Devon Town Hit With Screaming Shits

Anguished cries of ‘Help!’ flood the internet social media pages this morning as the hapless residents of Devon’s Brixham township areas of Alston and Hillhead are begging for donations of toilet rolls – the soft and padded ‘sore bum’ tissue brand, preferably – or alternately large-sized sanitary towels – the doubly-absorbent type for those ‘heavy days – with the population confined to toilets and commodes – or squatting in a shaded corner of their garden’s compost heap for a modicum of al fresco privacy – due a pan-community outbreak of ballistic diarrhoea affecting everyone and their dog – with the cause now fingered as crypto-sporidiosis parasites contaminating the potable water supply - piped in by the not-fit-for-purpose South West Water company – unwisely contracted to supply ‘potable, clean drinking water’ to 3.5 million households across the south-west of Broken Britain.

A spokesperson for Devon’s public health authority informed one gutter press hack from ‘Cholera Today’ magazine that 16,000 households had been affected  in the greater Brixham area, with a legion of residents reporting ‘can’t stop shitting and spewing’ symptoms - and ruptured sphincter conditions over the past week period – along with holiday-maker tourists spending their vacations sat on the bog.

Local massage parlour therapist, Fellattia McSlagg, related she noticed a funny taste in the water a few days previously, before falling ill herself.

“Yeah, it smelled like some gnarly fart comin’ out of the tap - an’ tasted as though a herd of dinosaurs had taken a shit in the reservoir. Then the next mornin’ I can’t stop shittin’ meself – and me cat, Tiddles, is crappin’ that much the litter box is overflowin’ wiv moggy poo-poo.”   

“So we calls up South West Water an’ some gobshite wanker there goes inter full denial mode an’ sez it’s got eff’ all to do wiv their water – an’ then tries ter blame havin’ the shits an’ vomitin’ me guts up on me eatin’ a curry fer me supper – an’ claims their water is safe ter drink.”

Sally Snottberg, a consultant in health protection at UK Health Security Agency South West, informed reporters: “Anyone with a diarrhoeal illness should drink plenty more water to prevent dehydration - and if symptoms persist – which they most likely will do if they keep drinking South West’s contaminated tap water supply - they should contact the NHS 111 number - or their local undertaker.”

“We are advising people in the affected areas to follow today’s updated advice and boil whatever drinking water they get from the faucet supply - then allow it to cool before you use – otherwise you’ll scald your lips and tongue and won’t be able to complain anymore.”

A chastised, and now contrite, South West Water, has issued a public statement that an original £15 quid in compensation for affected residents had risen by a further £100 quid a-piece, as the company was finally recognising the severity of this incident on the affected resident’s bowels and anal orifice.

Industry regulator Oftwat has slammed the company's initial , and wholly egregious, 'denial' response and directed the company to issue free supplies of bottled mineral water; Loritax and Imodium tablets; and mega-rolls of triple tinted toilet tissue – all to be distributed to the affected areas – along with large tubes of Preparation H for ruptured haemhorroid cases.

For the public record, Susan Davy, the 54-year-old fat cat boss of Pennon Pollution SA - which owns the incompetence-fuelled South West Water - has raked in £4 million nicker since taking the top job in 2020 - and whose 2023 post-tax take-home pay was a whopping £1.93 million quid.

Corporate investors were supposed to 'pump' £££ billions into South West Water to upgrade its facilities that function to supply clean potable water to British households – while instead the company simply 'pumped' untreated sewage and other noxious liquid waste into the domestic potable water supply – for which CEO Susan Davy received a mega-££££ fuck-ups bonus.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/czrxrryvr24o

https://www.gbnews.com/news/devon-parasite-outbreak-south-west-water-illness-health

Allergy warning: for readers suffering from HSS (Hypersensitive Snowflake Syndrome) – there is no known EpiPen medication remedy for adverse reactions to the 'politically incorrect' – aka the Truth.

This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane unorthodox irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour and caffeine-boosted public interest factoids, plus a dusting of socio-political satire - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references, 5G electro-smog radiation, and a chemtrail residue of genetically-modified nano-particle bush telegraph innuendo.