DfE Issues Stab Vests to Teachers

The stabbing of Jamie Sansom – (a maths teacher originally hailing from Newport, South Wales) - by a teenage male pupil on Monday morning, in the classroom of the Gloucester-based Tewkesbury Academy, has resulted in the arrest of the offending pupil – on a charge of attempted murder - (nice addition to a school-leaver’s CV) - and hospitalisation of the wounded teacher.

First responder paramedic reports claim the stab wound wasn’t life-threatening, which is doubly fortunate as the victim wasn’t wearing the recommended Department for Education issue stab vest protection gear when the violent attack occurred – an incident that prompted fellow teachers to shit kittens and collectively run for cover in the school’s armour-plated ‘safe room’ – doubtless speculating they might be next on the pupil’s hit list.

The incident is still being investigated by Plod Squad officers, but thought to be directly related to either the teenager being given low marks in recent exam results  – or threatened with detention due homework assignments remaining incomplete.

However, rumours now abound that the stabbing occurred in a fit of rejected outrage due Sansom refusing to comply with the offending pupil’s demand – made under Woke leftie cult diversity, equality and inclusivity ideology - to be identified in the school attendance register as Hasan-i Sabbah – (head of the Nizari Ismaili state, and founder of the Persian-based Hashashins).

Apparently Sansom’s initial response was to inform the pupil that if he wanted to identify as a female, be called Susan or Jennifer, use the girl’s toilets, and wear a sanitary towel, then no problems.

Conversely, he then put his foot down, with a firm hand, stating that the 11th Century Middle East Order of Assassins had no place in a modern day Tewkesbury school – and definitely not in his maths subject classroom.

The Tory Nasty Party’s Education Secretary, Gillian Keegan, informed gutter press hacks that she, in conjunction with the National Education Union, is now planning to enforce the mandatory wearing of stab vests by teachers, when in school corridors, classrooms, and playgrounds.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-66157339

Allergy warning: for readers suffering from HSS (Hypersensitive Snowflake Syndrome) – there is no known EpiPen medication remedy for adverse reactions to the 'politically incorrect' – aka the Truth.

This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane unorthodox irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour and caffeine-boosted public interest factoids with socio-political satire - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references, 5G electrosmog radiation, and a chemtrail residue of genetically-modified nano-particle bush telegraph innuendo.