KSA: The Great Leap Forward

Once again, the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering counter-culture hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into razor-edged bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding anti-authoritarian non-conformists, proto-nihilists and those career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal genetic Rh-Neg recusant bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In an attempt to shift it's ultra-conservative (read 'backward') Third World ass out of the current perpetual 15th C' Middle Ages (1440) Groundhog Day time warp, and join the Western world in the 21st Century, the barbarian kingdom of Saudi Arabia has announced a series of iconoclastic reforms – already kick started with promoting a 32-year old Royal Raghead misfit - Mohammed Bin Bag Salmon Spread - to the position of Crown Prince - as opposed to the customary 'fit-to-drop' octogenarian 'next in line to the throne' selection.

One even more radical revisionist move involved the senility-ridden King Salman and Crown Prince Salmon Salad purging the Dog & Pony Show government (sic) of royal sleaze-mongers – first ousting Prince Neekni al Sahrawi from his post as head of the National Guard in a series of high-profile sackings that sent shock waves through the oil-rich Gulf nation and saw regal upper-crusters, patricians and bureaucrats alike go into 'shitting kittens' states of high anxiety – recounting their past transgressions, crimes and misdemeanours – and pondering who was next on the Crown Prince's night of long knives retribution agenda.

Then the message came abundantly clear that King Salman was in no way simply fucking around after he okayed the Crown Prince to order the arrest of scores of royal family kleptocrats – then detained the bottom feeding scumsters under armed guard in Riyadh's five star Ritz Carlton luxury hotel until they individually surrendered their secret offshore numbered bank account data and coughed up a couple of billion $$$ bucks each of their ill-gotten backsheesh kick-backs, bribes, rip-offs and associated corrupt earnings - for deposit in the official monarchy piggy bank.

The progressive Crown Prince is determined to drag his backward desert shithole of a country into the Occidental current era - 2017 – by the scruff of the neck - kicking and screaming in protest, if necessary – announcing that the ban on women driving cars is to be abrogated – (along with any fucking thing else the traditionalist Mad Mullahs and Islamic Mutaween religious zealot police consider objectionable to their refined Sharia Law sensibilities – such as commercial cinemas; casinos / gambling; pubs and booze; discos; video rental stores; a super-fast open source / porno-rich internet; lap dancing bars and strip clubs) – with a pledge of sanctioning topless sunbathing and skinny-dipping at the kingdom's planned Red Sea and Persian Gulf beach resorts - to cater for the perverse hedonistic tastes of shekel-squandering Western infidel tourists.

Sheikh Khara ibn Zamel, top dog at the freshly restructured ministry of culture and information, informed one gutter press hack from the Apostate's Gazette that his office is ready to issue cinema operating licences immediately and the first long-awaited screenings of X-rated movies were expected to begin in March 2018 – and aimed at establishing 300 cinemas with 2,000 screens by 2030 - thus enriching the kingdom's entertainment options - with a widely requested premier showing of retro-era three hole Hollywood porn queen Fellattia Gamarouche's digitally-restored 'Cindy Sucks Clinton' – to be followed by 62-year old Bambi Woods reprising her 1970's Debbie Does Dallas cheer leader role with the 'under production' Debbie Does Dubai – in which the mercenary Ms Debbie McGobbler is willing to 'fuck anything' for a few shekels / dirhams / dinars or travellers cheques – with a rumoured 'Debbie Does ISIS' Mid-Eastern Arab themed follow-on script already in the works.

Ironically, in response to the above announcement, Grand Mufti Diver, Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer and his fellow killjoy cleric stooges - previously permitted to rule the roost over this dichotomous Church (Mosque) n State (Autocrat) mess of pottage - have warned of the depravity of cinemas and hosting the likes of the 'Muppet's Christmas Show' – claiming such will corrupt public morals if allowed to be screened - and children would start believing in Saint Nicholas – or Santa Claus as the Western infidels call him – and then start wanting Xmas presents and hearing Christian apostasy about the Kike wood butcher that was born in a barn in Jewtopia and became their Messiah.

But casting the protests of die-hard Sunni & Cher Wahhabist religious bigots and dogmatic Islamic Imams to the vagaries of the four winds, Crown Prince Salmon Fillet is not to be defected from his personal watershed 'Vision 2030' social and economic reform programme to encourage an open and rich domestic culture for a Saudi population of 32 million people – which he pontificates will act as a catalyst for economic growth and diversification from oil wealth dependency - by developing the broader socio-economic sector to create novel employment opportunities.

At an impromptu press conference earlier this week on the steps of the Ministry for Stonings – one applauded by arse-kissing pundits and associated brown-nosing shills alike - His Royal Ruthlessness Crown Prince Bin Bag Salmon Chowder informed media hacks that "As we are simply a proxy of the Great Satan and depend on their weapons to bomb our Yemeni neighbours back into the Stone Age then we shall hereon follow their example and go the whole hog (sic) - with the establishment of my 26,500 square kilometre mega-whopping Neom City Free Trade 'Anything Goes' zone - to be sited at the entrance of the Gulf of Aqaba – enjoining the borders of Egypt, Jordan and the rogue ZioNazi state of Isra-Hell."

Rumours abound that the Crown Prince's Kosher Nostra business advisors are engaged in talks to establish branches of Broken Britain's favourite JD Wetherspoons pub grub n booze franchise at a series of oases across the backward Third World kingdom – with company CEO Ron Scrote commenting to press hacks "Hey for fuck's sake, even the Arabs must fancy a couple of frosty pints of Old Headbanger lager after a hard day in the dusty desert with their camels n goat herds."

Thus this monumental sea change has resulted in a veritable gold rush of business entrepreneurs turning up on the Saudi doorstep juggling lucrative business deals for Spin n Win casinos, a Spam-operated halal pig farm, a Titties lap dancing bar franchise, Blockbuster Video outlets, and the Russian mafia proposing a chain of Tekem Orloff strip clubs - with London's notorious 'gone underground' paedophile information exchange ready to open a kiddie fiddling branch in Riyadh, catering to Arab pederasts.

No shit, the dump looks well on the way to getting its sad arse partly civilised - then moneyed Saudi princes and zillionaire Arab business types can stay home to sin and no longer have to jet off to the likes of Bangkok or Las Vegas to gamble, get pissed and screw underage kids.

Thought for the day. No shit, women permitted to drive on the KSA's chaos n mayhem fender bender strewn highways. How the fuck they can operate any kind of vehicle while wearing a burka is beyond my comprehension – but I'm only a British infidel n know shit.

Okay, stop press update: Not only is Crown Prince Salmon Pate enacting legislation that permits women to drive cars but also that they no longer need to wear a full burka in a swimming pool – a controversial practice that has resulted in scores of unnecessary drowning incidents over the past year alone.

So here we see manifesting a Darwinian evolutionary shift in Saudi thinking – not a bad thing if a person wants 'some fun' in life.
Though zero mention of 'votes for women' yet. Obviously the shufty bints are a wee bit behind with their suffragette movement to date – n need to have a couple of sacrificial martyrs throw themselves in front of the Crown Prince's best racing camel at a forth-coming Riyadh Formula One Dromedary Tournament n get trampled to shit - before any fucker or their dog takes discernible notice of their brand of female emancipation.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness.
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