EUSSR Bureaucrat Morons Ban Crayons

In this weekend’s ‘Enhanced Stupidity’ counter-culture edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with 'ring of the anvil' dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding non-conformists, proto-nihilists and career radical pro-justice revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The banner headline says it all: EUSSR bureaucrats ban crayons - and by imposing the most stupid draconian Kafkaesque ruling since their last stupid draconian ruling the Brussels brainiacs have also declared the sale of watercolours and colouring pencils to be henceforth off limits.

Oh yes, this ain't no joke, folks. Pencils and wax crayons are just the latest products to join eyesight-friendly incandescent light bulbs and get banned by bonkers EUSSR bureaucrats over concerns children could be eating dangerous levels of toxic earth mineral elements by munching on their writing / colouring utensils.

Well, one way to circumvent the crayon-munching habit is to start feeding the kids properly - so they don't snack out on a diet of 5-a-day crayons (red, blue, green, yellow, pink).

The EU tightened its restrictions over the limits of heavy metals in children’s toys following psychotic paranoid concerns that kiddies could be trying out the latest 'lead addiction high' fad of eating pencils instead of colouring with them.

Hence the broad spectrum of children's colouring materials – including paints - will no longer be sold across Europe after barmy Brussels likewise banned a range of Ukraine manufactured pencils and crayons originating from the Chernobyl 'no-go' zone which were discovered to contain unacceptable levels of radioactive Plutonium-239 in the 'Glow in the Dark' colouring sets – amid primary fears that Muslim chemistry students studying inside the EU might construct a viable nuclear weapon of mass distraction out of crayons.

Really, you couldn't make this shit up. Toxic ingestion fears regarding kid's nibbling the odd crayon – yet these very same Womb to Tomb Brussels Nanny State social authoritarians – regardless of public opposition and the volumes of documented scientific proof shoved under their noses to the contrary - license the Big Agri' Monsanto / Bayer et al crime syndicate's neonicotinoid / glyphosate 'kill-everything-cide' (including bees) crop n insect sprays - and their manky mutant Chew n Spew GMO Frankenfood crops as fit for human consumption.

Oh yes, and let's not overlook carcinogenic fluoride in potable drinking water n toothpaste n mouthwash – or the neurotoxic aspartame sugar substitute in soft drinks n candies – or the ubiquitous, mephitic chemtrails blocking out the Sun – or noxious heavy metal mercury in vaccines and amalgam dental fillings.

And these twats are bothered about some sprog having a daydream crayon-chewing moment – gimme a fucking break.

MEPs possessed of whatever passes for a moral conscience in this day n age have blasted the decision, stating the Brussels kleptocrat Corporate stooges should be focussing on much bigger issues – such as building an Israeli style Great Apartheid Wall around Europe then cracking down on, arresting and jailing Muslim rapists refugees - instead of all this political correctness brouhaha viz 'fears over racist / sectarian accusations' - and banning children’s toys.

Markus Ferber, an MEP and member of the CSU, opined to one gutter press hack from the Arsewipe Gazette that "It would be better to tackle the big problems – like all these Islamic refugee types shitting in the public parks and washing their arses in our fountains and sexually molesting hausfraus - rather than restrict children in their creativity."

Brussels' EUSSR ban comes following the release of the afore-mentioned fatally flawed science report whose faulty calculations assume a child eats 100 milligrams of the toy material every day - equal to munching on a medically unacceptable amount of 18 pencils a month.

Allergy warning: This article was composed in a known propaganda-infested area - and whilst purposely blending high octane irreverence, slanderous allegations and unbridled conjecture with measures of wild rumour 'and' decaffeinated public interest factoids - may also contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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