The narcissistic PerfectPrats.com dating and social network site has been forced to give the arse to over 5,000 members following complaints they had gained weight and got uglier over the Christmas holidays.
The so-called ‘festive fatties’ were kicked off Perfect Prats for losing their looks or putting on a ‘few pounds too many’ after slopping down naughty extra helpings of Xmas yummies and swigging their favourite tipple to excess over the holiday season.
Fellattia Quasimodo, spokeswoman for the site, which has a mandatory ban on ‘ugly twats’, told a reporter from the Mutants Gazette they had disenfranchised more than 5,000 members from around the world who had put on weight over Christmas.
Most of the former Perfect Prats were expelled from the US chapter – where they’d all been celebrating the Christmas Day capture of this week’s favourite Anti-Christ pin up – the Nigerian-born al Qaeda terrorist pasty Umar Muttonleg – and the fact Uncle Sam was ready n raring to invade the Yemen – and probably Nigeria as well since their elected leader seems to have conveniently disappeared while undergoing medical treatment in Saudi Arabia.
De-listed member Billy Bob Scrotum from Redneck County, Louisiana, told Pox News “Hellfire, some of us patriotic members jest got into a bit of a shindig and a yee-ha over the good news the Pentagon boys are gonna kick even more evil Ayrab ass.”
“This Kenyan Pres’ Obama guy that got done elected is the bee’s knees at findin’ enemies fer us to fight – God bless America.”
Excuses for binge drinking – and eating – aside, according to Perfect Prats.com, "vigilant staff and website monitors" called for drastic action after shit-for-brains members posted photos of themselves or appeared on webcam clips celebrating at Christmas and New Year parties – inadvertantly revealing they had "let themselves go".
One Perfect Prats monitor - Feral Beryl the Bulima Kid – along with her dyke sidekick Anorexia Annie – spoke to Fux News, relating “We saw them posting all kinds of real bad pix and webcam footage of themselves bingeing out – so we enforced the ruling that they had to match their original acceptance criteria – slim n so-so good looking.”
“We’re after lean, mean fighting machines – not Homer Simpson porkies or guys and gals with eczema and spotty asses – or chlamydia and dandruff.”
"Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which Perfect Prats.com was founded."
“Perfect Prats, remember that – not Fatcunts R Us or Ugly Twats.com.”
The website only allows entry to new members if existing members vote them as sufficiently attractive to warrant it – and this regulation also applies to continuation of membership – although website staff freely admitted an exception was made for the pox-ridden celebrity socialite Skidrow Hotels chain heiress - Paris Stilton.
Conversely this ruling didn’t apply to impresario coxcomb Simon Cowell whose membership application was rejected on the grounds of ‘too much Botox and orange spray tan’ – and ‘being an all-round nasty cunt’.
However the site is unrepentant about its selection process, referring to itself as ‘the largest network of attractive people in the world’.
This egocentric pronouncement prompted hackers to add –“with their heads shoved so far up their own arseholes they can’t see daylight or look in a mirror.”
According to the site, managers have been kind in breaking the news to barred members, with each having received an e mail encouraging them to re-apply when they are back to looking their best afer a few sessions at the AA or a liposuction clinic.
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Friday, 8 January 2010
Al Qaeda Blow Up Shrewsbury
Twelve people were injured – with an unlucky thirteenth being a lady janitor, Mrs. Fizzy Alka Seltzer, who was blasted out of her 12th floor minaret flat and landed in the adjacent frozen canal - when a massive explosion rocked the centre of Shrewsbury yesterday morning causing the collapse of the Oasis Street mosque and minaret - and scaring the living shit out of roosting pigeons.
Roads through the Skidrowstan area of the city were sealed off as emergency services raced to the scene of the blast as soon as they had finished lunch.
The explosion caused the Islamic religious buildings on the corner of Camel Jockey Crescent and Oasis Street to collapse, leaving debris strewn across the road and half demolishing the adjacent Pigswill Pete’s Chew n Spew Halal Café.
Confusion ensued when NHS Trust paramedics arrived on the scene and went into WTF? neck-scratching mode over who had treated the blast survivors and bandaged their heads willy-nilly fashion – a misunderstanding quickly cleared up when one on-the-ball plod ventured that they were all wearing hijabs – and still in shock from getting a couple of ’just to be on the safe side’ belts from his Taser.
Fire Chief Ghengis Fuctifino told a reporter from the Shit Happens Gazette “We don’t know yet if it was a gas explosion or these dodgy twats have been mixing some kind of bomb recipe that’s turned volatile on them and gone Ka-Boom! - with a large Capital Ka.”
Police Inspector Armitage Shanks supervised the bomb disposal team and forensic specialists who gathered evidence from amongst the rubble of the mosque – informing the Daily Shitraker correspondent “There’s thousands of pairs of men’s jockey shorts strewn around – the Jimmy Choo Choo designer type – plus the same with women’s Ann Scummers knickers – which smell like they were getting treated with some high explosive chemical – or had recently been pissed in.”
“This definitely confirms our suspicions the mosque’s madrassa wasn’t only being used to radicalise disaffected young Muslims to hate our ‘Democratic freedoms’ but as a bomb factory preparing for one of al Qaeda’s stealth underwear terrorist bombing campaigns – but they fucked up royally and shot themselves in the foot first – if yer get me meaning.”
SO15 Unit armed response officers later took the Mullah of the Oasis Street mosque into custody for questioning - a radical Yemeni cleric who goes under the name of Mustaffa al Ghaban.
Ghaban was deported from Holland in 2003 and labelled by the Dutch press as the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ and ‘Darth Sith’ who was suspected of running a rhubarb smuggling ring - and being the brains behind the fatal Marmite bombing of an Amsterdam duck pond that snuffed four mallards and a mute swan.
Ghaban then travelled to the US where he attended several Homeland Security NLP seminars at their prestigious Homer Simpson Institute for Advanced Guessology.
2005 saw Ghaban lurking around Israel and up to no good in the postage stamp sized Palestinian enclaves – breaking bread with Hamas’ Gaza Gangsters, where he was spotted by crack Mossad agent Jenni Cidal and enjoyed a brief vacation as a guest at Israel’s ‘Facility 1391’ extraordinary rendition and re-education centre before being dispatched to pastures new.
Arriving in the UK last summer (sic) al Ghaban worked for some months as a guinea pig at the Tavistock Institute’s ‘Patsy Department’ – after which he signed up for a Common Purpose leadership course - suspiciously sponsored by the then head of MI6 – Sir Irwin Bogbrush.
However Ghaban was arrested by police in October and received a police caution for harassing a mock turtle, followed by a 25 hour community service order after being convicted of duck buggery - with his name being entered in the RSPCA sex offender’s register – and banned from going within 50 metres of a pet shop for five years.
When questioned at a press conference on his connection to al Ghaban, Bogbrush – now heading New Labour’s NHS Department for Tourette’s and Coprolalia - observed the new Whitehall mantra of ‘ political correctness’ and told reporters to “Fuck off eat shit and die.”
Following his arrest Shrewsbury police searched Ghaban’s Slaggsdale Road residence and uncovered an Arabic language copy of the cream of any anarchist and revolutionary’s wish list - the Wallace & Gromit Practical Manual of High Explosives.
Several DHL cartons of counterfeit Willy Foo Foo jockey shorts – impregnated with military grade horse shampoo - were discovered packed and ready to go – labelled as ‘crotch bombs – medium size – and addressed to Mossad’s False Flag Operations centres in Tel Aviv, Sana'a and Lagos.
Certain gutter press reporters living at the thin end of the information food chain are drawing attention to rumours that a MQ -1C Predator drone was spotted by Oasis Street neighbours just prior to the explosions.
Mrs. Gladys Duckfat told one journalist from the Black Op’s Gazette “Well, there I was in the back garden chattin’ ter me neighbour Hilda Slutt when I hears this aeroplane noise an’ looks up an’ sez to Hilda – “Hey Sis, it’s one of them there Predator drones like what they use ter bomb the fuck outa the raggies in Afghanistan.”
“Next thing it pops off a coupla Hellfire missiles an’ I sez to her – I reckon it’s gonna hit the Spar shop an’ the Post Office – but they went sailin’ right over the top an’ took out that stinking mosque and the noisy cunt wot’s always shoutin’ his stupid effin’ head off at all hours of the bleedin’ day an’ night.”
“Good on ‘em I sez – an’ God bless America an’ that African bloke they got runnin’ the place now since old stupid Dubya got his arse sacked an’ went back ter Texas.”
Roads through the Skidrowstan area of the city were sealed off as emergency services raced to the scene of the blast as soon as they had finished lunch.
The explosion caused the Islamic religious buildings on the corner of Camel Jockey Crescent and Oasis Street to collapse, leaving debris strewn across the road and half demolishing the adjacent Pigswill Pete’s Chew n Spew Halal Café.
Confusion ensued when NHS Trust paramedics arrived on the scene and went into WTF? neck-scratching mode over who had treated the blast survivors and bandaged their heads willy-nilly fashion – a misunderstanding quickly cleared up when one on-the-ball plod ventured that they were all wearing hijabs – and still in shock from getting a couple of ’just to be on the safe side’ belts from his Taser.
Fire Chief Ghengis Fuctifino told a reporter from the Shit Happens Gazette “We don’t know yet if it was a gas explosion or these dodgy twats have been mixing some kind of bomb recipe that’s turned volatile on them and gone Ka-Boom! - with a large Capital Ka.”
Police Inspector Armitage Shanks supervised the bomb disposal team and forensic specialists who gathered evidence from amongst the rubble of the mosque – informing the Daily Shitraker correspondent “There’s thousands of pairs of men’s jockey shorts strewn around – the Jimmy Choo Choo designer type – plus the same with women’s Ann Scummers knickers – which smell like they were getting treated with some high explosive chemical – or had recently been pissed in.”
“This definitely confirms our suspicions the mosque’s madrassa wasn’t only being used to radicalise disaffected young Muslims to hate our ‘Democratic freedoms’ but as a bomb factory preparing for one of al Qaeda’s stealth underwear terrorist bombing campaigns – but they fucked up royally and shot themselves in the foot first – if yer get me meaning.”
SO15 Unit armed response officers later took the Mullah of the Oasis Street mosque into custody for questioning - a radical Yemeni cleric who goes under the name of Mustaffa al Ghaban.
Ghaban was deported from Holland in 2003 and labelled by the Dutch press as the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ and ‘Darth Sith’ who was suspected of running a rhubarb smuggling ring - and being the brains behind the fatal Marmite bombing of an Amsterdam duck pond that snuffed four mallards and a mute swan.
Ghaban then travelled to the US where he attended several Homeland Security NLP seminars at their prestigious Homer Simpson Institute for Advanced Guessology.
2005 saw Ghaban lurking around Israel and up to no good in the postage stamp sized Palestinian enclaves – breaking bread with Hamas’ Gaza Gangsters, where he was spotted by crack Mossad agent Jenni Cidal and enjoyed a brief vacation as a guest at Israel’s ‘Facility 1391’ extraordinary rendition and re-education centre before being dispatched to pastures new.
Arriving in the UK last summer (sic) al Ghaban worked for some months as a guinea pig at the Tavistock Institute’s ‘Patsy Department’ – after which he signed up for a Common Purpose leadership course - suspiciously sponsored by the then head of MI6 – Sir Irwin Bogbrush.
However Ghaban was arrested by police in October and received a police caution for harassing a mock turtle, followed by a 25 hour community service order after being convicted of duck buggery - with his name being entered in the RSPCA sex offender’s register – and banned from going within 50 metres of a pet shop for five years.
When questioned at a press conference on his connection to al Ghaban, Bogbrush – now heading New Labour’s NHS Department for Tourette’s and Coprolalia - observed the new Whitehall mantra of ‘ political correctness’ and told reporters to “Fuck off eat shit and die.”
Following his arrest Shrewsbury police searched Ghaban’s Slaggsdale Road residence and uncovered an Arabic language copy of the cream of any anarchist and revolutionary’s wish list - the Wallace & Gromit Practical Manual of High Explosives.
Several DHL cartons of counterfeit Willy Foo Foo jockey shorts – impregnated with military grade horse shampoo - were discovered packed and ready to go – labelled as ‘crotch bombs – medium size – and addressed to Mossad’s False Flag Operations centres in Tel Aviv, Sana'a and Lagos.
Certain gutter press reporters living at the thin end of the information food chain are drawing attention to rumours that a MQ -1C Predator drone was spotted by Oasis Street neighbours just prior to the explosions.
Mrs. Gladys Duckfat told one journalist from the Black Op’s Gazette “Well, there I was in the back garden chattin’ ter me neighbour Hilda Slutt when I hears this aeroplane noise an’ looks up an’ sez to Hilda – “Hey Sis, it’s one of them there Predator drones like what they use ter bomb the fuck outa the raggies in Afghanistan.”
“Next thing it pops off a coupla Hellfire missiles an’ I sez to her – I reckon it’s gonna hit the Spar shop an’ the Post Office – but they went sailin’ right over the top an’ took out that stinking mosque and the noisy cunt wot’s always shoutin’ his stupid effin’ head off at all hours of the bleedin’ day an’ night.”
“Good on ‘em I sez – an’ God bless America an’ that African bloke they got runnin’ the place now since old stupid Dubya got his arse sacked an’ went back ter Texas.”
Thursday, 7 January 2010
SA’s Zuma to Marry Schoolgirl
South Africa's poison dwarf President Jacob Zuma recently announced plans to marry his fifteenth wife – while hypocritically lecturing the Parliamentary assembly on his personal virtues, the sanctity of marriage, and his illusionary drive to establish an honest government to replace the current ruling Kleptocracy.
With a past history mired with scandals of graft and corruption - and ordering his political opponents snuffed - the lard-arsed Zuma is not considered - in polite social circles – to represent the ideal role model to sermonise on the merits of moral rectitude.
Likewise, the Cape’s premier gutter press tabloid, The Daily Shitraker, often refers to him as ‘that thieving Bantu twat’.
However, senior figures such as Rastus Ibn Himar from the ruling ANC, Kess Emakk of the trade union movement and Umak Ghaban of the South African Corruption Party are expected to attend the mega-Rand wedding ceremony alongside other associate career criminals, scumbags, scallies and general miscreants from around the basket-case African continent – with the totally bonkers Libyan autocrat - Colonel Muammar Gadaffi - vying to give away the bride and convert her to Islam.
The obese Zuma, a miniature Zulu from the Short-Arsed tribe, was meant to marry his 12-year old fiancée Fellattia Adobe Mingerot last year but the wedding was postponed until he could assemble the demanded ilobolo (dowry) of 12 leopard tails, 6 gorilla’s foreskins, an elephant’s trunk, a giraffe’s front teeth, Channel 4’s talking Dr. Meerkat and an autographed photo of Churchill - the insurance sales hound.
Political critics claim Zuma's upholding of the traditional Zulu practice of polygamy has really pissed off a great many South Africans – of the black, pink and brown varieties – who took exception in 2007 when Zuma’s good buddy – the ex-witch doctor Reverend Silas Chuckabutty – founded his controversial Church of Latter Day Bigamists and the President was first to acclaim the new religion and join its congregation.
(Sanusi Chuckabutty was banished from the ruling inner circle of Zulu elders when his much vaunted 2003 ‘rain dance’ materialised a plague of locusts and he was further held responsible for it causing the ensuing three years of drought)
Zuma, noted for his congenital habit of treating women like cattle, married his first wife Sizzling Kumalot, in 1990, and the fourteenth missus - Nautilus Crocodile - two years ago, maintaining what he claims to be his Shaka Zulu ancestor’s tradition of ‘getting some fresh pussy every year to ensure a good baby crop and maintain the Zuma dynasty’.
According to the official announcement on the ANC’s website: "The traditional wedding of President Jacob Zuma and Fellattia Mingerot tomorrow, 4 January, is a private family ceremony but all wedding presents will be gratefully accepted and can be deposited in de President’s Credit Suisse bank account in Zurich."
South African media are now speculating on rumours that Zuma confided to his inner circle of sycophants and arse-licking cronies that his ‘older’ wives are getting past their shelf lives and use-by dates and might just need ‘recycling’.
Zuma-watchers may well recall his number 7 wife, Mama Gamarouch Zeenat, was tragically killed in 2000 when she was accidentally shot in the back of the head while wife number 3 - Isibumbhu Sharmuta – was shampooing her hair.
With a past history mired with scandals of graft and corruption - and ordering his political opponents snuffed - the lard-arsed Zuma is not considered - in polite social circles – to represent the ideal role model to sermonise on the merits of moral rectitude.
Likewise, the Cape’s premier gutter press tabloid, The Daily Shitraker, often refers to him as ‘that thieving Bantu twat’.
However, senior figures such as Rastus Ibn Himar from the ruling ANC, Kess Emakk of the trade union movement and Umak Ghaban of the South African Corruption Party are expected to attend the mega-Rand wedding ceremony alongside other associate career criminals, scumbags, scallies and general miscreants from around the basket-case African continent – with the totally bonkers Libyan autocrat - Colonel Muammar Gadaffi - vying to give away the bride and convert her to Islam.
The obese Zuma, a miniature Zulu from the Short-Arsed tribe, was meant to marry his 12-year old fiancée Fellattia Adobe Mingerot last year but the wedding was postponed until he could assemble the demanded ilobolo (dowry) of 12 leopard tails, 6 gorilla’s foreskins, an elephant’s trunk, a giraffe’s front teeth, Channel 4’s talking Dr. Meerkat and an autographed photo of Churchill - the insurance sales hound.
Political critics claim Zuma's upholding of the traditional Zulu practice of polygamy has really pissed off a great many South Africans – of the black, pink and brown varieties – who took exception in 2007 when Zuma’s good buddy – the ex-witch doctor Reverend Silas Chuckabutty – founded his controversial Church of Latter Day Bigamists and the President was first to acclaim the new religion and join its congregation.
(Sanusi Chuckabutty was banished from the ruling inner circle of Zulu elders when his much vaunted 2003 ‘rain dance’ materialised a plague of locusts and he was further held responsible for it causing the ensuing three years of drought)
Zuma, noted for his congenital habit of treating women like cattle, married his first wife Sizzling Kumalot, in 1990, and the fourteenth missus - Nautilus Crocodile - two years ago, maintaining what he claims to be his Shaka Zulu ancestor’s tradition of ‘getting some fresh pussy every year to ensure a good baby crop and maintain the Zuma dynasty’.
According to the official announcement on the ANC’s website: "The traditional wedding of President Jacob Zuma and Fellattia Mingerot tomorrow, 4 January, is a private family ceremony but all wedding presents will be gratefully accepted and can be deposited in de President’s Credit Suisse bank account in Zurich."
South African media are now speculating on rumours that Zuma confided to his inner circle of sycophants and arse-licking cronies that his ‘older’ wives are getting past their shelf lives and use-by dates and might just need ‘recycling’.
Zuma-watchers may well recall his number 7 wife, Mama Gamarouch Zeenat, was tragically killed in 2000 when she was accidentally shot in the back of the head while wife number 3 - Isibumbhu Sharmuta – was shampooing her hair.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Big Al Qaeda Snuffs CIA Spooks
The suicide bomber who killed seven CIA agents during their gym workout at Forward Operating Base Chapman – the main Predator drone launch site in Khost, Afghanistan - was a double agent working for Big Al Qaeda - according to rumours posted on Twitter and the Taliban Dan Gang’s Facebook page.
Incident reports have named the assassin as Dr. Ghaban Ibn Himar, a 96-year-old al-Qaeda sympathiser from Zarqa in Jordan who was arrested by Jordanian intelligence a year ago for tethering his camel in a disabled only parking zone.
Ibn Himar was then reportedly recruited by the Jordanians and CIA - who thought they had successfully turned him into the next Jason Bourne.
He was equipped with a Dick Tracy watch, Stealth self-destruct underwear and exploding shoes - then given a specific mission to locate the true whereabouts of Osama bin Laden and blow up his kidney dialysis machine.
A secondary backup mission is thought to have been tracking down al-Qaeda's number two Anti-Christ - Heyman al-Shitorbust.
So far the CIA has declined to comment on media reports that they screwed up royally – instead blaming this ‘Mother of all Clusterfucks’ on the fact Ibn Himar had purposely lied on his CIA employment application form and tendered false information in his CV.
The sneak suicide bombing at Forward Operating Base Chapman was the worst attack against CIA intelligence officials since the last one took place – which - according to CIA protocols - is still a ‘secret’.
General Billy Bob Ratstamper, Chief of Allied Operations in Afghanistan, told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette that while they strive to train and evolve Muslims into turncoat traitors working against their own people, Ghaban Ibn Himar was not quite what he would classify as true US patriot material – regardless of promises of a US passport and resettlement in California – plus a personal welcome handshake from Governor Arnie Squashanigger.
In keeping with the CIA’s top secret lockdown on all communications, General Ratstamper’s report for the Neocon think tank, the Centre for a New American Security, has now found itself embarrassingly pasted across various internet websites – including Al Jazeera’s online news channel.
The report cites Ratstamper’s remark that the US military and intelligence agencies were "clueless" due to their collective lack of useful intelligence about Afghanistan – and most other places they tend to invade at their Zionist Master’s insistence without pause for thought as to the eventual consequences for illegally attacking and occupying someone else’s sovereign nation on the strength of false flag attack conjured evidence - solely to steal their natural resources.
Gen. Ratstamper maintains that US intelligence in Afghanistan is still "unable to answer fundamental questions about the environment in which US and Allied Shock n Awe forces operate and the ture nature of the duplicitous peasants they are trying to protect and convert to appreciate the everlasting joys of the Christian faith – and Democracy.”
Ratstamper considered this approach diametrically opposed to the reality of the situation - particularly so when troops are heading home daily in body bags – snuffed while guarding fields of glutinous, putrid opium poppies.
According to Western intelligence officials quoted in the reports, Ghaban Ibn Himar and a Syrian triple agent Kess Emakk Sharmuta, contacted the CIA handlers last week to arrange a meeting at Forward Operating Base Chapman in Khost, where Ibn Himar promised to relay urgent information about the planned New Year piss up which Big Al Qaeda, Osama bin Laden and Taliban Dan would attend personally to welcome in 2010.
Once inside the base’s gymnasium, the report claims, Ibn Himar detonated a high explosive Marmite bomb sewn into his Stealth jockey shorts - killing seven CIA employees and his dodgy Afghan handler Mustapha Zeenat – a former greeter at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison.
Critical questions have been raised about how the attacker could have managed to pass through security – which is manned 24/7 by Israeli military contractor ICTS – a Mossad front corporation who some conspiracy theorists might recall also allowed the illusionary 9/11 Muslim terrorists to board their various fatal flights in Boston nine years ago.
The self-same ICTS vetted brain-dead shoe-bomber Richard Reid, then wished him ‘a happy and safe flight’ when he boarded a plane and achieved his fifteen minutes of fame – plus passed our latest terrorist patsy – Nigerian Umar Muttonleg - through all checkpoints at Holland’s Schiphol Airport without a passport on Christmas Day on his flight to Detroit.
To quote Shakespeare – “Something stinks in Denmark – and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.”
Incident reports have named the assassin as Dr. Ghaban Ibn Himar, a 96-year-old al-Qaeda sympathiser from Zarqa in Jordan who was arrested by Jordanian intelligence a year ago for tethering his camel in a disabled only parking zone.
Ibn Himar was then reportedly recruited by the Jordanians and CIA - who thought they had successfully turned him into the next Jason Bourne.
He was equipped with a Dick Tracy watch, Stealth self-destruct underwear and exploding shoes - then given a specific mission to locate the true whereabouts of Osama bin Laden and blow up his kidney dialysis machine.
A secondary backup mission is thought to have been tracking down al-Qaeda's number two Anti-Christ - Heyman al-Shitorbust.
So far the CIA has declined to comment on media reports that they screwed up royally – instead blaming this ‘Mother of all Clusterfucks’ on the fact Ibn Himar had purposely lied on his CIA employment application form and tendered false information in his CV.
The sneak suicide bombing at Forward Operating Base Chapman was the worst attack against CIA intelligence officials since the last one took place – which - according to CIA protocols - is still a ‘secret’.
General Billy Bob Ratstamper, Chief of Allied Operations in Afghanistan, told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette that while they strive to train and evolve Muslims into turncoat traitors working against their own people, Ghaban Ibn Himar was not quite what he would classify as true US patriot material – regardless of promises of a US passport and resettlement in California – plus a personal welcome handshake from Governor Arnie Squashanigger.
In keeping with the CIA’s top secret lockdown on all communications, General Ratstamper’s report for the Neocon think tank, the Centre for a New American Security, has now found itself embarrassingly pasted across various internet websites – including Al Jazeera’s online news channel.
The report cites Ratstamper’s remark that the US military and intelligence agencies were "clueless" due to their collective lack of useful intelligence about Afghanistan – and most other places they tend to invade at their Zionist Master’s insistence without pause for thought as to the eventual consequences for illegally attacking and occupying someone else’s sovereign nation on the strength of false flag attack conjured evidence - solely to steal their natural resources.
Gen. Ratstamper maintains that US intelligence in Afghanistan is still "unable to answer fundamental questions about the environment in which US and Allied Shock n Awe forces operate and the ture nature of the duplicitous peasants they are trying to protect and convert to appreciate the everlasting joys of the Christian faith – and Democracy.”
Ratstamper considered this approach diametrically opposed to the reality of the situation - particularly so when troops are heading home daily in body bags – snuffed while guarding fields of glutinous, putrid opium poppies.
According to Western intelligence officials quoted in the reports, Ghaban Ibn Himar and a Syrian triple agent Kess Emakk Sharmuta, contacted the CIA handlers last week to arrange a meeting at Forward Operating Base Chapman in Khost, where Ibn Himar promised to relay urgent information about the planned New Year piss up which Big Al Qaeda, Osama bin Laden and Taliban Dan would attend personally to welcome in 2010.
Once inside the base’s gymnasium, the report claims, Ibn Himar detonated a high explosive Marmite bomb sewn into his Stealth jockey shorts - killing seven CIA employees and his dodgy Afghan handler Mustapha Zeenat – a former greeter at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison.
Critical questions have been raised about how the attacker could have managed to pass through security – which is manned 24/7 by Israeli military contractor ICTS – a Mossad front corporation who some conspiracy theorists might recall also allowed the illusionary 9/11 Muslim terrorists to board their various fatal flights in Boston nine years ago.
The self-same ICTS vetted brain-dead shoe-bomber Richard Reid, then wished him ‘a happy and safe flight’ when he boarded a plane and achieved his fifteen minutes of fame – plus passed our latest terrorist patsy – Nigerian Umar Muttonleg - through all checkpoints at Holland’s Schiphol Airport without a passport on Christmas Day on his flight to Detroit.
To quote Shakespeare – “Something stinks in Denmark – and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.”
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Tetra Radio Units Cook Plod’s Brains
Smegmadale-on-Sea plods are suing their police force for a variety of weird medical complaints and illnesses allegedly caused by their personal radio sets.
They claim that radiation emissions from the Fuckwit police radio network have left them with a range of ailments including pre-menstrual tension, patent baldness, premature ejaculation, haemorrhoids, enlarged prostates, ingrowing foreskins, galloping scrotum itch and the dreaded Copper’s Elbow.
Smegmashire Police Authority is now seeking legal advice and negotiating with its insurers over compensation claims brought by ambulance-chasing scumbag lawyers representing officers who maintain the terrestrial trunked radio (TETRA) technology is not safe to be used by humans – or any other fucker and their dog.
Scores of civil claims were filed against the force and the suppliers of the controversial equipment have since made changes to prevent “audio anomalies” after affected plods demonstrated before a judge and jury, plus a panel of celebrity chefs – and the Dragons Den investment gurus - how to bake a 800 gram King Edward spud in three minutes between two Tetra radio sets when one was keyed to transmit mode.
The Constabulary has already divvied out several hundred thousand of pounds in compensation to plods who developed brain tumours after using the radios and have requested the Home Office set aside a mega-zillion pound fund to indemnify the risk of future problems.
The system’s adverse effects first came to attention several days after the Smegmadale-on-Sea force were equipped with the Tetra radio units and Constable Barry McNump came into the station after completing his beat and breathlessly declared “Got chest pains, Sarge – and me effin’ brain hurts too” – then promptly dropped dead on the canteen floor without having clocked off.
A post-mortem examination revealed Constable McNump’s pacemaker had overheated and his brain resembled the constituency of a hard boiled egg.
Fuckwit is the name of the system used by officers to contact each other via their TETRA radios. The Fuckwit equipment is supplied via the Home Office contract held jointly by Manky Microwave Systems of Beijing which provides the headsets, and Tumour.com which operates the mobile communications network aspect.
Smegmashire was the first UK police force to pilot the new Fuckwit technology and TETRA radios in 2001. At the time, the federation’s local branch reported 176 users had gone sick in the first week of use.
The Health and Safety Executive was called in but declared there was no link to the radios after receiving a call from Downing Street’s Alastair Scambell to “Get a lid on this mess now – or else I’ll close yer fuckin’ agency down!”
While the New Labour Government paid £29 zillion quid to Lord Levy to negotiate and finance the Fuckwit / Tetra contract with China’s Manky Microwave Systems and the Ukraine-based Tumour.com in 2001 they are predicted to be spending a further £35 zillion on personal injury and death in service compensation claims by the time the all-new replacement digital system of cocoa tins and lengths of string is in place and fully operational – in 2016.
They claim that radiation emissions from the Fuckwit police radio network have left them with a range of ailments including pre-menstrual tension, patent baldness, premature ejaculation, haemorrhoids, enlarged prostates, ingrowing foreskins, galloping scrotum itch and the dreaded Copper’s Elbow.
Smegmashire Police Authority is now seeking legal advice and negotiating with its insurers over compensation claims brought by ambulance-chasing scumbag lawyers representing officers who maintain the terrestrial trunked radio (TETRA) technology is not safe to be used by humans – or any other fucker and their dog.
Scores of civil claims were filed against the force and the suppliers of the controversial equipment have since made changes to prevent “audio anomalies” after affected plods demonstrated before a judge and jury, plus a panel of celebrity chefs – and the Dragons Den investment gurus - how to bake a 800 gram King Edward spud in three minutes between two Tetra radio sets when one was keyed to transmit mode.
The Constabulary has already divvied out several hundred thousand of pounds in compensation to plods who developed brain tumours after using the radios and have requested the Home Office set aside a mega-zillion pound fund to indemnify the risk of future problems.
The system’s adverse effects first came to attention several days after the Smegmadale-on-Sea force were equipped with the Tetra radio units and Constable Barry McNump came into the station after completing his beat and breathlessly declared “Got chest pains, Sarge – and me effin’ brain hurts too” – then promptly dropped dead on the canteen floor without having clocked off.
A post-mortem examination revealed Constable McNump’s pacemaker had overheated and his brain resembled the constituency of a hard boiled egg.
Fuckwit is the name of the system used by officers to contact each other via their TETRA radios. The Fuckwit equipment is supplied via the Home Office contract held jointly by Manky Microwave Systems of Beijing which provides the headsets, and Tumour.com which operates the mobile communications network aspect.
Smegmashire was the first UK police force to pilot the new Fuckwit technology and TETRA radios in 2001. At the time, the federation’s local branch reported 176 users had gone sick in the first week of use.
The Health and Safety Executive was called in but declared there was no link to the radios after receiving a call from Downing Street’s Alastair Scambell to “Get a lid on this mess now – or else I’ll close yer fuckin’ agency down!”
While the New Labour Government paid £29 zillion quid to Lord Levy to negotiate and finance the Fuckwit / Tetra contract with China’s Manky Microwave Systems and the Ukraine-based Tumour.com in 2001 they are predicted to be spending a further £35 zillion on personal injury and death in service compensation claims by the time the all-new replacement digital system of cocoa tins and lengths of string is in place and fully operational – in 2016.
Muslim Fatwa Terrorists Target Cartoonist
Danish police - hot to trot with an adrenalin rush after their recent practice run of indiscriminately brutalising carbon exchange scam demonstrators protesting outside the Copenhagen Global Warming summit – yesterday got the chance for some live round target practice by shooting a Somali Muslim terrorist from the Mogadishu-based Jolly Jihadi militia’s ‘Fatwa Squad’.
Police in the provincial town of Aarshole cornered - then kneecapped - an unemployed Somali pirate at the home of 96-year old cartoonist Klaud Kuntsonn when he charged at them – Berserker-fashion - with a Viking era battleaxe.
It was Kuntsonn’s 2006 cartoon depicting the Prophet Muhammad wearing a bomb-styled turban with a smoking fuse that kick started a series of violent sectarian demonstrations up and down the length and breadth of the known Universe by the Mad Mullahs Brigade that finally ended with millions feared dead and several wounded.
Since this time ranking Imams from across pan-Islam have pronounced a Fatwa (death sentence) on Kuntsonn for his unforgivable crime of blasphemy in depicting an image of Muhammad – forbidden under Islamic law - especially so with the bomb-styled head gear.
Mr Kuntsonn was at home enjoying a quiet evening’s game of ‘rub n tug’ with his personal Albanian pikey masseuse when the maniac African walked across the frozen moat, scaled the drawbridge and broke into the coal cellar armed with a knife and battleaxe.
An armed response team from the local Aarshole police department arrived and shot the looney Somali after Klaus Kuntsonn and his masseuse locked themselves in his safe room and pressed the panic alarm button.
The man, who cannot yet be named for privacy reasons under Danish law (Mustapha bin Madeupname) was charged with attempted murder and assaulting a police vehicle with an axe.
Danish ‘Pet’ secret service official Bobby Shaffto told Fux News the intruder was a 28-year-old Somali linked to the radical Islamist al-Shitbag militia based in Mogadishu – who came to carry out the Fatwa on Kuntsonn and claim the $1 million reward as he was short of money after being made redundant from his piracy job in the run-up to the Christmas holidays.
The assailant, who is currently in the hospital wing of Fuckenheim Immigration Prison due being shot in the kneecaps, told a Pox News interpreter he was on a Boy Scout bob-a-job week exercise and was only carrying the axe so he could chop some firewood for Mr. Kuntsonn.
Conversely Pet agents strip-searched the terrorist suspect in the ambulance carrying him to hospital and discovered he was rigged out with a pair of the all-new Crotch Bomb jockey shorts with a detonating fuse run down one leg and poking out of a hole in his sock.
Forensic examination of the pyrotechnic skiddies revealed they were a North Yemeni counterfeit copy of the famous Jimmy Choo-Choo designer kex impregnated with an Iranian-manufactured high explosive dog shampoo – specifically the Republican Guard ‘Woof Wash’ brand.
Further condemning evidence was obtained when doctors discovered an Arabic Fatwa reward claim form hidden up his rear passage – with the name Salman Rushdie crossed out and Klaus Kuntsonn scribbled over the top - palimpsest-fashion - in pencil.
Police in the provincial town of Aarshole cornered - then kneecapped - an unemployed Somali pirate at the home of 96-year old cartoonist Klaud Kuntsonn when he charged at them – Berserker-fashion - with a Viking era battleaxe.
It was Kuntsonn’s 2006 cartoon depicting the Prophet Muhammad wearing a bomb-styled turban with a smoking fuse that kick started a series of violent sectarian demonstrations up and down the length and breadth of the known Universe by the Mad Mullahs Brigade that finally ended with millions feared dead and several wounded.
Since this time ranking Imams from across pan-Islam have pronounced a Fatwa (death sentence) on Kuntsonn for his unforgivable crime of blasphemy in depicting an image of Muhammad – forbidden under Islamic law - especially so with the bomb-styled head gear.
Mr Kuntsonn was at home enjoying a quiet evening’s game of ‘rub n tug’ with his personal Albanian pikey masseuse when the maniac African walked across the frozen moat, scaled the drawbridge and broke into the coal cellar armed with a knife and battleaxe.
An armed response team from the local Aarshole police department arrived and shot the looney Somali after Klaus Kuntsonn and his masseuse locked themselves in his safe room and pressed the panic alarm button.
The man, who cannot yet be named for privacy reasons under Danish law (Mustapha bin Madeupname) was charged with attempted murder and assaulting a police vehicle with an axe.
Danish ‘Pet’ secret service official Bobby Shaffto told Fux News the intruder was a 28-year-old Somali linked to the radical Islamist al-Shitbag militia based in Mogadishu – who came to carry out the Fatwa on Kuntsonn and claim the $1 million reward as he was short of money after being made redundant from his piracy job in the run-up to the Christmas holidays.
The assailant, who is currently in the hospital wing of Fuckenheim Immigration Prison due being shot in the kneecaps, told a Pox News interpreter he was on a Boy Scout bob-a-job week exercise and was only carrying the axe so he could chop some firewood for Mr. Kuntsonn.
Conversely Pet agents strip-searched the terrorist suspect in the ambulance carrying him to hospital and discovered he was rigged out with a pair of the all-new Crotch Bomb jockey shorts with a detonating fuse run down one leg and poking out of a hole in his sock.
Forensic examination of the pyrotechnic skiddies revealed they were a North Yemeni counterfeit copy of the famous Jimmy Choo-Choo designer kex impregnated with an Iranian-manufactured high explosive dog shampoo – specifically the Republican Guard ‘Woof Wash’ brand.
Further condemning evidence was obtained when doctors discovered an Arabic Fatwa reward claim form hidden up his rear passage – with the name Salman Rushdie crossed out and Klaus Kuntsonn scribbled over the top - palimpsest-fashion - in pencil.
Monday, 4 January 2010
UK’s Longest New Year Party Ends
Patrons celebrating New Year at the highest pub in England enjoyed an extended piss up after heavy snowfall left them stranded in the boozer for three days.
Thirty visitors were making merry and knocking back pints of Bitch Thumper lager and Old Headbanger ale in the Druid’s Minge Tavern atop Smegmadale Tor on New Year's Eve to welcome 2010 – totally unaware that several feet of snow had fallen outside in the run up to mid-night – closing the A666 and the Sheep Shaggers Pass between North Kuntford and Slagfield with seven foot deep snow drifts caused by freezing winds.
The Druid’s Minge stands 1,700 feet (520 metres) above sea level in the Smegmashire Dales and is a popular destination during the summer months due the location of its rear beer garden's Voyeurs View overlooking the scenic valley and meandering River Slug below – and the infamous Dogger’s Wood car park some 150 meters distant.
Pub landlord Ghengis McTwat told Fux News “It were all okay until we ran outa bottled gas an’ the power went off – an’ the jukebox shit itself.”
“No big deal as we chopped up the tables an’ chairs ter burn in the Inglenook fireplace an’ keep ourselves warm. The problem arose two days ago when we ran outa peanuts then crisps and pork scratchings an’ some daft bugger mentioned that there film ‘Alive’ where this bunch of blokes gets stranded on a mountain in the Andes in thick snow an’ they’ve got nowt ter eat – so they get ter munchin’ on their mates.”
“Well, every fucker an’ his dog starts lookin’ over at Toby – the only gay around Smegmadale Tor – little fat sod – an’ lickin’ their lips thinkin’ how tasty he might be in a few days if they got the tummy rumbles an’ starvation started kickin’ in.”
“Next thing Toby jumps up, straps a coupla squash rackets to his feet like, gets his Michelin Man coat on an’ gives us all the finger as he heads for the door – shoutin’ over his shoulder “Fuck you lot – I’m off down ter the shed at Dogger’s Wood an’ find meself a nice warm sheep ter cuddle up ter.”
“Anyways, we all has a bit of a good laugh and then like the Bible’s Gospel of St. Matthew reckons - “Man canna live by bread alone” – we pulled a few more pints as the beer cellar were stocked to the ceiling’ an' got inter a bit of a binge session.”
By the time a local council snow plough and gritter cleared a path to the pub this morning the merry-makers had gone into terminal hangover mode with the only brew remaining in the cellar being 12% ABV Black Pig Sweat draught ale – normally used as a preservative for painting the car park fence.
An application by the Druid’s Minge Tavern landlord – Ghengis McTwat – to have the extended bender entered into the prestigious Guinness Book of World Records was turned down as a New Year party at the Mobsapiss Brewery in Splunk, Eastern Siberia, that kicked off in 1997 - and has been snowed in since - is still going on.
Thirty visitors were making merry and knocking back pints of Bitch Thumper lager and Old Headbanger ale in the Druid’s Minge Tavern atop Smegmadale Tor on New Year's Eve to welcome 2010 – totally unaware that several feet of snow had fallen outside in the run up to mid-night – closing the A666 and the Sheep Shaggers Pass between North Kuntford and Slagfield with seven foot deep snow drifts caused by freezing winds.
The Druid’s Minge stands 1,700 feet (520 metres) above sea level in the Smegmashire Dales and is a popular destination during the summer months due the location of its rear beer garden's Voyeurs View overlooking the scenic valley and meandering River Slug below – and the infamous Dogger’s Wood car park some 150 meters distant.
Pub landlord Ghengis McTwat told Fux News “It were all okay until we ran outa bottled gas an’ the power went off – an’ the jukebox shit itself.”
“No big deal as we chopped up the tables an’ chairs ter burn in the Inglenook fireplace an’ keep ourselves warm. The problem arose two days ago when we ran outa peanuts then crisps and pork scratchings an’ some daft bugger mentioned that there film ‘Alive’ where this bunch of blokes gets stranded on a mountain in the Andes in thick snow an’ they’ve got nowt ter eat – so they get ter munchin’ on their mates.”
“Well, every fucker an’ his dog starts lookin’ over at Toby – the only gay around Smegmadale Tor – little fat sod – an’ lickin’ their lips thinkin’ how tasty he might be in a few days if they got the tummy rumbles an’ starvation started kickin’ in.”
“Next thing Toby jumps up, straps a coupla squash rackets to his feet like, gets his Michelin Man coat on an’ gives us all the finger as he heads for the door – shoutin’ over his shoulder “Fuck you lot – I’m off down ter the shed at Dogger’s Wood an’ find meself a nice warm sheep ter cuddle up ter.”
“Anyways, we all has a bit of a good laugh and then like the Bible’s Gospel of St. Matthew reckons - “Man canna live by bread alone” – we pulled a few more pints as the beer cellar were stocked to the ceiling’ an' got inter a bit of a binge session.”
By the time a local council snow plough and gritter cleared a path to the pub this morning the merry-makers had gone into terminal hangover mode with the only brew remaining in the cellar being 12% ABV Black Pig Sweat draught ale – normally used as a preservative for painting the car park fence.
An application by the Druid’s Minge Tavern landlord – Ghengis McTwat – to have the extended bender entered into the prestigious Guinness Book of World Records was turned down as a New Year party at the Mobsapiss Brewery in Splunk, Eastern Siberia, that kicked off in 1997 - and has been snowed in since - is still going on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)