity of this point was challenged and criticised on the hypothesis that victims simply weren’t bothering to report crimes since 50% of the police force has been laid off in the Libservative coalition’s ‘Slasher’ emergency budget.
The actual up-to-date figures for the last year 2009-2010 were unavailable as the report containing the statistics was stolen during a recent burglary at the British Crime Survey offices.
The BCS claims that while there was a "notable" drop in internet copyright piracy, unfortunately shop-lifting and cattle rustling (cows, sheep, chickens and the Queen’s deer) had been on the increase since most of the UK’s workforce had been made redundant – and homeless – with rumours abounding that the entire country was being plagued with a Biblical type surge of people coveting their neighbour’s possessions - especially so the edible type.
In Scotland, the equivalent of the BCS is the Scottish Crime and Justice Survey whose last report, for 2008-2009, stated the number of crimes experienced by the Scottish public totalled 5,194,623 - equating out at one per each member of the five million population.
Topping the crime list offences north of the border are still aggravated alcoholism and instances of ritual bagpipe rape - followed a close second by kiddie fiddling around the pederast strongholds of Grampian’s Aberdeen crime capital and the Highlands’ Masonic lodges.
BP Ready to Nuke Gulf Oil Well
In yet another Wiley T Coyote style attempt to staunch the flow of crude oil and other noxious pelican-killing pollutants spewing out of their fubar drill hole in the fractured permeable seabed of the Gulf of Mexico, the executive incompetents comprising the ruling hierarchy at BP, in conjunction with Snafu Oilfield Services, are preparing to deploy a small nuclear device in a frenzied rush against time to quell the cascading catastrophe before it spreads into the ocean proper - halting the circuitous flow of the North Atlantic Drift together with its northern extension towards Europe, the Gulf Stream – causing another Ice Age.
Now these idiots impersonating geophysicists have opened Pandora’s box, and finally realised they can’t get the lid back on, they’re desperate to try any and all Heath Robinson solutions to stop this becoming a bigger environmental cataclysm of Biblical proportions than it already is.
So, while every bugger and their dog always has a Plan B up their sleeves, BP have now run the whole gamut from B through to Plan X – with as much luck or success as a leper looking to get laid.
In a desperate attempt to stop a vast area of the Gulf ocean floor from rupturing due to subterranean methane gas – which would unleash a calamity no living human has ever seen the likes of before – BP’s about to tear a page from science fiction fantasy with the Omega Plan - and flirt a nuclear EPFCG charge down the aborted Deepshit Horizon rig drill hole and detonate it.
Jesus H Christ and WTF? We can’t trust these bungling twats to drill an oilwell without causing the biggest environmental disaster since the Chicxulub Asteroid hit the Gulf of Mexico dead centre some 68 million years ago and initiated the K-T boundary event that snuffed all the dinosaurs and anything else old enough to croak.
And now we’re gonna let BP play ‘mad scientist’ with a bunch of micro-nukes – the ones that don’t exist - those the Israelis don’t have – the same type that didn’t go Ka-fucking-Boom! in a monsoon drain outside the Sari Club in Bali in 2002.
Hmmm, this might just turn out to be a bigger extiction level event than the one they’re attempting to avoid.
UK Bans Iroquois Lacrosse Team
Foreign Secretary Willy Vague today informed the media that the UK will refuse to allow a Native American lacrosse team to travel to the country using passports issued by the Iroquois Confederacy.
Vague has instructed the Borders Agency that the team will only be granted a visa at immigration on arrival if they are in possession of documents considered valid by the UK, including US or Canadian passports – or those stolen and cloned by the Israeli Mossad.
The Iroquois Confederacy consists of six Indian nations that oversee tribal lands stretching from upstate New York into the Canadian southern province of Ontario.
The UK's decision not to accept the confederacy's travel documents came just one day prior to the commencement of the Lacrosse World Championships in Manchester, during which the Iroquois team were due to play England.
One Borders Agency whistleblower working under cover for Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers charity, told a reporter from the Blabberwocky Gazette that “It’s all down ter national effin’ pride, isn’t it. This Iroquois team are reckoned ter be real shit hot cos they’ve bin playin’ it fer over a thousand years and wiv England just getting’ their arses kicked in South Africa in the World Cup soccer tournament, the new Libservative coalition don’t want the same thing happenin’ again – well, not so soon after the last fuck up.”
* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.
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