Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Yep, the banner headline sums it all up in a nutshell – South Wales’ Bellend local authority, in their infinite moronic wisdom, are set to boost the profits of Biffo’s Barf Burger Chew n Spew outlet – and all at the expense of the hapless council tax payers.
At the moment pupils attending the Bellend Asbo Central Academy have to negotiate a hazardous walk via a roadkill festooned grassy verge running adjacent to the busy A69 dual carriageway when going out for their lunchtime nosh. This situation has prompted Head Teacher Candida Mingerot to petition the Bellend Town Council to establish a dedicated footpath along the proposed route between the school and the fast food outlets, to enhance the safety of legions of pupils as they wander aimlessly along the existing makeshift route shortcut with their MP3 players jammed in their ears and eyes fixed on their cellphone texting screens.
In response, the local Mayor, Guiseppe ‘Taffy’ Corruptioni, an Italian immigrant wheelbarrow mechanic who decided to stay in Bellend following the 2007 International Spaghetti Throwing Festival, has taken under consideration the construction of the half-mile footway that will link the school with the retail park’s plethora of chew n spew fast food outlets.
Conversely, critics of both junk food consumption and also reckless council spending on unnecessary and vanity-orientated projects during the UK’s deepening depression, are of the opinion that the link between the school and the fast food joints, that will cost up to £100,000 quid, has not only been approved by Mayor Corruptioni due the fact he’s a governor of Bellend Asbo Central Academy – but damningly the owner of Biffo’s Barf Burger outlet ‘and’ Toxic Tessie’s Septic Shake Centre – and hence his involvement with the aptly named ‘McPuke Path’ represents a direct conflict of interest.
While the path’s supporters claim it will create a safe route to the junk food outlets in the retail park area and the walk provide kids with a spot of well-needed exercise, critics believe it will prompt more pupils to eat burgers, chips and fizzy drinks and thus shun their 5-per-day healthy school meals - which 90% of pupils claim “Tastes like that shit me Mother cooks at home.”
On Monday, at the start of National Childhood Obesity Week, British Dietetic Association spokesman Fellatia Titwank opined to one press hack from the Fat Gits Gazette that the children would benefit far more from staying in school to eat balanced meals.
“So, wot the fuck they gonna eat an’ drink down at the fast food outlets? A fuckin’ big aspartame-laced fizzy drink an’ a shitty MSG-loaded grease burger in between two halves of a bromide-boosted barmcake – followed by a coupla scoops of some shit ice cream - an’ it’s Diabetes 2 in a bag guaranteed by the time they’re 16.”
Hmmm, Jamie Oliver's naked chef innovative 'decent diet' effort obviously didn’t work as the kids still prefer turkey twizzlers from the Greedy Grocer outlets, regardless of the £220 zillion quid spent on the healthy eating school meals project.
Alas, not everyone was a fan of his mission – with a backlash culminating in astonishing scenes at one academy in Smegmadale-on-Sea where parents set up a meals on wheels service delivering fish and chips, burgers and fizzy sugar-fortified drinks to the school and passing them through the railings to their salivating lard-arsed sprogs.
Likewise the children in Bellend were unsurprisingly in favour of the footpath, with Year 11 pupil Chantelle McSlagg, a 15-year old mother of three studying for her GCSE in Welfare Benefit Fraud, telling the media ‘Let’s face it, school dinners are crap – but as long as yer all eat healthy at home an’ have a pizza or a tin of beans of toast every night, then it’s okay.”
“I mean, who the fuck wants to eat lettuce or cucumber or bean sprouts when yer can catch that E-coli thingy from ‘em an’ shit yerself ter death.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
DVLA Go ‘Political Correctness’ Bonkers
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Bazzer McScrunt, 49, a senior seagull strangler with Smegmadale-on-Sea Council, paid £399 quid for a 'BO11 LUX' registration plate from the DVLA’s own website and fitted it to his new gas-guzzling 4 x 4 Rattle Rover SUV.
Parked outside the McScrunt family home at Moron Terraces, friends and family alike found the cheeky plate hilarious – however the laughter was short-lived when, six weeks later, Bazzer received a letter from the DVLA informing him the registration had been cancelled, claiming the plate was causing offence and threatened him with a fine of up to £1,000 nicker if he didn’t comply and remove it immediately – if not sooner.
McScrunt told one press hack from the Pisstake Gazette that "It's effin’ ludicrous, I saw the plate on the DVLA’s own website an' thought it might be a bit of fun to put it on me new motor.”
"Now the twats are threatenin’ to criminalise me cos some old bags from the local Townswomen’s Guild have taken offence cos in their dirty minds the plate’s got this ‘double entendre’ meaning thing an’ can be read as ‘bollocks’.
Ms Fellattia Gammer, the DVLA’s PR spokeswoman, informed the media "We do try to identify combinations that may constitute double entendres with rather risqué to vulgar underlying connotations – which might well cause offence to some prim and proper whingepot or asinine religious group.”
“However, on the rare occasions where potentially offensive numbers slip through the net, steps are taken to cancel the registration number – as in this particular case where the registration has been withdrawn, and Mr McScrunt will receive a full refund for the plate.”
“Really, this isn’t an isolated incident as we had one case last month where the plate on a white Transit van, specifically MX5 ZU2, which has no obvious, nor surreptitious, offensive double meaning in the English language, ushered in a veritable surge of complains from Easter European immigrants and a horde of Polish plumbers as it’s a very abusive swearword in their Cyrillic alphabet language.”
“Now that was one for the books and caused some head scratching as we didn’t know if it was a bunch of dodgy Polacks just taking the piss and having a laugh at out expense.”
“However, we do get our fair share of genuine ‘double entendres’ when someone gets to think about them. How about ‘F4 GOT’ or ‘H8 GAY’ – both very homophobic – just the same as FUD 69 in Scotland - or D1 KES – which actually belonged to a lesbo couple from Middlesex.”
“Then we’ve had CU 4T; FUC U2; EFF 2U; SNO7 TY; FCKU 2 MF; Y1D SS – highly anti-Semitic; P155 OFF; P1G 5TY; - and last but not least - T1T ED5.”
“And it’s not just private individuals in the public arena who file complaints with the DVLA either. When the latest Toyota Crapella 3-door came out last year and the company suffered a nasty spate of recalls due a very worrying ‘mechanical defect’ they requested the cancellation and reissue of the registration plate for their TV advert showroom model ‘PRO8 LEM’ – and the actual ‘problem’ was the accelerator pedals sticking and hapless drivers ending up involved in high speed collisions with non-moveable objects – such as motorway bridges. Not a very conducive registration to encourage sales.”
“Funnily enough, even the Archbishop of Canterbury filed a complaint with us a couple of years ago over the Catholic opposition at St Sodoms Church for Latter Day Pederasts in neighbouring Rough Common, as their priest’s car displayed a registration plate of 666 AN4L.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Bazzer McScrunt, 49, a senior seagull strangler with Smegmadale-on-Sea Council, paid £399 quid for a 'BO11 LUX' registration plate from the DVLA’s own website and fitted it to his new gas-guzzling 4 x 4 Rattle Rover SUV.
Parked outside the McScrunt family home at Moron Terraces, friends and family alike found the cheeky plate hilarious – however the laughter was short-lived when, six weeks later, Bazzer received a letter from the DVLA informing him the registration had been cancelled, claiming the plate was causing offence and threatened him with a fine of up to £1,000 nicker if he didn’t comply and remove it immediately – if not sooner.
McScrunt told one press hack from the Pisstake Gazette that "It's effin’ ludicrous, I saw the plate on the DVLA’s own website an' thought it might be a bit of fun to put it on me new motor.”
"Now the twats are threatenin’ to criminalise me cos some old bags from the local Townswomen’s Guild have taken offence cos in their dirty minds the plate’s got this ‘double entendre’ meaning thing an’ can be read as ‘bollocks’.
Ms Fellattia Gammer, the DVLA’s PR spokeswoman, informed the media "We do try to identify combinations that may constitute double entendres with rather risqué to vulgar underlying connotations – which might well cause offence to some prim and proper whingepot or asinine religious group.”
“However, on the rare occasions where potentially offensive numbers slip through the net, steps are taken to cancel the registration number – as in this particular case where the registration has been withdrawn, and Mr McScrunt will receive a full refund for the plate.”
“Really, this isn’t an isolated incident as we had one case last month where the plate on a white Transit van, specifically MX5 ZU2, which has no obvious, nor surreptitious, offensive double meaning in the English language, ushered in a veritable surge of complains from Easter European immigrants and a horde of Polish plumbers as it’s a very abusive swearword in their Cyrillic alphabet language.”
“Now that was one for the books and caused some head scratching as we didn’t know if it was a bunch of dodgy Polacks just taking the piss and having a laugh at out expense.”
“However, we do get our fair share of genuine ‘double entendres’ when someone gets to think about them. How about ‘F4 GOT’ or ‘H8 GAY’ – both very homophobic – just the same as FUD 69 in Scotland - or D1 KES – which actually belonged to a lesbo couple from Middlesex.”
“Then we’ve had CU 4T; FUC U2; EFF 2U; SNO7 TY; FCKU 2 MF; Y1D SS – highly anti-Semitic; P155 OFF; P1G 5TY; - and last but not least - T1T ED5.”
“And it’s not just private individuals in the public arena who file complaints with the DVLA either. When the latest Toyota Crapella 3-door came out last year and the company suffered a nasty spate of recalls due a very worrying ‘mechanical defect’ they requested the cancellation and reissue of the registration plate for their TV advert showroom model ‘PRO8 LEM’ – and the actual ‘problem’ was the accelerator pedals sticking and hapless drivers ending up involved in high speed collisions with non-moveable objects – such as motorway bridges. Not a very conducive registration to encourage sales.”
“Funnily enough, even the Archbishop of Canterbury filed a complaint with us a couple of years ago over the Catholic opposition at St Sodoms Church for Latter Day Pederasts in neighbouring Rough Common, as their priest’s car displayed a registration plate of 666 AN4L.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
UK Homeless Numbers Set to Soar
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The gospel according to an ultra-top secret Cabinet report leaked to Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, by anarchist moles working inside Shitehall and Downing Street; the UK’s Libservative Coalition PM, Posh Dave Scameron, the Conservative Party’s Chosen One, their Kwizach Haderach – who New Labour’s Ed Millipede has labelled a ‘False Messiah’ and a posturing, privileged prat who still thinks wood grows on trees - as he refers to those of lesser social and educational status than himself as ‘bloody oicks’ - has been warned by his most trusted Falstaffian cabinet minister that the Tory welfare policies risk making 40,000 families homeless and causing an action replay of the 1381 Peasant’s Revolt, staged by reformist agitators fed up with their lot in life and, armed with battle axes and like offensive weapons, saw a legion of erring political heads roll.
Okay, let’s just touch base on that last bit again. It’s not just a top end figure of 40,000 homeless but a ‘further’ 40,000 hapless sods - additional to the 300,000 plus zero ‘roof over the head’ disenfranchised and ‘hidden homeless’ already sofa surfing or living rough on canal banks and landfill sites in cardboard boxes with no electricity, no inside toilet or hot and cold running water; no Sky Sports TV access, nor high speed broadband internet connections, nor Facebook or Twitter, to publish and whinge about their socio-economic plights.
The looming calamity claim is stated in a recent report to Slime Minister Scameron from the office of Eric ‘Cellulite’ Prickles, the Local Communities Secretary, who ate all the pies in the House of Conmans’ canteen last week before Lord ‘Tubby’ Prescott could even get a look in.
Prickles, a former barrage balloon model and the inspiration for the Michelin Man cartoon character, informed one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that his own Parliamentary and local authority research, coupled with feedback from the National Statistics Office, lays bare the private fears harboured by the majority of MPs and council jobsworths with two ounces of common sense in their moronic skulls, of mass homelessness disproportionately impacting on families and initiating a series of very negative and undesirable political consequences.
Thus it is calculated that Prickle’s report will serve to focus on and illuminate the social disaster just waiting to happen, and expose the deep resentment and rifts at the heart of government and inside the Tory High Command’s Coalition ‘Fuhrerbunker’ - which are curently simmering at a critical mass state and ready to erupt in a mega-nuclear chain reaction of political dissent over plans to cap housing benefit at £500 quid a week per family.
The report demonstrates that the estimated £270 million quid budget savings from the housing benefits cap will be wiped out by the necessity to divert resources to help the next batch of freshly-made homeless Albanian, Slovak or Polish immigrants and turn the entire thing into a ‘loss generating scheme’.
The leaked report also makes mention of the damning fact that the 56,00 ‘affordable’ social housing scheme homes the government expects to be constructed by 2015 will now not be built as property developers have woken up to Scameron’s bullshit and realised they’ll be unable to recoup even 50% of the construction costs or market rates from their ‘welfare benefit’ tenants.
So, if Eric Prickles, the Tory MP for East Cholesterol, has experienced a ‘Road to Damascus’ type Pauline conversion and suddenly evolved a moral conscience – or a dread of the outcome of a revolution staged by unemployed radical Bolshie types and generalised anarchists to correct the mistakes of the Libservative Coalition mismanagement and lying politicians basing economic policy on Chaos Theory game plans and a Malthusian Catastrophe subsistence level strategy - and is set to become the Saviour of the disaffected peasant classes via the medium of compiling this report - then we’re all definitely fucked, and up shitcreek without a paddle – or a canoe.
Regardless of Prickles's belief that the benefits cap – announced with great fanfare at last year's Tory conference, and received with enthusiastic raucous applause by the Common Purpose brainwashed party members – will increase the burden on those few still-employed taxpayers, due the obvious fact that zillions of families will be unable to pay their rent and hence be forced to seek local government help – the fact remains that his report blows apart the government's public insistence that a limit on benefit payments will have little impact on homelessness and child poverty – and hence said report will be trash-canned by Posh Dave Scameron’s strategy minders at the Rothshite bankster end of things fiscal and political
To be fair, if the housing benefit allowance isn’t drastically slashed, then how the fuck is Scameron supposed to live up to his fatally flawed promises (no, not the one about holding an EUSSR membership referedum if we all voted for him and he got into office) of pledging a further £814 million quid of British taxpayers’ hard-earned money to a Third World child vaccination programme run by the demented eugenics / Agenda 21 population cull fanatic, Microslop head honcho Bill Gates - taking the UK’s reluctant total contribution to £1.5 zillion nicker?
Then too we have Cabbage Patch Dave’s further pledge of £38 zillion quid to provide food for one and a half million scabby Ethiopians for three months as they’re apparently facing the worst drought to hit the African shithole since the last drought.
Disregarding opposition shouts of “Charity should begin at home!” Scameron replied “But these people are starving!”
Of course they’re fucking starving – they’re living in the middle of a fucking desert. Any fucker or their dog who decides to go off the radar and live in a desert’s got a pretty good chance of starving.
Why give them any money – just relocate them all to Poland – that place is nigh on vacant of population as they’re all over in the UK working for minimum wage, driving stolen white vans and posing as plumbers – and poaching out carp and the Royal swans.
Thought for the day: If you’re likely to be made homeless once the bank, building society or credit card company – or local council send the bailiffs round to kick your front door in and evict you for non-payment of whatever, enter our online quiz and you could stand a chance of winning a year’s-worth of free bed and breakfast at some homophobic slum miles away from your nearest Jobcenter.
All you have to do to enter is look at the Eric ‘Mr Creosote’ Prickles – your friendly Communities Minister - photo below and guess how many double chins he has. ? Is it more than John ‘Two-Slags’ Prescott? Is it more than Ken Clarke’s? Is it 3 – or 6 – or 10 – or 12?
Go on , have a go, even if you get it right, it won’t be logged down as ‘treasonable’.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
The gospel according to an ultra-top secret Cabinet report leaked to Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, by anarchist moles working inside Shitehall and Downing Street; the UK’s Libservative Coalition PM, Posh Dave Scameron, the Conservative Party’s Chosen One, their Kwizach Haderach – who New Labour’s Ed Millipede has labelled a ‘False Messiah’ and a posturing, privileged prat who still thinks wood grows on trees - as he refers to those of lesser social and educational status than himself as ‘bloody oicks’ - has been warned by his most trusted Falstaffian cabinet minister that the Tory welfare policies risk making 40,000 families homeless and causing an action replay of the 1381 Peasant’s Revolt, staged by reformist agitators fed up with their lot in life and, armed with battle axes and like offensive weapons, saw a legion of erring political heads roll.
Okay, let’s just touch base on that last bit again. It’s not just a top end figure of 40,000 homeless but a ‘further’ 40,000 hapless sods - additional to the 300,000 plus zero ‘roof over the head’ disenfranchised and ‘hidden homeless’ already sofa surfing or living rough on canal banks and landfill sites in cardboard boxes with no electricity, no inside toilet or hot and cold running water; no Sky Sports TV access, nor high speed broadband internet connections, nor Facebook or Twitter, to publish and whinge about their socio-economic plights.
The looming calamity claim is stated in a recent report to Slime Minister Scameron from the office of Eric ‘Cellulite’ Prickles, the Local Communities Secretary, who ate all the pies in the House of Conmans’ canteen last week before Lord ‘Tubby’ Prescott could even get a look in.
Prickles, a former barrage balloon model and the inspiration for the Michelin Man cartoon character, informed one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that his own Parliamentary and local authority research, coupled with feedback from the National Statistics Office, lays bare the private fears harboured by the majority of MPs and council jobsworths with two ounces of common sense in their moronic skulls, of mass homelessness disproportionately impacting on families and initiating a series of very negative and undesirable political consequences.
Thus it is calculated that Prickle’s report will serve to focus on and illuminate the social disaster just waiting to happen, and expose the deep resentment and rifts at the heart of government and inside the Tory High Command’s Coalition ‘Fuhrerbunker’ - which are curently simmering at a critical mass state and ready to erupt in a mega-nuclear chain reaction of political dissent over plans to cap housing benefit at £500 quid a week per family.
The report demonstrates that the estimated £270 million quid budget savings from the housing benefits cap will be wiped out by the necessity to divert resources to help the next batch of freshly-made homeless Albanian, Slovak or Polish immigrants and turn the entire thing into a ‘loss generating scheme’.
The leaked report also makes mention of the damning fact that the 56,00 ‘affordable’ social housing scheme homes the government expects to be constructed by 2015 will now not be built as property developers have woken up to Scameron’s bullshit and realised they’ll be unable to recoup even 50% of the construction costs or market rates from their ‘welfare benefit’ tenants.
So, if Eric Prickles, the Tory MP for East Cholesterol, has experienced a ‘Road to Damascus’ type Pauline conversion and suddenly evolved a moral conscience – or a dread of the outcome of a revolution staged by unemployed radical Bolshie types and generalised anarchists to correct the mistakes of the Libservative Coalition mismanagement and lying politicians basing economic policy on Chaos Theory game plans and a Malthusian Catastrophe subsistence level strategy - and is set to become the Saviour of the disaffected peasant classes via the medium of compiling this report - then we’re all definitely fucked, and up shitcreek without a paddle – or a canoe.
Regardless of Prickles's belief that the benefits cap – announced with great fanfare at last year's Tory conference, and received with enthusiastic raucous applause by the Common Purpose brainwashed party members – will increase the burden on those few still-employed taxpayers, due the obvious fact that zillions of families will be unable to pay their rent and hence be forced to seek local government help – the fact remains that his report blows apart the government's public insistence that a limit on benefit payments will have little impact on homelessness and child poverty – and hence said report will be trash-canned by Posh Dave Scameron’s strategy minders at the Rothshite bankster end of things fiscal and political
To be fair, if the housing benefit allowance isn’t drastically slashed, then how the fuck is Scameron supposed to live up to his fatally flawed promises (no, not the one about holding an EUSSR membership referedum if we all voted for him and he got into office) of pledging a further £814 million quid of British taxpayers’ hard-earned money to a Third World child vaccination programme run by the demented eugenics / Agenda 21 population cull fanatic, Microslop head honcho Bill Gates - taking the UK’s reluctant total contribution to £1.5 zillion nicker?
Then too we have Cabbage Patch Dave’s further pledge of £38 zillion quid to provide food for one and a half million scabby Ethiopians for three months as they’re apparently facing the worst drought to hit the African shithole since the last drought.
Disregarding opposition shouts of “Charity should begin at home!” Scameron replied “But these people are starving!”
Of course they’re fucking starving – they’re living in the middle of a fucking desert. Any fucker or their dog who decides to go off the radar and live in a desert’s got a pretty good chance of starving.
Why give them any money – just relocate them all to Poland – that place is nigh on vacant of population as they’re all over in the UK working for minimum wage, driving stolen white vans and posing as plumbers – and poaching out carp and the Royal swans.
Thought for the day: If you’re likely to be made homeless once the bank, building society or credit card company – or local council send the bailiffs round to kick your front door in and evict you for non-payment of whatever, enter our online quiz and you could stand a chance of winning a year’s-worth of free bed and breakfast at some homophobic slum miles away from your nearest Jobcenter.
All you have to do to enter is look at the Eric ‘Mr Creosote’ Prickles – your friendly Communities Minister - photo below and guess how many double chins he has. ? Is it more than John ‘Two-Slags’ Prescott? Is it more than Ken Clarke’s? Is it 3 – or 6 – or 10 – or 12?
Go on , have a go, even if you get it right, it won’t be logged down as ‘treasonable’.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Monday, 4 July 2011
Libservatives Cover Up Nuke Radiation Risks
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Moles with a socio-moral conscience at the UK Atomic Energy Authority, working undercover for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers government abuse watchdog, have revealed a situation that can quite fairly be branded as an act of criminal collusion, wherein a dodgy cabal of British government officials – aka ‘parties of self-interest’ - approached nuclear industry corporations to draw up a co-ordinated public relations propaganda strategy with the deceptive and venal intention of minimising, if not wholly subverting, the contamination scenario factors of the Fuckupshima nuclear accident a mere two days after the HAARP-generated tsunami hit the coastal power station site - and before the devastating extent of the deadly radiation leaks was known.
Pirated e-mails passed on to Ox-Rat, Greenpeace and the Daily Shitraker reveal how the Libservative Coalition government’s business and energy departments, along with the UK Atomic Energy Authority, schemed conspiratorially behind the scenes with nuke lobbyists and multinational companies EDF Energy, Areva, BigCock, General Electric and Westin-Shithouse to ensure the accident did not derail Lord Rothshite’s money-spinning plans for a new generation of nuclear power stations to be constructed in the UK.
"This fubar at Fuckupshima has the potential to set the nuclear industry on its arse", wrote Sir Irwin Bogbrush, head honcho at the Ministry for Coverups & Whitewash. "We need to ensure none of these anti-nuke and Luddite Bolshie bastard anarchists, like that twat Julian Blancmange at WickedLeaks, find out the truth of how bad the Japanese situation is - and thus maintain our ‘nuclear safety - power for the future’ façade.”
“Hence the spin doctors and PR oicks need to get their arses into gear like a lizard drinking - and censor calumnious video footage of slants wandering around with big scabby lesions on their faces – or any fucker and their dog haemorrhaging from their bodily orifices.”
“I mean, we don’t want photos of massive fish kills getting washed up on the beach – looking like the three-eyed Blinkie - or some whingeing sod caught on camera bleeding from their ears and nostrils, with teeth and clumps of hair falling out – or kids glowing in the dark – all appearing on News at Six, now do we.”
The Fuckupshima nuclear power station calamity forced 80,000 Japanese peasants from their homes, with recent opinion polls revealing that the incident has traumatised the British public into ‘shitting kittens’ anxiety mode concerning the thought of having a nuclear power station within blast radius distance of their homes - with the governments of Germany, Italy, Switzerland, Thailand and Malaysia cancelling planned nuclear power stations in the wake of the Dai Nippon disaster.
Chlamydia Slutchins, a spokeswoman for Greenpeace, informed one press hack from the Mushroom Cloud Gazette that the batch of leaked e-mails presented a portrait of scandalous collusion which highlighted Cabbage Patch Dave Scameron’s blind obsession with nuclear power and demonstrated that neither the Libservative government, nor the industry, can be trusted when it comes to things radioactive - stating for the public record “Scameron’s true political constituency isn’t the Borough of Shitney, but the Fortune 500 company index.”
Ms Slutchins continued "The government has no business doing PR lobbying for the nuclear industry and it’s appalling that their departments have played down the environmental impact of Fuckupshima that’s going to be poking its nasty insta-tumour half life head up for tens of thousands of years to come.”
“Personally I’m pointing the fickle finger of fate at the UK Atomic Energy Authority – which is now an executive non-departmental public body within the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills thanks to old Vermin in Ermine, Lord Peter Scandalson and that conniving and manipulative networking bitch Barbara Sludge
and her time as the Chief Bene Gesserit Witch at the UKAEA.”
“I mean to say, who can trust money-grubbing slappers like Barbara Sludge not to have conflicts of interest when they’ve got more directorships than you can shake a stick at - and are Governor or Chairslag or some other high-faluting panjandrum title involved in everything from the Slumborough Hamlets Pothole Patching Project to ‘Honorary Warden’ of Scumdale Cats Home.”
Conversely, Broken Britain’s Ministry for Coverups & Whitewash had e-mailed the nuclear firms and their representative body, the Nuclear Industry Association (NIA) on the 13th March, two days after the disaster made a total bollocks of the nuclear reactors and their pre-compromised backup ‘safety systems’ (sic) at Fuckupshima – arguing things weren’t anywhere near as bad as the over-dramatised and hysterical TV pictures made it look, even though the consequences of the accident were still unfolding and two engineered ‘hydrogen gas’ explosions at reactors on the site were yet to go ‘Ka-fucking-Boom!
Luckily Professor Maynard Spatchcock of the UKAEA was on hand to soothe troubled waters and boost the propaganda cover-up for the media by stating “Good grief, radioactivity - you can’t even see the bloody stuff as it’s microscopic – what we science boffins refer to as ‘very, very small’. So, no worries, it’s a bit like a common cold – you catch it, sneeze a bit, then you’re okay after a few days playing the old couch potato trick – stuck in front of the telly eating crisps and watching Wimbledon.”
“Simply don’t believe all this rubbish about it being carcinogenic and your future kids having two heads - that’s comes from all these post-Apocalyptic movies you people are addicted to. Just look at the gardens around Chernobyl now, all that nice radioactivity’s got the peasants growing tomatoes the size of footballs.”
Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Thought for the day: Not one iota, a single micro-nano particle of radioactive material – explosively atomised Depleted Uranium munitions in particular – and Plutonium specifically - can be safely absorbed nor neutralised by a living organism – especially so the Homo Sapiens end of the mammalian taxonomy. It gets into the genetic DNA and fucks everything up, so bollocks to what the government say – go back to firewood and your friendly neighbourhood coalman.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Moles with a socio-moral conscience at the UK Atomic Energy Authority, working undercover for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers government abuse watchdog, have revealed a situation that can quite fairly be branded as an act of criminal collusion, wherein a dodgy cabal of British government officials – aka ‘parties of self-interest’ - approached nuclear industry corporations to draw up a co-ordinated public relations propaganda strategy with the deceptive and venal intention of minimising, if not wholly subverting, the contamination scenario factors of the Fuckupshima nuclear accident a mere two days after the HAARP-generated tsunami hit the coastal power station site - and before the devastating extent of the deadly radiation leaks was known.
Pirated e-mails passed on to Ox-Rat, Greenpeace and the Daily Shitraker reveal how the Libservative Coalition government’s business and energy departments, along with the UK Atomic Energy Authority, schemed conspiratorially behind the scenes with nuke lobbyists and multinational companies EDF Energy, Areva, BigCock, General Electric and Westin-Shithouse to ensure the accident did not derail Lord Rothshite’s money-spinning plans for a new generation of nuclear power stations to be constructed in the UK.
"This fubar at Fuckupshima has the potential to set the nuclear industry on its arse", wrote Sir Irwin Bogbrush, head honcho at the Ministry for Coverups & Whitewash. "We need to ensure none of these anti-nuke and Luddite Bolshie bastard anarchists, like that twat Julian Blancmange at WickedLeaks, find out the truth of how bad the Japanese situation is - and thus maintain our ‘nuclear safety - power for the future’ façade.”
“Hence the spin doctors and PR oicks need to get their arses into gear like a lizard drinking - and censor calumnious video footage of slants wandering around with big scabby lesions on their faces – or any fucker and their dog haemorrhaging from their bodily orifices.”
“I mean, we don’t want photos of massive fish kills getting washed up on the beach – looking like the three-eyed Blinkie - or some whingeing sod caught on camera bleeding from their ears and nostrils, with teeth and clumps of hair falling out – or kids glowing in the dark – all appearing on News at Six, now do we.”
The Fuckupshima nuclear power station calamity forced 80,000 Japanese peasants from their homes, with recent opinion polls revealing that the incident has traumatised the British public into ‘shitting kittens’ anxiety mode concerning the thought of having a nuclear power station within blast radius distance of their homes - with the governments of Germany, Italy, Switzerland, Thailand and Malaysia cancelling planned nuclear power stations in the wake of the Dai Nippon disaster.
Chlamydia Slutchins, a spokeswoman for Greenpeace, informed one press hack from the Mushroom Cloud Gazette that the batch of leaked e-mails presented a portrait of scandalous collusion which highlighted Cabbage Patch Dave Scameron’s blind obsession with nuclear power and demonstrated that neither the Libservative government, nor the industry, can be trusted when it comes to things radioactive - stating for the public record “Scameron’s true political constituency isn’t the Borough of Shitney, but the Fortune 500 company index.”
Ms Slutchins continued "The government has no business doing PR lobbying for the nuclear industry and it’s appalling that their departments have played down the environmental impact of Fuckupshima that’s going to be poking its nasty insta-tumour half life head up for tens of thousands of years to come.”
“Personally I’m pointing the fickle finger of fate at the UK Atomic Energy Authority – which is now an executive non-departmental public body within the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills thanks to old Vermin in Ermine, Lord Peter Scandalson and that conniving and manipulative networking bitch Barbara Sludge
and her time as the Chief Bene Gesserit Witch at the UKAEA.”
“I mean to say, who can trust money-grubbing slappers like Barbara Sludge not to have conflicts of interest when they’ve got more directorships than you can shake a stick at - and are Governor or Chairslag or some other high-faluting panjandrum title involved in everything from the Slumborough Hamlets Pothole Patching Project to ‘Honorary Warden’ of Scumdale Cats Home.”
Conversely, Broken Britain’s Ministry for Coverups & Whitewash had e-mailed the nuclear firms and their representative body, the Nuclear Industry Association (NIA) on the 13th March, two days after the disaster made a total bollocks of the nuclear reactors and their pre-compromised backup ‘safety systems’ (sic) at Fuckupshima – arguing things weren’t anywhere near as bad as the over-dramatised and hysterical TV pictures made it look, even though the consequences of the accident were still unfolding and two engineered ‘hydrogen gas’ explosions at reactors on the site were yet to go ‘Ka-fucking-Boom!
Luckily Professor Maynard Spatchcock of the UKAEA was on hand to soothe troubled waters and boost the propaganda cover-up for the media by stating “Good grief, radioactivity - you can’t even see the bloody stuff as it’s microscopic – what we science boffins refer to as ‘very, very small’. So, no worries, it’s a bit like a common cold – you catch it, sneeze a bit, then you’re okay after a few days playing the old couch potato trick – stuck in front of the telly eating crisps and watching Wimbledon.”
“Simply don’t believe all this rubbish about it being carcinogenic and your future kids having two heads - that’s comes from all these post-Apocalyptic movies you people are addicted to. Just look at the gardens around Chernobyl now, all that nice radioactivity’s got the peasants growing tomatoes the size of footballs.”
Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Thought for the day: Not one iota, a single micro-nano particle of radioactive material – explosively atomised Depleted Uranium munitions in particular – and Plutonium specifically - can be safely absorbed nor neutralised by a living organism – especially so the Homo Sapiens end of the mammalian taxonomy. It gets into the genetic DNA and fucks everything up, so bollocks to what the government say – go back to firewood and your friendly neighbourhood coalman.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Arrogant Frogs Breach UN Resolutions
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
So typical of France’s unqualified arrogance, and in a display of brazen hubris that almost (but not quite) surpasses Israel’s blatant disregard for human rights and International Law, the ‘Mini Me’ dwarf Frog President, Nicky Sarkozy, has criminally breached the provisions of the conspiratorially-concocted UN Security Council Resolutions 1970 and 1973 – limiting actions against the established and legitimate government of Libya to creating a ’No-Fly’ zone by spraying the country with Raid and Baygon insect killer – under the guise of ‘humanitarian intervention’ to protect the civilian population (which they’re now bombing with their not-so-smart bombs – along with strafing rebel convoys with Shitehawk missiles just for good measure).
After being caught red-handed, France has been forced to admit to supplying arms to the rebel mobs operating out of eastern Libya, while their NATO ally Broken Britain has decided not to follow suit just in case they too get branded with the War Crimes ‘Mark of Cain’ stigma for deliberately violating the UN Security Council mandate.
Conversely the supercilious French ambassador to the United Nations, Gerard Le Twatte, a former Marseille pimp and total ‘gorf’ (backward ‘frog’), informed one gutter press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that his country’s air drop delivery of arms to the mountainous Nafusa province to re-equip the rebels in control of the festering shitpit city of Benghazi was not in breach of the Security Council resolution that established an arms embargo to Libya.
“We decided to provide self-defence weapons to the civilian populations via the ‘humanitarian intervention’ clause as we considered these non-combatant types were under threat with having no guns of their own.”
French General Staff Colonel Thierry Fuckwitt, told the Black Propaganda Review that the shipments were essentially support ordnance such as load n lock chastity belts to help female civilians protect themselves against the Gaddafi regime’s randy rapist troops from the 21st Viagra Rifle Brigade.
Meanwhile, African leaders are concerned by French arms deliveries to Libyan rebels, fearing weapons could end up in the hands of the Al Qaeda terrorists imported by the United States government and Israel to support the useless Transitional National Council – a proliferation they fear could well be turned against moderate African Islamic state governments – and also smuggled to Jolly Jihad Islamic terror cells in Europe.
Mr Wormhole Jaffacake, the Foreign Secretary of the Republic of Mali told media hacks “Dis am all gonna go tits up in a big way. Jest you blokes wait until dem black pepper an’ bleach bombs start going Ka-fuckin’ Boom!’ under all dem Metrolink trams an’ tube trains around Europe when the Big Al Qaeda Gang decide it’s time for some of dat old time payback.”
However, Libya’s illiterate opposition leader, Liwat ibn Zamel, told a reporter from the Neo-Colonial Weekly that the rebels need more heavy weapons, such as battle tanks, Apache gunships – and tactical nuclear devices - plus lots and lots of ready cash funding and not the crap that Broken Britain was offering.
France has, in its infinite stupidity and via fractured logic, announced that foreign deliveries of military hardware would provide the rebels with the upper hand and a chance to decide this battle quickly – and spill as little blood as possible.
Apparently the closet case British Foreign Secretary Willy Vague had announced that the UK was offering “as many body bags as you need” – along with 5,000 sets of Pound Stretcher body armour and 6,650 Toys-R-Us ‘Action Man’ uniforms – plus 1,000 Milo cocoa can and string field communication sets (tried and tested in the Great War trenches) – and a further HSE-approved 5,000 high-visibility vests and hard hats – ideal for Gaddafi’s snipers to target rebel scallies.
Thought for the day: Fuck NATO and the crooked UN, and the US Bio-Tech / Military-Industrial cabal’s Project for a New American Century - and their ZioNazi’s New World Order - and the Rothshite-scribed Protocols of the Greedy Bastard Elders of Zion.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
So typical of France’s unqualified arrogance, and in a display of brazen hubris that almost (but not quite) surpasses Israel’s blatant disregard for human rights and International Law, the ‘Mini Me’ dwarf Frog President, Nicky Sarkozy, has criminally breached the provisions of the conspiratorially-concocted UN Security Council Resolutions 1970 and 1973 – limiting actions against the established and legitimate government of Libya to creating a ’No-Fly’ zone by spraying the country with Raid and Baygon insect killer – under the guise of ‘humanitarian intervention’ to protect the civilian population (which they’re now bombing with their not-so-smart bombs – along with strafing rebel convoys with Shitehawk missiles just for good measure).
After being caught red-handed, France has been forced to admit to supplying arms to the rebel mobs operating out of eastern Libya, while their NATO ally Broken Britain has decided not to follow suit just in case they too get branded with the War Crimes ‘Mark of Cain’ stigma for deliberately violating the UN Security Council mandate.
Conversely the supercilious French ambassador to the United Nations, Gerard Le Twatte, a former Marseille pimp and total ‘gorf’ (backward ‘frog’), informed one gutter press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that his country’s air drop delivery of arms to the mountainous Nafusa province to re-equip the rebels in control of the festering shitpit city of Benghazi was not in breach of the Security Council resolution that established an arms embargo to Libya.
“We decided to provide self-defence weapons to the civilian populations via the ‘humanitarian intervention’ clause as we considered these non-combatant types were under threat with having no guns of their own.”
French General Staff Colonel Thierry Fuckwitt, told the Black Propaganda Review that the shipments were essentially support ordnance such as load n lock chastity belts to help female civilians protect themselves against the Gaddafi regime’s randy rapist troops from the 21st Viagra Rifle Brigade.
Meanwhile, African leaders are concerned by French arms deliveries to Libyan rebels, fearing weapons could end up in the hands of the Al Qaeda terrorists imported by the United States government and Israel to support the useless Transitional National Council – a proliferation they fear could well be turned against moderate African Islamic state governments – and also smuggled to Jolly Jihad Islamic terror cells in Europe.
Mr Wormhole Jaffacake, the Foreign Secretary of the Republic of Mali told media hacks “Dis am all gonna go tits up in a big way. Jest you blokes wait until dem black pepper an’ bleach bombs start going Ka-fuckin’ Boom!’ under all dem Metrolink trams an’ tube trains around Europe when the Big Al Qaeda Gang decide it’s time for some of dat old time payback.”
However, Libya’s illiterate opposition leader, Liwat ibn Zamel, told a reporter from the Neo-Colonial Weekly that the rebels need more heavy weapons, such as battle tanks, Apache gunships – and tactical nuclear devices - plus lots and lots of ready cash funding and not the crap that Broken Britain was offering.
France has, in its infinite stupidity and via fractured logic, announced that foreign deliveries of military hardware would provide the rebels with the upper hand and a chance to decide this battle quickly – and spill as little blood as possible.
Apparently the closet case British Foreign Secretary Willy Vague had announced that the UK was offering “as many body bags as you need” – along with 5,000 sets of Pound Stretcher body armour and 6,650 Toys-R-Us ‘Action Man’ uniforms – plus 1,000 Milo cocoa can and string field communication sets (tried and tested in the Great War trenches) – and a further HSE-approved 5,000 high-visibility vests and hard hats – ideal for Gaddafi’s snipers to target rebel scallies.
Thought for the day: Fuck NATO and the crooked UN, and the US Bio-Tech / Military-Industrial cabal’s Project for a New American Century - and their ZioNazi’s New World Order - and the Rothshite-scribed Protocols of the Greedy Bastard Elders of Zion.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Saturday, 2 July 2011
Yobette Witches Slapped With Asbos
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Two teenage girls who have been libellously labelled by red top tabloid hacks from the British gutter press as the "Shitebirk Witches" were yesterday slapped with ‘At Her Majesty’s Pleasure’ anti-social behaviour orders (Asbos) for terrorising their neighbourhood with plagues of famine and pestilence on a level not seen since Moses had a fall-out with the 19th Dynasty Pharaoh Ramses II and put the mockers on the Egyptians.
The sitting Stipendiary Magistrate, Mrs Chlamydia Ffinch-Gargoyle, heard police evidence against Feral Beryl McGammer and Toxic Tessie Titwank who stood accused of causing a spate of Biblical scale problems for people living on the Shitebirk Hamlets sink or swim council housing estate at Slagborough Sands, which included summoning up demons and waging a weather war against the community by causing floods with their hip-hop rain dances and setting the local Jobcentre on fire with a bolt of lightning.
WPC Candida Muffitch of Slagborough Sands Police’s ‘Black Magic Unit’ gave testimony in court of the pair and various accomplices terrorising the Shitebirk Hamlets area with their low-flying broomstick antics, such as kicking resident’s Sky satellite dishes and TV antennas off the chimney stacks as they flew past – and in which one such episode a member of their coven, a certain 14-year old Mingeeter Slapperotti, while towing a ‘Lesbo Sisters Rule’ banner behind her broom, collided with telephone wires and plummeted to her death.
WPC Muffitch informed the court under oath that the arrest of Titwank and McGammer, the coven’s ringleaders, came after an incident at a Slagborough Sands pop concert in May, during a performance by Gladys Gorgon & the Grottmeisters, when the lead singer Gladys burst into flames and spontaneously combusted after Ms Titwank tossed a needle-encrusted voodoo doll effigy of Gladys onto the stage with a ‘Burn, baby, burn – yer croakin’ cunt!’ label pinned to its back.
WPC Muffitch added “Ms Titwank initially denied any involvement with the incident, but after several sessions on the ducking stool then a night in the local pillory – and getting buggered by Father McSodom - she confessed all.”
Conversely, and in their defence, Ms Titwank - a fifteen year old mother of three, who is currently undertaking a Open University home study course, translating the Kabbala from 3rd Century BCE Aramaic into Chav-speak Euro-English while also attending Slagborough Sands Central Academy to obtain an NVQ1 diploma in Welfare Benefit Fraud - told media reporters that “We woz only havin’ a bit of fun an’ castin’ a few spells fer a laugh out of this book of Witchcraft we got from the library.”
“All our mates woz real inter this sorta thing so we started up our own coven one night an’ swore a blood oath pact while we woz all pissed as rats an’ outa our effin’ heads down at Troublespot Taverns guzzling back bottles of Meths Breezers and Migrane Mixers.”
Evidence exhibits seized by the Plod Squad’s ‘Black Magic Unit’ when they raided the coven's den at Skanger Terraces included several tubes of Boots Wart Remover, a litter of mangy black kittens - plus jars containing newt’s eyes, toad’s tongues, bat’s wings, rabbits foot charms – and a rabbi’s foreskin.
Do you live in the Shitebirk Hamlets area? Have you been cursed or possessed by demons lately? Any recollections of nocturnal visits by a sexy succubus? Did you know you can get a free exorcism on the NHS?
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a Hogsnorts t-shirt and free tickets to the latest Harry Snotter film premier.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Two teenage girls who have been libellously labelled by red top tabloid hacks from the British gutter press as the "Shitebirk Witches" were yesterday slapped with ‘At Her Majesty’s Pleasure’ anti-social behaviour orders (Asbos) for terrorising their neighbourhood with plagues of famine and pestilence on a level not seen since Moses had a fall-out with the 19th Dynasty Pharaoh Ramses II and put the mockers on the Egyptians.
The sitting Stipendiary Magistrate, Mrs Chlamydia Ffinch-Gargoyle, heard police evidence against Feral Beryl McGammer and Toxic Tessie Titwank who stood accused of causing a spate of Biblical scale problems for people living on the Shitebirk Hamlets sink or swim council housing estate at Slagborough Sands, which included summoning up demons and waging a weather war against the community by causing floods with their hip-hop rain dances and setting the local Jobcentre on fire with a bolt of lightning.
WPC Candida Muffitch of Slagborough Sands Police’s ‘Black Magic Unit’ gave testimony in court of the pair and various accomplices terrorising the Shitebirk Hamlets area with their low-flying broomstick antics, such as kicking resident’s Sky satellite dishes and TV antennas off the chimney stacks as they flew past – and in which one such episode a member of their coven, a certain 14-year old Mingeeter Slapperotti, while towing a ‘Lesbo Sisters Rule’ banner behind her broom, collided with telephone wires and plummeted to her death.
WPC Muffitch informed the court under oath that the arrest of Titwank and McGammer, the coven’s ringleaders, came after an incident at a Slagborough Sands pop concert in May, during a performance by Gladys Gorgon & the Grottmeisters, when the lead singer Gladys burst into flames and spontaneously combusted after Ms Titwank tossed a needle-encrusted voodoo doll effigy of Gladys onto the stage with a ‘Burn, baby, burn – yer croakin’ cunt!’ label pinned to its back.
WPC Muffitch added “Ms Titwank initially denied any involvement with the incident, but after several sessions on the ducking stool then a night in the local pillory – and getting buggered by Father McSodom - she confessed all.”
Conversely, and in their defence, Ms Titwank - a fifteen year old mother of three, who is currently undertaking a Open University home study course, translating the Kabbala from 3rd Century BCE Aramaic into Chav-speak Euro-English while also attending Slagborough Sands Central Academy to obtain an NVQ1 diploma in Welfare Benefit Fraud - told media reporters that “We woz only havin’ a bit of fun an’ castin’ a few spells fer a laugh out of this book of Witchcraft we got from the library.”
“All our mates woz real inter this sorta thing so we started up our own coven one night an’ swore a blood oath pact while we woz all pissed as rats an’ outa our effin’ heads down at Troublespot Taverns guzzling back bottles of Meths Breezers and Migrane Mixers.”
Evidence exhibits seized by the Plod Squad’s ‘Black Magic Unit’ when they raided the coven's den at Skanger Terraces included several tubes of Boots Wart Remover, a litter of mangy black kittens - plus jars containing newt’s eyes, toad’s tongues, bat’s wings, rabbits foot charms – and a rabbi’s foreskin.
Do you live in the Shitebirk Hamlets area? Have you been cursed or possessed by demons lately? Any recollections of nocturnal visits by a sexy succubus? Did you know you can get a free exorcism on the NHS?
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a Hogsnorts t-shirt and free tickets to the latest Harry Snotter film premier.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
Friday, 1 July 2011
Clarke Okays Snuffing Scallies
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The UK Libservative Coalition government’s Justice Secretary, Ken ‘Who ate all the Pies’ Clarke, the Tory MP for Tushycliffe, has today clarified the law on self defence, stating for the public record that in his book it’s perfectly acceptable by polite society standards to snuff burglars and any other pikey scally who threatens your person or property, opining to one gutter press hack from the Payback Gazette that “Go on, I say, hit the bastards with a poker – or stab them with the bread knife. Cat burglars, dog burglars – all the bloody lot and serves the sods right for going thieving and not having a honest job like me.”
Clarke informed the media that while the Libservative Coalition government were not encouraging vigilantism or lynch mobs - nor did they wish ‘burglar snuffing’ to become a national pastime – (such as jaywalking and bumping into lamp posts and walls while texting on a cellphone) - they would be legalising such actions in his forthcoming ‘Anti-Scrote Bill’ which is aimed at clarifying and ensuring the legal rights of home-owners to defend themselves and their property against acts of violent trespass and theft.
The Justice Secretary maintains that the public are entitled to use whatever force is necessary to protect their homes and a householder who beats a burglar to death with a pickaxe shaft or baseball bat would not have committed a criminal offence – although he did mention that “However, the Plod Squad will definitely be frowning on any burglars or like-minded skangers shot or stabbed in the back while trying to escape a property owner’s wrath.”
PM Posh Dave Scameron recently announced for the public record that the issue should be put "beyond doubt" – as under the conflicting statutes and terms of the 2008 Criminal Justice and Immigration Act homeowners who use "reasonable force" to protect themselves against intruders should not be prosecuted - providing they use no more force than is absolutely necessary to scare a bunch of thieving gits away – such as a panful of scalding chip fat in the face, or a pair of chopsticks jammed into a villain’s eye. Hmmm, will someone please define ‘reasonable’?
Now, at long last, the government is set to place people's right to defend their property, historically present in Common Law, into the precepts of Statute Law, with Clarke informing the House of Conmans assembly "It's quite obvious that people are entitled to use whatever force is necessary to protect themselves and their homes – and in practice this would mean if an old lady finds she's got an 18 year old hoodie yobster burgling her house after nicking her pension money and she picks up a kitchen knife and chops his bollocks off, then beats him to death with a Zimmer frame - in my book she’s not committed a criminal offence."
"We intend to make it quite clear you can hit a burglar with the poker if he's broken into your house – with the coal scuttle as well if you’re so inclined - and you have a perfect defence when you do so and his brains are splattered all over the carpet."
While bleeding heart human rights activists and pro bono lawyers are up in arms over Clarke’s proposed ‘home defence’ criminal justice legislation, quoting the New Testament’s bullshit credo that ‘violence begets violence’ and the fatally-flawed Christian ethos of ‘turn the other cheek’ – supporters of the revised bill are in turn quoting the Biblical Old Testament maxim of ‘do unto others as they would do unto you’ - and ‘an eye for an eye’ philosophy as a sound basis for moral law.
Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, the spokesman for the vigilante group ‘Scrote-Watch’, told the media “Wot we want ter see is it passin’ inter effin’ law that yer can beat burgling scallies ter death and feed their flesh ter yer guard dogs – and befucked wiv these piss-ant ‘reasonable force’ bullshit restrictions.”
“Yer cop some twat tryin’ ter nick yer stereo – or strugglin’ ter get yer 40 inch HD telly through the front window an’ he hurts his back, then the git sues yer fer not havin’ reasonable burglar access.”
“Or if yer belt him wiv a tyre iron, then the next thing is yer up fer GBH an’ the bastard’s got a personal injury lawyer knockin’ on yer door wiv an effin’ big claim – then yer inter a mega-bucks legal battle cos yer infringed the burglar’s human rights ter rob who the fuck he likes.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
The UK Libservative Coalition government’s Justice Secretary, Ken ‘Who ate all the Pies’ Clarke, the Tory MP for Tushycliffe, has today clarified the law on self defence, stating for the public record that in his book it’s perfectly acceptable by polite society standards to snuff burglars and any other pikey scally who threatens your person or property, opining to one gutter press hack from the Payback Gazette that “Go on, I say, hit the bastards with a poker – or stab them with the bread knife. Cat burglars, dog burglars – all the bloody lot and serves the sods right for going thieving and not having a honest job like me.”
Clarke informed the media that while the Libservative Coalition government were not encouraging vigilantism or lynch mobs - nor did they wish ‘burglar snuffing’ to become a national pastime – (such as jaywalking and bumping into lamp posts and walls while texting on a cellphone) - they would be legalising such actions in his forthcoming ‘Anti-Scrote Bill’ which is aimed at clarifying and ensuring the legal rights of home-owners to defend themselves and their property against acts of violent trespass and theft.
The Justice Secretary maintains that the public are entitled to use whatever force is necessary to protect their homes and a householder who beats a burglar to death with a pickaxe shaft or baseball bat would not have committed a criminal offence – although he did mention that “However, the Plod Squad will definitely be frowning on any burglars or like-minded skangers shot or stabbed in the back while trying to escape a property owner’s wrath.”
PM Posh Dave Scameron recently announced for the public record that the issue should be put "beyond doubt" – as under the conflicting statutes and terms of the 2008 Criminal Justice and Immigration Act homeowners who use "reasonable force" to protect themselves against intruders should not be prosecuted - providing they use no more force than is absolutely necessary to scare a bunch of thieving gits away – such as a panful of scalding chip fat in the face, or a pair of chopsticks jammed into a villain’s eye. Hmmm, will someone please define ‘reasonable’?
Now, at long last, the government is set to place people's right to defend their property, historically present in Common Law, into the precepts of Statute Law, with Clarke informing the House of Conmans assembly "It's quite obvious that people are entitled to use whatever force is necessary to protect themselves and their homes – and in practice this would mean if an old lady finds she's got an 18 year old hoodie yobster burgling her house after nicking her pension money and she picks up a kitchen knife and chops his bollocks off, then beats him to death with a Zimmer frame - in my book she’s not committed a criminal offence."
"We intend to make it quite clear you can hit a burglar with the poker if he's broken into your house – with the coal scuttle as well if you’re so inclined - and you have a perfect defence when you do so and his brains are splattered all over the carpet."
While bleeding heart human rights activists and pro bono lawyers are up in arms over Clarke’s proposed ‘home defence’ criminal justice legislation, quoting the New Testament’s bullshit credo that ‘violence begets violence’ and the fatally-flawed Christian ethos of ‘turn the other cheek’ – supporters of the revised bill are in turn quoting the Biblical Old Testament maxim of ‘do unto others as they would do unto you’ - and ‘an eye for an eye’ philosophy as a sound basis for moral law.
Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, the spokesman for the vigilante group ‘Scrote-Watch’, told the media “Wot we want ter see is it passin’ inter effin’ law that yer can beat burgling scallies ter death and feed their flesh ter yer guard dogs – and befucked wiv these piss-ant ‘reasonable force’ bullshit restrictions.”
“Yer cop some twat tryin’ ter nick yer stereo – or strugglin’ ter get yer 40 inch HD telly through the front window an’ he hurts his back, then the git sues yer fer not havin’ reasonable burglar access.”
“Or if yer belt him wiv a tyre iron, then the next thing is yer up fer GBH an’ the bastard’s got a personal injury lawyer knockin’ on yer door wiv an effin’ big claim – then yer inter a mega-bucks legal battle cos yer infringed the burglar’s human rights ter rob who the fuck he likes.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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