Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Nigeria Enacts Mandatory Happiness Law

In today’s ‘Smile - or Else' anti-misery counter-culture exposé edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering tropical hot gossip from our frontline 'sapeur dandy' media correspondent, Rastus Wormhole – aka Billy Bongo from the Congo – currently manning the live news desk Skype phone connection from Nigeria's corruption-ridden Imo province for Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding anti-authoritarian non-conformists, proto-nihilists and those career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg recusant bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mista Rochas Okorocha, the intellectually-challenged governor of Nigeria's landlocked Imo state, has appointed his sister, Ogechi Ololo as Chief Commissioner for Happiness.

Oh yes, you couldn't make this shit up if the world's top ten fiction / fantasy authors and script-writers got together under one roof to compose the most ridiculous and outrageous political pantomime plot imaginable.

At a ceremony in the provincial capital of Owerri yesterday, Mrs Ololo – who previously held the vaunted regional government portfolio as special adviser on nepotism and sleaze - was sworn-in alongside 27 of the All Progressives Congress' new commissioners - and a further 27 transition committee chairmen - all tasked with heading local government councils across the state.

Speaking at the inaugral ceremony at the Imo International Corruption Centre on Monday, Governor Okorocha urged his appointee relatives to see themselves as men and women on a rescue mission – to distract the public eye from the blatant rip-off and kick-back bribery culture, and make a success story of his crooked and unscrupulous administration - and thus improve his chances of standing as a candidate for the post of national President in the 2019 elections – so he might follow in the envied money-grubbing footsteps of the incumbent Muhammadu Buhari - and his equally-crooked predecessor - Badluck Jonathan Crackerbarrel.

“Yo' is all part of dis privileged group dat has de opportunity ter make names an' lotsa money for yo' selves – an' remind yo' dat dis appointment is not business as usual cos pocketin' all de payoffs is now de job of my sista Ogechi an' yo' lot just get a cut."

“So no more is we gonna tolerate any sharp practice on yo' own behalf – or any lazy assed neglect of duty cos yo' all gotta work hard for my policy-driven 'Happiness Rescue' project cos happiness is in short supply here an' I mean ter fix de 'Misery Rules' problem – an yo' guys better ensure dat all dese ongoing projects be completed - especially de half- built schools an' bridges an' roads – an' all de people is smilin' an' happy."

Conversely Okorocha's creation of the role of Commissioner for Mandatory Happiness for his 19-stone cellulite-laden sister, Ogechi Ololo - and swearing-in 27 of his shifty relatives as commissioners for the graft and corruption-ridden Imo State – has hardly produced the desired effect of putting a smile on people's faces but rather been rubbished and met with derision across the social media.

To wit, Nigeria's comic act Commissioner for Mandatory Happiness, has apparently spit the proverbial dummy after her appointment was ridiculed across the swathe of social media by what Governor Okorocha referred to as black-assed scally anarchist types – who dubbed Ololo the Queen of Sleaze and a Jimmy Choo-Choo accessory addict – then compared her to her idol and inspiration – Zimbabwe's toxic 'Gucci Grace' Rhubarbie – Darkest Africa's answer to the Philippines' Imelda 'Shop til yer Drop' Marcos - and further exposed Ololo's favourite pastime of mining – travelling around Imo province with her armed guards, pointing to whatever catches her greedy, acquisitive eye and declaring "dis am mine" – and "dat am mine".

The new commissioners include Okorocha / Ololo relatives:

Nnamdi O'Dinga – witch doctor oversight committee
Ugochi Banana-Kukaburra – banana & coconut exports
Winnebago Chuckabutty – Swiss numbered account affairs
Johnson Headbanger – Imo Province Juju Man licensing board
Uchendu Fuzzy-Wuzzy – pubic toilet administration
Rastus Madeupname – child sex slave trafficking affairs
Twatcha N’kunta – Bell Curve Deficiency regulator
Ms Patience Dandelion – offshore banking investments
Uncle Cletus McDonga – black market transplant organ donor kidnapping affairs
Onwueyiagwu Hippopotamus – nepotism employment bureau
Ngozi Clap-Clap – social disease development
Very Reverend Yodcocca Tadpole – concubines & polygamy affairs
Spearchucker Flashbang – baboon training programme
Constance Jaffacake – conflict diamond exchange
Firebucket Sokkaboot – labour union busting
Iyke Busticket – political opposition assassinations

Thought for the day. Hmmm, Nigerian politics – a circus without a tent. We've seen better organised riots.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness.
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